Oh deary me, I really can't sleep. What a bother. I'm actually starting to get quite angry with myself for not being able to sleep. Not only is the sleep deprivation taking it's toll on my mental state and energy levels, but now my appearance. My skin has become ashen and less taut, I've broken out in spots, my eyes are dull and drooping, plus no amount of make up will alleviate my dark circles. What joy.
However I've managed to distract myself from my crush. I've found a new obsession. Yes I'm still bowled over by the man in question, but I've put those thoughts aside for the time being. After all I'd far rather have him as a friend first. I just hope I don't see him again soon, as all my hard work will come undone, especially if he winks at me again as I can guarantee I will melt into a pile of mush on the floor, or perhaps even swoon!
Onto the new obsession...... new phone. My current phone is dying an untimely death. The speaker has almost completely packed up now, and the 4 and 6 buttons are extremely temperamental. So, given I can't splash out £100 odd in one go on a new phone, I'm going to switch to contract. Which will also mean I can use my mobile to call everyone instead of the land line. Every month I seem to be shelling out around £20 to my mum to cover calls I've made from the home phone. Seems a bit ridiculous.
Having decided which phone I want (Samsung Tocco), I'm currently seeing what the best deals are, and then daring the salesmen in various phone shops to do better. So far none have come up with anything I like except perhaps orange. However I want to stay with O2, so tomorrows task is to challenge O2 to match or hopefully better the deal by orange. I'll play the loyalty card (5 years) shame it's been on pay as you go, if I was pay monthly I'd have more of an edge when it comes to bargaining. I'm also debating how morally dubious it is to wear a low cut top and push up bra to aid negotiations. In theory playing hard ball and sheer stubbornness alone should do the trick, along with a cheeky smile of course! I have confidence in my abilities to secure the deal I want. I may ask God for some help too; not necessarily to get me a super duper deal, but not to settle for second best and not be tempted to exploit any feminine assets I may have in assisting my pursuits.
Well my singing lesson went well today, despite being 20 minutes late and almost crashing my car. Whoops. I'd been stuck behind the slowest and most irritating driver for about two miles, and I got impatient and as soon as it was relatively safe I overtook. However I didn't realise the other side of the road was falling away at the sides, and ended up almost in the ditch alongside the road!
Fortunately my singing teacher has an amazing ability to calm me down and make me laugh and smile. That and singing always makes me feel 100 times better. Even when I'm shockingly tired and my voice has cracked. At least yawning while singing can have a positive effect of opening up your throat and relaxing the vocal muscles giving a much rounder and louder sound, not so harsh. So from then onwards, a good day.
Yesterday (Wednesday) was The Sims 2 Community Day for Apartment Life down in Guildford. Unfortunately I missed it because I was working, and couldn't really afford the train fare or petrol. However I did have the offer of a spare room to sleep in. I really enjoyed the day for FreeTime in January. Ah well, I'll just have to wait and see if there are any more in the pipeline, but I believe this is it for The Sims 2, The Sims 3 is next and that's a long way off.
However my friend who organises these things said I could come down and they'd sort out a tour of the EA offices for me, after all, I've only seen the old Chertsey one, not the Guildford one! Exciting stuff. It also came with the promise of a spare room to make use of, and a night of ridiculous fun on rock band, no doubt with alcohol involved and to be shown the delights of Guildford! Fun stuff.
Right, it is 4:42 am. I'm going to try and get some sleep, again. Hopefully this time it will be more successful. Previous to this little escapade on my laptop I'd spent several hours just tossing and turning. I'm not liking this bout of insomnia. It's by no means as bad as I've experienced in the past (recalls the time she didn't sleep for nearly 17 days) as I do seem to get some sleep, even though it's only a few hours a morning. I feel morning is more appropriate than night, given that sleep doesn't kick in till gone 2am usually, not for lack of trying however.
Maybe I'll visit Liz, the only time I've received healing from God of a miraculous nature was through Liz. Years of insomnia gone instantly. Very weird, I felt horrendously nauseous when she prayed for me, but my sleeping problems were gone after that, didn't have any trouble. Up until now that is, or rather these past 6 months or so. Not that Liz alone can do anything, but perhaps it will help. Or maybe this insomnia will yield something positive, who knows.
Righto, sorry no scriptural references today. Just a jumble of whimsical prose that no one will find in the slightest bit interesting. Good morning.
Friday 18 July 2008
Tuesday 15 July 2008
I've Got A Crush On You.....
If you knew me when I was younger you probably already know about my lack of understanding of the phenomena of crushes. I never got them. I didn't really know what one was, certainly never had a crush as such on anyone. I just went through life wishing for a boyfriend, however never actually wishing it was a certain person. Yes I definitely admired people I'd met and knew, or considered various physical characteristics attractive. But I never so much had the swoon like reaction to someone, talking gibberish at them and generally just melting into a ball of useless pink goo whenever you think about them.
Well, at long last that has changed. I finally understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I feel like a numpty; very shy, self conscious and kicking myself for saying such stupid things and generally looking and acting ridiculous around them. Oh the joys of attraction.
However I won't be doing anything about this crush, just trying ignore my feelings and act like a normal person. I need to be single right now, and I doubt this guy would reciprocate any feelings I have, he's out of my league. I will leave it at friends and generally get to know him better. Who knows, maybe something could happen later on down the line. But not now. I just have to ignore the fact he's one of only a small handful of guys I've ever found really good looking and attractive. The problem is, even though he's externally very appealing, the more I get to know him, the more I'm attracted to him as he's such a great guy and I'd like him even if he looked like the back end of a bus!
Oh crikey, my life seems to have turned upside down in the past few months! If you'd told me at the beginning of this year that within 6 months I'd be joking around in a hot tub with friends, heavily involved with the church, free, single and overcome by girly emotions, I'd never have believed you. Life seems fantastic again, it's been a long time. I've been through a heck of a lot in my 20 years, however as my friend said "there's still a fun loving little girl inside shining through".
Hmm, today's Bible verses seem somewhat fitting to my situation.
Yet again, this seems to be happening time and time again. I asked for a way out of my previous situation. A situation I'd thought would be hard to leave, but it turned out to be far easier and safer than I ever imagined. And now the things I'd been longing for for so many years I've found, all through the work of God and His people. So, with this whole crush business I will do the same. Put it into God's hands, if something is meant to happen, it will in good time, in the mean time, I ask for composure so I can hopefully gain a good friend without letting silly feelings spoiling it.
People ask why there are never any miracles being performed in the modern world. Mind you the flocks to the Florida Healing Outpouring would tell you otherwise. But irrespective of any big wowzer miracles going on, there are millions of miracles happening everyday. People just are too busy or preoccupied with the world to notice. But given some of my circumstances, how on earth I manage to maintain a genuine cheery disposition (most of the time) is a miracle in itself. It's all a matter of faith.
Once more I'm up at some absurd time, I need to go to sleep, not only my mother is going beserk at my sleeping patterns and sleep deprived affectation, but my friends are showing concern.
Night all, or rather, morning.
Well, at long last that has changed. I finally understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I feel like a numpty; very shy, self conscious and kicking myself for saying such stupid things and generally looking and acting ridiculous around them. Oh the joys of attraction.
However I won't be doing anything about this crush, just trying ignore my feelings and act like a normal person. I need to be single right now, and I doubt this guy would reciprocate any feelings I have, he's out of my league. I will leave it at friends and generally get to know him better. Who knows, maybe something could happen later on down the line. But not now. I just have to ignore the fact he's one of only a small handful of guys I've ever found really good looking and attractive. The problem is, even though he's externally very appealing, the more I get to know him, the more I'm attracted to him as he's such a great guy and I'd like him even if he looked like the back end of a bus!
Oh crikey, my life seems to have turned upside down in the past few months! If you'd told me at the beginning of this year that within 6 months I'd be joking around in a hot tub with friends, heavily involved with the church, free, single and overcome by girly emotions, I'd never have believed you. Life seems fantastic again, it's been a long time. I've been through a heck of a lot in my 20 years, however as my friend said "there's still a fun loving little girl inside shining through".
Hmm, today's Bible verses seem somewhat fitting to my situation.
July 14, 2008
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:8
How very true, since coming back to Christ my world has gone from strength to strength. Not everything is hunky dory, I doubt it ever will be, fallen world after all. All the same, I've been incredibly blessed in these few months back home in God's family where I belong.| So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. | ||
| Luke 11:9-10 | ||
Yet again, this seems to be happening time and time again. I asked for a way out of my previous situation. A situation I'd thought would be hard to leave, but it turned out to be far easier and safer than I ever imagined. And now the things I'd been longing for for so many years I've found, all through the work of God and His people. So, with this whole crush business I will do the same. Put it into God's hands, if something is meant to happen, it will in good time, in the mean time, I ask for composure so I can hopefully gain a good friend without letting silly feelings spoiling it.
People ask why there are never any miracles being performed in the modern world. Mind you the flocks to the Florida Healing Outpouring would tell you otherwise. But irrespective of any big wowzer miracles going on, there are millions of miracles happening everyday. People just are too busy or preoccupied with the world to notice. But given some of my circumstances, how on earth I manage to maintain a genuine cheery disposition (most of the time) is a miracle in itself. It's all a matter of faith.
Once more I'm up at some absurd time, I need to go to sleep, not only my mother is going beserk at my sleeping patterns and sleep deprived affectation, but my friends are showing concern.
Night all, or rather, morning.
Saturday 12 July 2008
Guess Who Can't Sleep?
I'm afraid to say though, there are no prizes for correct guesses.
I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.
Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?
(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)
Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.
Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.
But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.
I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.
Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!
I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.
Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?
(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)
Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.
Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.
But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.
I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.
Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!
Friday 11 July 2008
Blerg
Really not feeling myself today. Not quite sure why, but I guess sleep deprivation has a large role to play. I'm so lethargic; months of not sleeping properly are really taking their toll. My back for one is killing me, absolute agony and pain killers don't seem to touch it. I hate feeling like this. My old bouncy self was beginning to return, but it's been occluded by physical constraints. Bah!
At least life is on the up, and hopefully I will have my own bedroom soon and a real bed, no more back ache and having to get changed in the dark. Or little boys running in to play xbox and finding the odd discarded bra much at my chagrin.
Plus I'm off to Wellspring soon. Trying to sort out tents at the moment. It looks like I'll be taking my own 4 man tent, all to myself, no one else, except for the luggage of those with no spare room in their own tents! I'm really looking forward to getting away and just having some fun and hopefully some space to myself without family bearing down on me.
Though I'm not looking forward to being with all the girls in the youth who will undoubtedly be bikini clad if the weather is suitable for sun bathing. Which of course makes me feel horribly self conscious and corpulent as I'm curvy and none of the youth seem to have developed any curves let alone extra padding! That and my legendary thunder thighs seem particularly large at the moment. Probably because my waist is smaller, stomach flatter, so in comparison my thighs are monstrous given the bulk of muscle in them and the fact I can't shift any weight off them. Seriously I could probably shrink to 6 stone and my top half look as if I've just emerged from some concentration camp, except my legs will still be just as shapely as ever. Actually my boobs don't seem to shrink either, just sag. How lovely! I just have to remember I have a good 5 years of development on most of them, when I was their age I didn't have hips or boobs either. But I still had thunder thighs.
Methinks when I actually have enough energy I will start running again properly. As currently my exercise is somewhat sporadic. I'll no doubt employ my bike again as well. But that'll only build up my muscles more leading even shapelier legs! They're nearly all muscle at the moment which is somewhat scary, how I've maintained such muscular bulk I've no idea. I'm blaming heels and the ridiculous number of stairs I have to climb to get to my studios at uni!
Well, last night was good, fancy dress party at Pip's. They're always legendary parties. I went as a cowgirl, Rob as an Arab. However the costumes didn't last long as a streak of madness overcame us and we went swimming in the outdoor pool. I looked an interesting sight walking about in a swimming costume, board shorts and cowboy boots! The rest of the night was spent on "Rock Band", Rob's 'expert' guitar skills and my appalling vocal attempts. And then the obligatory karaoke ensued. Shame my voice has died on me recently, but it was fun nevertheless.
However I've noticed some rather unflattering photos from the night surfacing on facebook. Not only do I feel fat, but ugly. The recent acne attack and dark circles really shouldn't be exposed to the public, but swimming and make up don't mix alas. Why didn't I take any make up with me to try and redeem my unsightly appearance? The fact I'm not in the slightest photogenic doesn't help. Argh, must stop being so woebegone, it's just been a rough few days for me, no wonder I'm not at my best appearance wise and vocally.
Ah well, it would appear my single status doesn't quite sit comfortably with people. Everyone seems to be playing match maker. All great guys, but I'm not interested in a relationship at present, I can't afford to get hurt again and I have a lot of head stuff to sort out. Besides the guys people have suggested wouldn't be interested in me, out of my league, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Ah well, God made me just the way He intended and I shouldn't grumble, once I'm taking better care of myself no doubt I'll start to feel better about everything, even my thunder thighs!
At least life is on the up, and hopefully I will have my own bedroom soon and a real bed, no more back ache and having to get changed in the dark. Or little boys running in to play xbox and finding the odd discarded bra much at my chagrin.
Plus I'm off to Wellspring soon. Trying to sort out tents at the moment. It looks like I'll be taking my own 4 man tent, all to myself, no one else, except for the luggage of those with no spare room in their own tents! I'm really looking forward to getting away and just having some fun and hopefully some space to myself without family bearing down on me.
Though I'm not looking forward to being with all the girls in the youth who will undoubtedly be bikini clad if the weather is suitable for sun bathing. Which of course makes me feel horribly self conscious and corpulent as I'm curvy and none of the youth seem to have developed any curves let alone extra padding! That and my legendary thunder thighs seem particularly large at the moment. Probably because my waist is smaller, stomach flatter, so in comparison my thighs are monstrous given the bulk of muscle in them and the fact I can't shift any weight off them. Seriously I could probably shrink to 6 stone and my top half look as if I've just emerged from some concentration camp, except my legs will still be just as shapely as ever. Actually my boobs don't seem to shrink either, just sag. How lovely! I just have to remember I have a good 5 years of development on most of them, when I was their age I didn't have hips or boobs either. But I still had thunder thighs.
Methinks when I actually have enough energy I will start running again properly. As currently my exercise is somewhat sporadic. I'll no doubt employ my bike again as well. But that'll only build up my muscles more leading even shapelier legs! They're nearly all muscle at the moment which is somewhat scary, how I've maintained such muscular bulk I've no idea. I'm blaming heels and the ridiculous number of stairs I have to climb to get to my studios at uni!
Well, last night was good, fancy dress party at Pip's. They're always legendary parties. I went as a cowgirl, Rob as an Arab. However the costumes didn't last long as a streak of madness overcame us and we went swimming in the outdoor pool. I looked an interesting sight walking about in a swimming costume, board shorts and cowboy boots! The rest of the night was spent on "Rock Band", Rob's 'expert' guitar skills and my appalling vocal attempts. And then the obligatory karaoke ensued. Shame my voice has died on me recently, but it was fun nevertheless.
However I've noticed some rather unflattering photos from the night surfacing on facebook. Not only do I feel fat, but ugly. The recent acne attack and dark circles really shouldn't be exposed to the public, but swimming and make up don't mix alas. Why didn't I take any make up with me to try and redeem my unsightly appearance? The fact I'm not in the slightest photogenic doesn't help. Argh, must stop being so woebegone, it's just been a rough few days for me, no wonder I'm not at my best appearance wise and vocally.
Ah well, it would appear my single status doesn't quite sit comfortably with people. Everyone seems to be playing match maker. All great guys, but I'm not interested in a relationship at present, I can't afford to get hurt again and I have a lot of head stuff to sort out. Besides the guys people have suggested wouldn't be interested in me, out of my league, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Ah well, God made me just the way He intended and I shouldn't grumble, once I'm taking better care of myself no doubt I'll start to feel better about everything, even my thunder thighs!
Thursday 10 July 2008
Recurring Dreams
It was probably 6 months ago or so when I first had this dream. Unlike any other dream, it didn't feel like a normal dream where you're experiencing it, but rather I was shown it. Like a film. Plus it's always very short, probably only lasting less than a minute. Just a glimpse.
Basically the dream goes as follows;
It's always me, looking somewhat older, but still young, so perhaps mid twenties, it's hard to tell. And I'm stood with a different family. I still have my own, yet there is another I've become a part of. This family lives in a nice big house, somewhere rural, everything very tasteful and high quality, lots of books too. This family obviously is middle class and well educated. What's happening usually varies from having a BBQ in the garden to singing round a piano or just having a conversation over dinner. I'm married or engaged to be married to the eldest son in the family, tall, dark and handsome (what a cliché), intelligent with a good job and very romantic. And everyone's happy, I'm happy. Sometimes the scene is when I'm even older, my thirties and there are also 4 children, my children.
There is no sound to any of this, no dialogue, except one voice, not spoken from any of the characters as such, but from somewhere else to accompany the scene. Always saying the same words; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Of course I now realise this to be from scripture, Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Though my dream didn't contain any reference as to whom said it, as though it were coming directly from God, who of course shouldn't need an introduction.
At the time this was such a weird dream as it certainly didn't resemble any life I had or could have, the man I was going to marry didn't feature. Plus I wasn't happy and seeing myself happy was a somewhat alien concept to me. That and I'd almost completely forgotten about God at this stage, resigned myself to a life without Him. To the point where I didn't recognise the dialogue as scripture. I dismissed this dream as just a dream, impossible, never going to happen, just my psyche fantasising. It would never come true, after all it sounds to me to be perfect.
But this dream keeps coming back, in my sleep and when I day dream. Pestering me. It was not long before I went to New York when I thought perhaps this dream had some truth. Perhaps I was destined for better than what I currently had. So I met New York with great anticipation, hoping to meet the man of my dreams who'd take me away from it all, rescue me. I didn't meet him. However New York was the catalyst for a series of events leading me back to the Lord and of course gave me the clarity I needed to see my relationship for what it was, a shambles and to get out of it.
So that was brilliant, perhaps the dream served it's purpose, altering my mindset and opening my eyes to the possibilities of a different life. But it still keeps coming back. I'm starting to get excited, what if it does become a reality, surely I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. Maybe this is some sort of plan God has for me. That would be wow. But I won't get too excited, after all, only God knows what He has planned for my life, and this may not be it, it would be nice. I'll just have to see what life brings. I definitely can't pursue this as such given the dream seems very small, too small to make out facial features, so I haven't a clue as to who this dream man is or what he even looks like. Ah well.
So yeh, just something on my mind of late. But I'll enjoy being single for the time being. God has made it very clear I need to be single at the moment, but hopefully not forever. Who knows maybe I will get my doctor (or science orientated, intelligent, well read and high earning) that looks like a cross between Hugh Laurie, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman!
Basically the dream goes as follows;
It's always me, looking somewhat older, but still young, so perhaps mid twenties, it's hard to tell. And I'm stood with a different family. I still have my own, yet there is another I've become a part of. This family lives in a nice big house, somewhere rural, everything very tasteful and high quality, lots of books too. This family obviously is middle class and well educated. What's happening usually varies from having a BBQ in the garden to singing round a piano or just having a conversation over dinner. I'm married or engaged to be married to the eldest son in the family, tall, dark and handsome (what a cliché), intelligent with a good job and very romantic. And everyone's happy, I'm happy. Sometimes the scene is when I'm even older, my thirties and there are also 4 children, my children.
There is no sound to any of this, no dialogue, except one voice, not spoken from any of the characters as such, but from somewhere else to accompany the scene. Always saying the same words; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Of course I now realise this to be from scripture, Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Though my dream didn't contain any reference as to whom said it, as though it were coming directly from God, who of course shouldn't need an introduction.
At the time this was such a weird dream as it certainly didn't resemble any life I had or could have, the man I was going to marry didn't feature. Plus I wasn't happy and seeing myself happy was a somewhat alien concept to me. That and I'd almost completely forgotten about God at this stage, resigned myself to a life without Him. To the point where I didn't recognise the dialogue as scripture. I dismissed this dream as just a dream, impossible, never going to happen, just my psyche fantasising. It would never come true, after all it sounds to me to be perfect.
But this dream keeps coming back, in my sleep and when I day dream. Pestering me. It was not long before I went to New York when I thought perhaps this dream had some truth. Perhaps I was destined for better than what I currently had. So I met New York with great anticipation, hoping to meet the man of my dreams who'd take me away from it all, rescue me. I didn't meet him. However New York was the catalyst for a series of events leading me back to the Lord and of course gave me the clarity I needed to see my relationship for what it was, a shambles and to get out of it.
So that was brilliant, perhaps the dream served it's purpose, altering my mindset and opening my eyes to the possibilities of a different life. But it still keeps coming back. I'm starting to get excited, what if it does become a reality, surely I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. Maybe this is some sort of plan God has for me. That would be wow. But I won't get too excited, after all, only God knows what He has planned for my life, and this may not be it, it would be nice. I'll just have to see what life brings. I definitely can't pursue this as such given the dream seems very small, too small to make out facial features, so I haven't a clue as to who this dream man is or what he even looks like. Ah well.
So yeh, just something on my mind of late. But I'll enjoy being single for the time being. God has made it very clear I need to be single at the moment, but hopefully not forever. Who knows maybe I will get my doctor (or science orientated, intelligent, well read and high earning) that looks like a cross between Hugh Laurie, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman!
Saturday 5 July 2008
My Rescuer
I've been told by quite a few people I have a gift for writing, but tonight, or rather this morning, I won't be using my literary skills, instead I'll leave you with some inspiration. The sort of stuff that makes me cry, but in a good way.
This was taken from Bible Basics; a wonderful blog full of encouragement.
Why God is My Hero
A fitting song of Praise, one of my favourites;
I have a busy weekend ahead. Large bowling party at work tomorrow. Then in the evening it's the Hope 08 concert. Sunday morning I have to be up early for the youth wroship group rehearsal, we're leading worship during the morning service. I'm absolutely terrified. Then throughout the day is the rehearsal and setting up for Blest. The evening service at 7 and then then the Blest service after that, who knows what else!
My plan is when I get some free time to learn the 6 songs planned for Sunday morning so that I can close my eyes and pretend I'm not stood at the front of church when I'm singing. Just me and God, and hopefully things should work out. I'm so nervous and my throat completely closes up so I can't sing very well or even remember what I'm supposed to be singing. Worship is such a big thing for me, but I don't think I'm ready, I'm not spiritually strong enough to be part of a worship group leading a large congregation. But if God intends me to go this route I'll somehow overcome my fear and do it. At least I'm not leading worship and there are plenty of other vocalists to drown me out. Normally I wouldn't happy with the arrangement of the band, but for a first time hopefully it'll give me a bit of confidence.
God, I'm going to need all the help you can give me on Sunday. Let me glorify your name without conscience or hindrance, and be a shining light for your love, encouraging others in their praise. Keep all the band focused and free from nerves and inhibition, so they can be a strong lead in praising your name. Just remind us all that worship is all about you, not a performance, and we should sing, play and dance with our hearts set on fire with a passion for your name, your glorious works and unfailing love. Amen.
I need to get some sleep now. Good Night
This was taken from Bible Basics; a wonderful blog full of encouragement.
Why God is My Hero
A fitting song of Praise, one of my favourites;
Came to My Rescue - Hillsong
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humble I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
In my life
Be lifted high
In our world
Be lifted high
In our love
Be lifted high
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours
My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humble I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
In my life
Be lifted high
In our world
Be lifted high
In our love
Be lifted high
I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are
I have a busy weekend ahead. Large bowling party at work tomorrow. Then in the evening it's the Hope 08 concert. Sunday morning I have to be up early for the youth wroship group rehearsal, we're leading worship during the morning service. I'm absolutely terrified. Then throughout the day is the rehearsal and setting up for Blest. The evening service at 7 and then then the Blest service after that, who knows what else!
My plan is when I get some free time to learn the 6 songs planned for Sunday morning so that I can close my eyes and pretend I'm not stood at the front of church when I'm singing. Just me and God, and hopefully things should work out. I'm so nervous and my throat completely closes up so I can't sing very well or even remember what I'm supposed to be singing. Worship is such a big thing for me, but I don't think I'm ready, I'm not spiritually strong enough to be part of a worship group leading a large congregation. But if God intends me to go this route I'll somehow overcome my fear and do it. At least I'm not leading worship and there are plenty of other vocalists to drown me out. Normally I wouldn't happy with the arrangement of the band, but for a first time hopefully it'll give me a bit of confidence.
God, I'm going to need all the help you can give me on Sunday. Let me glorify your name without conscience or hindrance, and be a shining light for your love, encouraging others in their praise. Keep all the band focused and free from nerves and inhibition, so they can be a strong lead in praising your name. Just remind us all that worship is all about you, not a performance, and we should sing, play and dance with our hearts set on fire with a passion for your name, your glorious works and unfailing love. Amen.
I need to get some sleep now. Good Night
Thursday 3 July 2008
A Matter of Blood
Well my world seemed to crumble yesterday. The one thing I was really looking forward to for the past 4 months and knew I was good at, it made a difference and people really appreciated it, was taken away from me. I can no longer give blood.
You may be thinking "What's the problem?" The thing is giving blood was one of the few things that really made me feel good about myself for once. In the midst of a difficult relationship and really struggling to cope with myself and the world, the gratitude I received from all the blood donation lot was a real pick me up. They were all so appreciative, I could forget all my problems, talk to nice friendly people and at the same time I was doing some good with my life; I felt I was useful and had a purpose. One sincere message of hope when usually everyday I was repeatedly made to feel worthless.
Especially given that I have O Rhesus Negative blood which is probably one of the most valuable types, if not the most valuable as it can be given to absolutely anyone regardless of blood group and there are only 7% of us in the population.
That and being an ex self harmer I know only too well the therapeutic and physical values of "letting blood". In a way I was a bit like a drug addict; desperate for my next fix, desperate for the release the sense of calm I get when the blood leaves my veins. Almost every single day I struggle with not causing myself physical harm or pain of some sort. Fortunately I seem to be managing it, but every 16 weeks I thought I could help get rid of all that tension, let go of some blood. Now I no longer have that available to me, I'm going spare.
Add that on top of everything else that's going on and you may start to grasp why I'm not coping too well at the moment; hence any lack of usual smiles and a generally self loathing, miserable and negative attitude I seem to be currently displaying at my own dismay.
Everything has changed so much and in such a short space of time, the reality of what's happened has only just hit me really; a delayed reaction I guess. So an abundance of unpleasant flashbacks, struggling to come to terms with my life so far, trying to get my head round stuff, and the horrible guilt of feeling bad when I have such a blessed and privileged life compared to so many people around the world who have gone through far worse than me, but don't have the solace of a loving family, a warm house and all the material comforts we take for granted.
Also I'm trying to deal with everyday life as well; all the stuff I'm doing with church, my work, my degree, trying to pick up 2 instruments again, training my voice, getting back to exercising and looking after myself (I do not have an eating disorder as some may speculate), desperately trying to make friends and trying to figure out relationships; making sure I don't jump in to far and ruin everything. I've been out of the social loop for a while now, and I'm not quite sure how to go about making friends; what's acceptable and what's not, how to behave and act; what to tell them, what not to tell them etc. It's all a bit daunting and I'm painfully aware I don't have any really close friends I can talk to as I don't really know any of my current friends well enough so far. I don't want to scare them off.
Then there's all the chaos I live in; comparative to a lot of people's situations it's only minor, yet still stressful. Me moving back home with 2 years of possessions and a flat's worth of furniture to find homes for. Not having a bedroom or a real bed. I sleep on a rather uncomfortable chair bed in the playroom so I definitely don't get any personal space or privacy. I live in constant fear of a small child picking up a discarded bra or pair of knickers and flaunting it for everyone to see at my expense. That and I can never find somewhere quiet to relax as there are usually 4 plus boys dominating every room, particularly my make shift bedroom as it contains the piano and Xbox.
Chuck in a burst water pipe too meaning we've had to have the wall's rebuilt and decorated and the floor ripped up and replaced.
So not coping too well; particularly these past few days. I'm doing better than I have done in the past, I'm still managing to put on a brave face and present some sort of cheery smile. But I think the sleep deprivation is starting to show. I'm having so many flashbacks of rather nasty experiences that make me feel sick to the stomach and really quite weak and light headed. I struggle to get any rest given the poor comfort levels, fear and general ill feeling I have, and when I do drift off I constantly wake up. It's wonder how I manage to function during the day at all!
So this is my quiet time, my "me time". The early hours of the morning, sat hunched up over my laptop or poring over one of my many books trying to get my puffy eyes to focus on the text. My time to unwind; let it out with a good cry. My time to talk to God. My oh so wonderful God. I'm sure if it wasn't for him I'd be nursing some self inflicted wound by now. I don't know how, but He gives me the strength to resist such temptation and I am so unbelievably thankful.
Well hopefully in six months or so I may be able to give blood again; they said they'll review my situation then. It all depends on the state of my migraines. Ironically back in February when I was having 2 to 3 migraines a week, with no means of subduing them, they had no qualms about taking my blood. Now I only have 2 to 3 a month and have medication which knocks them on the head within 20 minutes, they won't take my blood to protect my well being. Bizarre!
What a post of woe. I feel better for getting it all off my chest though. Now I just have that terrible sense of guilt as I really have no reason to feel depressed. My problems may be more troubling than a lot of my peers, but they're still minute in the grand scheme of things. I've been through a lot worse times, I'm currently at what should be a very happy time of my life; happiest in over 5 years. I guess it's all the mental processes that are getting me down, coming to terms with what's happened; what I've come away from.
I'm going to do my best to stay positive, I may be feeling very negative about various things at the moment, but even at my low points God's love shines through the people around me comforting me and reminding me how blessed I am. Whether it be through a simple smile, a piece of scripture or page from a book someone's given me, or an encouraging email. I can always rely on God sending someone or something to come through for me, maybe not instantly, but eventually. I can only hope God can work through me in the same way for other people.
Today's snippet of helpful scripture; Philippians 2:12-13
I have one of my Vista gadgets to thank for that, the wonders of technology eh?
You may be thinking "What's the problem?" The thing is giving blood was one of the few things that really made me feel good about myself for once. In the midst of a difficult relationship and really struggling to cope with myself and the world, the gratitude I received from all the blood donation lot was a real pick me up. They were all so appreciative, I could forget all my problems, talk to nice friendly people and at the same time I was doing some good with my life; I felt I was useful and had a purpose. One sincere message of hope when usually everyday I was repeatedly made to feel worthless.
Especially given that I have O Rhesus Negative blood which is probably one of the most valuable types, if not the most valuable as it can be given to absolutely anyone regardless of blood group and there are only 7% of us in the population.
That and being an ex self harmer I know only too well the therapeutic and physical values of "letting blood". In a way I was a bit like a drug addict; desperate for my next fix, desperate for the release the sense of calm I get when the blood leaves my veins. Almost every single day I struggle with not causing myself physical harm or pain of some sort. Fortunately I seem to be managing it, but every 16 weeks I thought I could help get rid of all that tension, let go of some blood. Now I no longer have that available to me, I'm going spare.
Add that on top of everything else that's going on and you may start to grasp why I'm not coping too well at the moment; hence any lack of usual smiles and a generally self loathing, miserable and negative attitude I seem to be currently displaying at my own dismay.
Everything has changed so much and in such a short space of time, the reality of what's happened has only just hit me really; a delayed reaction I guess. So an abundance of unpleasant flashbacks, struggling to come to terms with my life so far, trying to get my head round stuff, and the horrible guilt of feeling bad when I have such a blessed and privileged life compared to so many people around the world who have gone through far worse than me, but don't have the solace of a loving family, a warm house and all the material comforts we take for granted.
Also I'm trying to deal with everyday life as well; all the stuff I'm doing with church, my work, my degree, trying to pick up 2 instruments again, training my voice, getting back to exercising and looking after myself (I do not have an eating disorder as some may speculate), desperately trying to make friends and trying to figure out relationships; making sure I don't jump in to far and ruin everything. I've been out of the social loop for a while now, and I'm not quite sure how to go about making friends; what's acceptable and what's not, how to behave and act; what to tell them, what not to tell them etc. It's all a bit daunting and I'm painfully aware I don't have any really close friends I can talk to as I don't really know any of my current friends well enough so far. I don't want to scare them off.
Then there's all the chaos I live in; comparative to a lot of people's situations it's only minor, yet still stressful. Me moving back home with 2 years of possessions and a flat's worth of furniture to find homes for. Not having a bedroom or a real bed. I sleep on a rather uncomfortable chair bed in the playroom so I definitely don't get any personal space or privacy. I live in constant fear of a small child picking up a discarded bra or pair of knickers and flaunting it for everyone to see at my expense. That and I can never find somewhere quiet to relax as there are usually 4 plus boys dominating every room, particularly my make shift bedroom as it contains the piano and Xbox.
Chuck in a burst water pipe too meaning we've had to have the wall's rebuilt and decorated and the floor ripped up and replaced.
So not coping too well; particularly these past few days. I'm doing better than I have done in the past, I'm still managing to put on a brave face and present some sort of cheery smile. But I think the sleep deprivation is starting to show. I'm having so many flashbacks of rather nasty experiences that make me feel sick to the stomach and really quite weak and light headed. I struggle to get any rest given the poor comfort levels, fear and general ill feeling I have, and when I do drift off I constantly wake up. It's wonder how I manage to function during the day at all!
So this is my quiet time, my "me time". The early hours of the morning, sat hunched up over my laptop or poring over one of my many books trying to get my puffy eyes to focus on the text. My time to unwind; let it out with a good cry. My time to talk to God. My oh so wonderful God. I'm sure if it wasn't for him I'd be nursing some self inflicted wound by now. I don't know how, but He gives me the strength to resist such temptation and I am so unbelievably thankful.
Well hopefully in six months or so I may be able to give blood again; they said they'll review my situation then. It all depends on the state of my migraines. Ironically back in February when I was having 2 to 3 migraines a week, with no means of subduing them, they had no qualms about taking my blood. Now I only have 2 to 3 a month and have medication which knocks them on the head within 20 minutes, they won't take my blood to protect my well being. Bizarre!
What a post of woe. I feel better for getting it all off my chest though. Now I just have that terrible sense of guilt as I really have no reason to feel depressed. My problems may be more troubling than a lot of my peers, but they're still minute in the grand scheme of things. I've been through a lot worse times, I'm currently at what should be a very happy time of my life; happiest in over 5 years. I guess it's all the mental processes that are getting me down, coming to terms with what's happened; what I've come away from.
I'm going to do my best to stay positive, I may be feeling very negative about various things at the moment, but even at my low points God's love shines through the people around me comforting me and reminding me how blessed I am. Whether it be through a simple smile, a piece of scripture or page from a book someone's given me, or an encouraging email. I can always rely on God sending someone or something to come through for me, maybe not instantly, but eventually. I can only hope God can work through me in the same way for other people.
Today's snippet of helpful scripture; Philippians 2:12-13
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
I have one of my Vista gadgets to thank for that, the wonders of technology eh?
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