Thursday, 2 May 2013

5:2, Going Strawberry Blonde and Lady V

So I'm going to start doing 5:2 otherwise known as the Fast Diet. This means "fasting" for 2 days a week and then eating whatever the hell I want for the other 5, though not binge eating as that's silly. I say fasting in inverted commas as it's not a true fast, you still get to eat 500 calories on a "fast day" (600 for men) so it's much easier than total abstinence from food. So far I have done one fast, it didn't go so well, as Gary got all narky and made me eat. Generally I plan to fast Monday and Thursdays, but I'm moving furniture today so it'll be Friday fast this week I think. Plus I have French Fancies that need eating.

For those curious here's my starting stats.
Weight: 11 stone 3 lbs
Height: 5 foot 5 inches
BMI: 26
Bust: 38" (28H/30GG)
Waist: 28-29" depending on how much I've eaten.
Hips: 38"

So I'm overweight with big boobs and a biggish tummy. Not to mention thunderous legs, but they're mostly muscle. I'm hoping to get to a BMI of 22, this is 9 stone 7 lbs, I feel comfortable at this weight, and I was close to this weight for years until a stupid GP told me to stop cycling and I got addicted to doughnuts! But we'll see, I'd be happy to get down to 10 stone or 10 stone 7lbs.  The main thing that attracted me to 5:2 is the health benefits, improved bloodwork, less chance of heart disease, diabetes, dementia etc etc. Granted most of the studies have been done in animals, but it might work in humans too.

And now for some pretty pictures. I've gone a bit mad buying Lady V dresses recently, here's my haul so far.

 You can get them here

You may also have noticed, I've gone from red to strawberry blonde. I used Colour B4 from Boots to remove all the colour from my hair and this is what I was left with. I'm going to tone it a bit, but I think I'll keep it for a while, just as a change. What do you think?


I'm so good at updating this blog.... not really. Well the running was going really well, managed 5k in about 30 minutes and I was working my way up to 10k when injury struck. Still not sure what the injury was, I tripped whilst running and bashed my foot and was left in pain when I weight bared. The doctor said it was plantar faschiitis but the pain was in the wrong place for that. So who knows.
Anyway I got a new new puppy Fenrir in December .

Here he is now. He's 6 months old.

In other news I'm due to finish my nursing course at the end of Summer. I'm currently applying for jobs. Wish me luck.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Running again

I've started running again, I'm following the C25K program on my iphone, so far so good, though I'm only on the first week. Hopefully I'll get through the whole course.
As for my stomach, my scar still complains and causes me grief, even more so when running, but it's manageable. I'll just have to live with being a masochist for the time being, until the pain hopefully goes away.
I've been looking into Vibram five fingers for running, given I'm pretty much starting afresh after 3 years without running, now would be a good time to start using five fingers as my muscles haven't developed yet for proper running, so my gradual introduction to running again would be perfect for getting my feet used to vibrams. There are far too many stories of people with stress fractures who have switched to vibrams after already being long distance runners and going for 10K plus runs in them straight away. No wonder their feet end up screwed. Minimalist footwear is something your feet need to training to get used to. I have my eye on these beauties. Shame they're so expensive. I think I'll get a second hand pair for cheap off ebay and disnfect the heck out of them. If I like them then I'll ask for a pair for my birthday/Christmas.

As for church. Well I enjoy attending a local church on a  regular basis. It feels right somehow. Though I unfortunately discovering Jesus again didn't solve everything, the God shaped whole I thought I had was something different. After all I've never abandoned God as such, just His son. The problem I had was depression. Yes that horrible nasty illness I thought I'd left long behind me. It's been years since I've been in full blown depression, and because I experienced very severe depression I didn't recognise it as it's somewhat milder this time round. I thought I was just sleeping far far too much (12-18 hours a day since before December). I've been nicknamed sleeping beauty and called a cat as a result. Then there was my weakened immune system, I always seemed to be snivelling. The constant nightmares. The inability to enjoy things I used to love. Knitting and crochet had become a chore, I couldn't bring myself to paint or draw anymore. And then there were other far more darker symptoms I won't go into. I felt numb and emotionless most of the time, but not sad. I kept telling myself I was happy, my life is bloody fantastic after all, but I just couldn't feel it. However I didn't feel sad, so surely I couldn't be depressed.
My doctor advised me to stop cycling thinking it was contributing to my fatigue, I was cycling nearly 10 miles a day, after that my mood completely crashed. Lack of exercise is not a good thing. Hence starting the running. And I will go back to cycling every day. Now I'm becoming more active and the sun has come out my mood is starting to improve. It's still pretty rotten, but far better than it was. Now I just need to be careful not to become too obsessed with exercise, I have some weight to lose that I gained from lack of activity, but I can't go too far with it. I'm very wary of my old ED demons coming to get me whilst I'm in a somewhat vulnerable state of mind.

Why am I saying this? Well I believe a lot of stigma around depression has lifted in recent years, and by talking about it the stigma lifts further. There are parts of my mental illness I won't talk about, but a mild spell of depression I'm fine to mention. I don't want sympathy. I'm just putting it out there as its truth. Hopefully it'll lift soon, my mood usually improves with the weather, and the exercise should help combat it.

Now to introduce my new kitten Styx.

And more recently my bunny Nugette died. :( She was 5 or there abouts. Poor bunny.
I'm now just debating whether to get Otis another friend or whether he'll be happy on his own, they've been together since they were 8 weeks old.

Friday, 30 March 2012

If god/jesus exists then why does he allow you to suffer severe crippling pain every day?

I don't know why exactly. But my pain doesn't cause me to question God. The pain is real very real, although it's invisible it's far more real to me than my mental health issues which are difficult to grasp hold of. Yes I hate the pain but it's something I can focus on and make sense of, unlike the mental health issues which are a mystery, so in some ways it's a comfort as it's something tangible. I used to self harm, now if I ever feel the urge I concentrate on my appendix scar, the pain is already there so I don't need to inflict more. Physical pain is an outlet for emotional pain.
Plus it helps me identify with my patients, other people around me, it keeps me grounded, pain isn't always a negative thing, I'm sure it will make me a far better nurse than someone who has never experienced pain. It's like my self harm scars, I despise them too, but the number of other people who sought me out because of my scars for help, I can't count, so in some ways they've been a blessing as they've enabled others to come out and speak out about their problems.
There are a lot of injustices in the world, pain, suffering, abuse, but positivity can arise out of them eventually, they make us appreciate the good things in life. I still ask why did my Dad die, why was I sexually assaulted, why do I have to struggle with mental illness and physical illness, but these experiences have made me grow as a person, taught me a lot and enabled me to connect with other people in a more meaningful way. I may have gone through a lot in my life but I still count myself as extremely blessed.
I've just restarted my walk with Jesus so I have a lot of questions to ask, I don't know if I'll get the answers, but regardless I'll continue on my path and see where it leads me.

Ask me anything

It's Funny How Things Come Around...

Well here I am again, sat in front of my laptop beginning another blog entry. It's been a while. I've looked back over all my old blogs and reminisced over what's happened in the past 4 years. It was this nearly time of year, 4 years ago that I went to New York, I sort of found myself whilst I was there, I came home, left my unfavourable fiancé, returned to my mother's house and returned to the church. I then spent about 6 months rebuilding a broken me and developing my faith in Jesus. The church provided a safe haven for me where I could spiritually grow.

Unfortunately I was still very conflicted inside, battling with mental health issues and trying to navigate new found friendships. At the same time I was having to deal with judgement based on my previous lifestyle, my beliefs in science, family issues, gay issues. Ultimately I felt under a huge pressure to be someone I wasn't. I felt like I was living a lie, like a hypocrite. So I left the church as my understanding of the world was too different. That also meant I abandoned my faith in Jesus, I could no longer sing praise, in fact I couldn't even listen to worship without feeling uncomfortable. I guess I wasn't ready for Christianity.

The problem was I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I changed the way I dressed, immersed myself in Christian music, attended 3 different churches on a regular basis, got involved as much as I could with youth work, worship etc. But it wasn't me. I felt so broken I didn't know who I was so I adopted this persona that I really wasn't comfortable with.
So when I started socialising again with non Christians I found I didn't have to be this perfect Christian and I slowly rediscovered who I was. I like heavy metal and dressing slightly odd, I'm not a modest dresser, I like to flaunt what I've got, I've got a good figure so why not show it off in well fitting clothes. I was having fun again and I didn't feel under pressure. So this reinforced my leaving the church.

Well anyway, here we are 4 years later and I'm going to return to church. This time I think I'm ready. I'm not lost and broken and essentially on the rebound as it were. I'm happy, I know who I am, I'm in a good place in life, but there's something missing.
Several times over the past 4 years I've experienced callings back to church, yet never acted on them, it's always been too scary to face. This time I'm taking the challenge. I don't know exactly what prompted me to seek out a church. Perhaps it was attending my Mum's church on mother's day, it brought back memories of those 6 months where I was heavily involved and I missed it. I missed feeling close to God. I felt tears rolling down my face during the worship, I didn't sing as I felt I couldn't as a non believer, but somehow it got to me.

The following weekend I went down to London riding pillion on Sephi's bike. It was a boring ride consisting of mostly motorway lasting several hours. So what did I do? I thought, I pondered and I talked to God. It's been a long time since we've spoken, and I didn't really get any answers. But I carried on talking to him and I decided to investigate some local churches, asking them on their views on homosexuality.
I found an article by the Guardian about one local church who was affiliated with a church in New York who believed that homosexuality was a disease to be cured, which I found very offensive. That particular local church never got back to me on it's views on homosexuality, so I knocked it off my list of churches to try. The other two churches I emailed however both got back to me very quickly with an offer of coffee.

So I went and had coffee with the elders from both churches and I got the answers I was looking for, thanks God. Both seem to be very welcoming and non judgemental churches, they obviously weren't pro homosexuality, but differentiated between orientation and action and viewed the action as equal with any other sin which I'm happy with.
So I'm going to go to one church this Sunday and the other the following Sunday and see what I think. Then I might try Alpha and see if I can join a house group. These are the two churches:

In the meantime I've still been talking to God, reading the Bible, praying and rediscovering my relationship with Jesus. It turns out I still do have the capacity to believe in Him. However Ill keep my stance that religion is like penguins talking about nuclear physics. It's all beyond our comprehension. But faith is different, it's separate from religion. I have faith and I believe in Jesus. However I will be taking the Bible with a pinch of Salt. God's word? I believe it's man's interpretation of God's word so it is fallible. There seems to me to be a lot of personal opinion in the Bible ie Paul, it's useful to study I don't think it should be taken the absolute word of God, more inspired by the word of God.

Plus I do have an issue with homosexuality. If God made man with no mistakes why would he create an orientation where someone can enjoy the gift of sex? Especially when the male body was created with a prostate that when stimulated via the anus produces orgasm. Looking around at the animal kingdom there is evidence of homosexuality, so why would it not be natural in humans too? I guess this is something I have to disagree with the Bible. I've asked God on the matter, we'll see what he has to say.

As for my current situation and how that fits in with God, I'm not sure. I am currently living with my boyfriend Sephi and in a sexual relationship. Some say this is incompatible with a relationship with Jesus. Perhaps I should leave him and find a nice Christian boyfriend? NO! I couldn't imagine that, I'm in love, I'm not leaving. Plus the damage that would cause is huge. Jesus is not in the business of breaking up families. We may not be married yet, but we are family. Should I put a stop to the sex? Perhaps, but I think that would cause too much friction and hurt, not to mention I'll drive myself batty. I know from experience that a sexually frustrated Belle is not a nice Belle. So what do I do? Get married? Well this is what we're working towards, a proposal is hopefully on the cards. However we can't get married yet as I'll lose my NHS Bursary, so we have to wait until I'm qualified. So until then we'll carry on as we are as I've yet to come under any strong conviction to do otherwise. I need to take my walk with Jesus one step at a time and hopefully by the time Jesus asks this issue to be tackled there will be wedding bells anyway.

So I'm going to come just as I am to Jesus, I'm not going to try and change anything and be something I'm not. If God has a plan for me then I'll embrace it, but I won't try and pre empt it this time.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

do you want to get married?

Yes, very much so. Just waiting to be asked.

Ask me anything

how do you like your coffee?

I only really drink filter coffee, very milky, no sugar, preferably a latte, and in a mug not a silly latte glass, maybe a little syrup for added flavour (peppermint, vanilla, ginger etc).

Ask me anything