You may be thinking "What's the problem?" The thing is giving blood was one of the few things that really made me feel good about myself for once. In the midst of a difficult relationship and really struggling to cope with myself and the world, the gratitude I received from all the blood donation lot was a real pick me up. They were all so appreciative, I could forget all my problems, talk to nice friendly people and at the same time I was doing some good with my life; I felt I was useful and had a purpose. One sincere message of hope when usually everyday I was repeatedly made to feel worthless.
Especially given that I have O Rhesus Negative blood which is probably one of the most valuable types, if not the most valuable as it can be given to absolutely anyone regardless of blood group and there are only 7% of us in the population.
That and being an ex self harmer I know only too well the therapeutic and physical values of "letting blood". In a way I was a bit like a drug addict; desperate for my next fix, desperate for the release the sense of calm I get when the blood leaves my veins. Almost every single day I struggle with not causing myself physical harm or pain of some sort. Fortunately I seem to be managing it, but every 16 weeks I thought I could help get rid of all that tension, let go of some blood. Now I no longer have that available to me, I'm going spare.
Add that on top of everything else that's going on and you may start to grasp why I'm not coping too well at the moment; hence any lack of usual smiles and a generally self loathing, miserable and negative attitude I seem to be currently displaying at my own dismay.
Everything has changed so much and in such a short space of time, the reality of what's happened has only just hit me really; a delayed reaction I guess. So an abundance of unpleasant flashbacks, struggling to come to terms with my life so far, trying to get my head round stuff, and the horrible guilt of feeling bad when I have such a blessed and privileged life compared to so many people around the world who have gone through far worse than me, but don't have the solace of a loving family, a warm house and all the material comforts we take for granted.
Also I'm trying to deal with everyday life as well; all the stuff I'm doing with church, my work, my degree, trying to pick up 2 instruments again, training my voice, getting back to exercising and looking after myself (I do not have an eating disorder as some may speculate), desperately trying to make friends and trying to figure out relationships; making sure I don't jump in to far and ruin everything. I've been out of the social loop for a while now, and I'm not quite sure how to go about making friends; what's acceptable and what's not, how to behave and act; what to tell them, what not to tell them etc. It's all a bit daunting and I'm painfully aware I don't have any really close friends I can talk to as I don't really know any of my current friends well enough so far. I don't want to scare them off.
Then there's all the chaos I live in; comparative to a lot of people's situations it's only minor, yet still stressful. Me moving back home with 2 years of possessions and a flat's worth of furniture to find homes for. Not having a bedroom or a real bed. I sleep on a rather uncomfortable chair bed in the playroom so I definitely don't get any personal space or privacy. I live in constant fear of a small child picking up a discarded bra or pair of knickers and flaunting it for everyone to see at my expense. That and I can never find somewhere quiet to relax as there are usually 4 plus boys dominating every room, particularly my make shift bedroom as it contains the piano and Xbox.
Chuck in a burst water pipe too meaning we've had to have the wall's rebuilt and decorated and the floor ripped up and replaced.
So not coping too well; particularly these past few days. I'm doing better than I have done in the past, I'm still managing to put on a brave face and present some sort of cheery smile. But I think the sleep deprivation is starting to show. I'm having so many flashbacks of rather nasty experiences that make me feel sick to the stomach and really quite weak and light headed. I struggle to get any rest given the poor comfort levels, fear and general ill feeling I have, and when I do drift off I constantly wake up. It's wonder how I manage to function during the day at all!
So this is my quiet time, my "me time". The early hours of the morning, sat hunched up over my laptop or poring over one of my many books trying to get my puffy eyes to focus on the text. My time to unwind; let it out with a good cry. My time to talk to God. My oh so wonderful God. I'm sure if it wasn't for him I'd be nursing some self inflicted wound by now. I don't know how, but He gives me the strength to resist such temptation and I am so unbelievably thankful.
Well hopefully in six months or so I may be able to give blood again; they said they'll review my situation then. It all depends on the state of my migraines. Ironically back in February when I was having 2 to 3 migraines a week, with no means of subduing them, they had no qualms about taking my blood. Now I only have 2 to 3 a month and have medication which knocks them on the head within 20 minutes, they won't take my blood to protect my well being. Bizarre!
What a post of woe. I feel better for getting it all off my chest though. Now I just have that terrible sense of guilt as I really have no reason to feel depressed. My problems may be more troubling than a lot of my peers, but they're still minute in the grand scheme of things. I've been through a lot worse times, I'm currently at what should be a very happy time of my life; happiest in over 5 years. I guess it's all the mental processes that are getting me down, coming to terms with what's happened; what I've come away from.
I'm going to do my best to stay positive, I may be feeling very negative about various things at the moment, but even at my low points God's love shines through the people around me comforting me and reminding me how blessed I am. Whether it be through a simple smile, a piece of scripture or page from a book someone's given me, or an encouraging email. I can always rely on God sending someone or something to come through for me, maybe not instantly, but eventually. I can only hope God can work through me in the same way for other people.
Today's snippet of helpful scripture; Philippians 2:12-13
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
I have one of my Vista gadgets to thank for that, the wonders of technology eh?
3 comments:
if you ever need a break, i have a house in york with 4 spare bedrooms all summer. :) xxx
Hey I worked out how to comment on Blogger, if this works that is! Don't know if it would help but when I need time alone I wander off into the hills and do some praying. There's really no space in this house sometimes when all three of us are at home. Do you have a happy place?
Also, I've been trying to get you to come to things but I know you're really busy and distracted by loads of stuff at once. So if you need someone or just feel like hanging out, you can let me know and I'll hop on the 2-wheeler and head over. I have loads of free time these days and keep squandering it with useless things.
God bless Izzy, you're in my prayers
love James
I know I don't see you much at all these days and that we've probably less in common than we used to have; but anytime you need a chat or to get some chill out time away from the hustle and bustle at home, you know where I am.
I know my faith isn't nearly as strong or focused as yours, but I've some of what you've been posting on this blog inspiring and affirming, as sycophantic as that may sound.
The sleep deprivation comment does worry me a little though, as I know just how much this can cause an escalating downward spiral if not nipped in the bud. Prayers and spare positive vibes your way.
*Hope this reply doesn't come across as sanctimonious or pompous*
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