My New Toy

My mum always says she regrets not encouraging my Dad to get a big bike. He humbly commuted to work everyday on little 250s, he'd have been much better off with a 600cc or bigger engine. But he stuck with the smaller engined more economical motorbikes. I always loved my Dad's bike, as far as I can remember they were huge amazing machines, and always a deep red. And my Dad would always buy Shoei Helmets. It was always my dream to ride a motorbike just like him. Though I wouldn't have a red motorbike, I'd have a white one, and white leathers and a Shoei helmet. I think I watched too much Captain Scarlet as a kid, probably took my influences from the Angels.

Skip forward 15 years ish and my dream is about to be realised, much to my mother's concern (so much for her regrets). I passed my motorcycle test back in April, before the new test came in and whilst my family was in Mexico so they couldn't object. Now it's September of the same year, I'm very rusty obviously having not ridden for 6 months, and I'm still in the process of recovering from surgery (I intend to blog about that one soon). But regardless of all that, I needed cheering up so I bought myself my first ever motorbike.

It's a white (my 6 year old self would be so happy) and purple 1989 Honda CB-1, also known as the NC27, CB400F and CB400/4. Why so many names I have no idea. It's the Japanese version. Needs a damn good clean, and the earth on the indicators can play up at times. But apart from that it's mechanically sound with a fair bit of powerful behind the throttle and has plenty of torque. It's essentially a naked sports bike. If it weren't for poor marketing it would have been considered the first Hornet. But it only had a 2 year run in the States and Japan as faired sports bikes, the "baby blades", were far more popular at the time. But considering it's nearly as old as me, the bike is damn good, especially as I paid very little for it.

Anyway, I can't ride at the moment as recovery from surgery has rendered me physically incapable of doing anything requiring strength. It'll take a while to build my muscles back up. So in the mean time, the boyfriend and I will be scrubbing and polishing away to get it as clean as possible. We'll fix the indicators, probably respray it, re-upholster the seat and give it a major service. I'm so excited. I've also taken to sitting on and making pretend revving noises like I did when I was a little girl. Brummm brummm. So much fun, and better than nothing when you can't do the real thing!

It's been probably about 12 years since there's been a bike in the garage, Dad got rid of his last one as he had a 100 mile a day commute and the bike wasn't ideal. Numb bum and arms I'm guessing. Instead he got a Skoda. His bear used to sit in the back seat, and he kept boxes of Twix's in the boot. But it was never as cool as a motorbike. He passed away not long after. I imagine if he was still alive he might have bought another bike. I hope he'd be proud his daughter followed in his footsteps. A little concerned for my safety but still enthusiastic about sharing a hobby. Oh and of course, it almost goes without saying, but I bought a Shoei helmet too. I trust my Dad's judgement, I wasn't going to skimp on the helmet.

Anyway, she arrived home today. She's sat safe in the garage under a dust sheet. I'm wondering how long it'll take before my mother discovers her. So far one little boy has discovered it, but promises to keep schtum given it's "beastly and cool". We'll see.

Update

So, developments in the world of Izzy?
I've succumbed to wonders of Twitter... http://twitter.com/bellebot

Also I've decided I'm definitely going to learn to ride, hopefully April, I'm pencilled in for my DAS along with Sephi pending theory and CBT go to plan. I imagine they will. I'm so excited. The motorcycle gear collection has already started.

• Bright pink leather jacket by Wolf, apparently custom made for Jodie Marsh before the boob op. It's epic! You'll see me coming a mile off.
• Leather trousers, AGV, fairly standard black and armoured, brand new and very cheap as a result of the Wyder group going into administration.
• Fly motocross boots, I'm aware I'm not actually going to be involved in motocross, but they look great and were only £18 second hand
• Black leather armoured gloves, my hands are notoriously odd, so finding a pair to fit wasn't an easy task, managed it in the end, think they're RSR Daytonas.

So by no means complete, missing a lid for a start, but it's well on the way.

In other news, I'm recovering from what my mum reckons was flu. Except I didn't have the cold like symptoms as such, just the lethargy, aching, general zombie feeling, vomiting, nausea and apparently looking like death. Lasted around a week or so, most of it spent in bed trying to muster the energy to grab a bottle of lucozade. Not flu in my books, that is at least 2 weeks in bed.
Also to coincide with my bed ridden state, I fell down the stairs, bashing my back on most of them as I went down. Back pain and the snapping crunching noise and then swelling of my ankle definitely kept me in bed. Though they seemed to sort themselves out pretty quickly. It was enough to keep me off work. I don't like being off sick much; can't exactly afford it.

Overall I'm fairly chirpy. Ridiculously excited about learning to ride and getting all my gear. Especially as I get to do it at the same time as Sephi. I've wanted to ride ever since I was little as my Dad used to ride. Can't wait!
Though mainly, the dark days are over. I love winter, however my body doesn't so I get a bit dreary, lethargic and glum. I counteract it by pointing blue LEDs at my eyes in the morning. It works wonders, when I remember to switch my light box on that is!
March is here however, and just like every year, the sunny days and the financial struggles of januray and febuary are in the past, so I feel much happier. They joys of SAD, though I refuse to believe I'm depressed during winter, despite the fact my doctor, mother and boyfriend all say I come across as depressed, withdrawn and angsty. I just have a dip in self esteem and the chemicals in my brain don't work quite as well. Just one of those things in life, it happens, nothing to worry about really. I'm on the up now anyway, and soon I'll have a bright pink motorcycle jacket to match my mood! :-D

I need a hug

Physical contact is a strange thing. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. Though when you need it, but can't get it, you end up feeling very lonely. And eventually even though, you need it, you shun it, as it becomes almost unbearable. You've been longing for it for so long, yet managed to cope without, and in some weird way you want to carry on without. Maybe it's sheer stubbornness, who knows, or just fear of the emotions that come with physical contact.
I'm in a really weird mood today, very confused. I need a hug, yet I have no one to go to, my family are away, all my friends are at least half an hours drive, and even so most are probably at work, and I'd feel a bit stupid turning up just to ask for a hug.

Ah well, I have an essay to get on with.

Three Fold Utopian Dream

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


Eeeee, I'm ridiculously happy at the moment. Probably the most attractive man I've ever laid eyes on likes me, in fact he loves me. I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Not only is he ridiculously handsome and sexy, and I practically melt upon seeing him. But he's kind, caring, funny, intelligent, talented, the most amazing man in my life, I wouldn't change a thing and wouldn't swap him for the world. And the best thing is, he's all mine! I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world. I miss him like crazy, it's not even been 24 hours. And I seem to spend my days without him walking around in a daze beaming with happiness, yet pining to be wrapped in his arms again.

I'm sickening, I'm disgusting, mushy icky yucky. But deliriously happy and blissfully content. I couldn't ask for more. Ok, I lie, I want to spend more time with him. :-) My heaven is waking up on a sunday morning in my bed, cuddled up with the man I love knowing we get to spend the whole day together. This is a happiness I didn't even think possible, not even in my dreams.

It's odd, but I'm so glad I crashed my car prompting the change in relationship dynamic. Crikey, it's only been 4 months (just about), he's probably the best thing that's happened to me. *beams*

25 Things

So, I've noticed these are doing the rounds on Facebook. I can't sleep, so what the hell.....

The rules are: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged who will then write their own note. :D The idea is to learn a little more about everyone you know!

1. My full name is Isobel Sherratt Holman, Sherratt being my great grandmother's maiden name. She was one of the first women to get into university and graduate with a full degree, she studied English at Birmingham. Very clever lady, however she later went crazy and was committed to an asylum for the rest of the days.

2. When I was 11 years old my Dad died suddenly on Christmas day in the early hours of the morning. It's over 10 years since, but I still miss him terribly as I was very much Daddy's girl.

3. I have a sadistic streak in me which I can conceal very well if I choose. Such examples are I once knocked a boy unconscious by pushing him face first into a tree, I was about 6 at the time. I trapped my baby brother in a suitcase and pushed it the down the stairs, I was probably about 5.

4. My family is very religious, all devout Christians. However I am the black sheep as no matter how much I try to be involved with the church and want to believe what they believe, I can't as religion seems very sinister and narrow to me. The more time I spend around religion and debating such, the more repelled I am from it.

5. I do believe in some form of creator, a greater being, "God", I have no idea what sort of entity "God" is, but there is something far bigger and magnificent than the human mind is capable of contemplating or understanding that's beyond our lives on earth and what we know of the universe.

6. A Disney movie changed my life. Enchanted, silly as it sounds made me realise I was unhappy in my life and relationship and there was better out there for me. As a result I made the best decision of my life, and even though I didn't expect to have a fairytale ending like the movie, I'm pretty damned close.

7. On my mother's side of the family there are rumoured to be Spanish gypsies somewhere down the line. On my father's side of the family, you can trace Mediterranean colouring back through the genrations, dark hair and olive skin, apparently there was an Italian lady somewhere in the ancestory. As a result I have slightly olive skin despite being very pale, and very dark eyebrows. Though I also have naturally dark blonde hair, so in combination it looks somewhat strange, and as a result I dye my hair dark to match.

8. Ever since I was little I've been scared of marriage, so never really had many wedding aspirations like other little girls. Even when I was engaged to be married I wasn't excited about wedding plans, in fact I dreaded them. Now I'm no longer engaged and free from the once terrifying thought of getting married, I quite happily fantasize about my future wedding and make silly little plans for it.

9. I have hammer toes. I inherited them from my Dad. As a result I have to be careful about what shoes I wear. Also people make jokes, such as me being able to pick up small children with curled toes, and also STOP!................ Hammer Toes!

10. I refuse to have my hammer toes straightened as apparently you can no longer wear heels after the surgery. However, one of my toes was straightened when my younger brother crushed one under his chair leg when I wasn't wearing anything on my feet. My younger brother is probably 14 stone of mostly muscle. It hurt a lot, but now it's straight and no longer slightly curled under.

11. Still on the subject of feet, I love shoes, I currently own somewhere in the region of 60-70 pairs of footwear spread amongst 3 different addresses for lack of storage in one place.

12. There are very few men I find physically attractive, lucky enough for me, the most attractive man I've laid eyes on took a similar interest in me, and at times I struggle to believe he's mine, it's like a wonderful dream come true.

13. I love Heinz baked beans, no other beans will suffice, only Heinz. Whenever I go travelling, my first meal when I get back to England is Heinz baked beans on toast.

14. I am currently studying Fine Art at uni. I'm good at drawing, which is why I'm doing the course. Problem is, I don't find Art that interesting and wish I was doing something science orientated, but I don't cope well with exams. There are no exams in Fine Art.

15. I've been on crutches 8 times, I am very accident prone and no stranger to A&E. I have a habit of breaking tiny obscure bones in my hands and feet. I'm also ridiculously stubborn and often refuse to get things checked out in the hopes they'll sort themselves out in a couple of days, often this isn't the case and I never learn.

16. I have a horrendous fear of infertility which stems from the fact I've never had a regular menstrual cycle and my my mother had fertility problems. It still keeps me up at night on occasion.

17. I love corsets and tightlacing. When I'm on form I can reduce my waist to 22" and still manage to breathe, eat, drink and hold normal conversation. It's just like being hugged very tightly. I own 7 steel boned corsets and will no doubt soon own more given my other half shares my love of corsetry.

18. I can't stand tights, so I wear stockings and suspenders instead much to my mother's bemusement as she still thinks tights are a wonderous invention.

19. I love books, I'm notorious for getting myself into debt after huge spending sprees on amazon or in book shops. My book shelves are full in my current bedroom and my old bedroom which my brother now lives in, and I still have several large boxes in storage full of books. My dream is to have my own library one day. A room in my house filled floor to ceiling with books, like in Beauty and The Beast.

20. I can't stand feet, they repulse me. But I have a several drawings, studies and etchings of my feet on my bedroom wall. And I've spent a lot of time dressing my boyfriend's injured toe, when previously I couldn't stand to go near feet. Maybe I'm overcoming my my aversion to feet in general, or perhaps it's just Gary's feet and my own I've learnt to tolerate.

21. My friends are incredibly precious to me, however I'm not very good at staying in regular contact. Regardless, I still think of them and miss them everyday.

22. I miss playing hockey.

23. I don't have very high self esteem so very rarely leave the house without a full face of make up on. It's silly, but it helps boost my confidence and sense of self worth. I feel almost naked without it, very vulnerable and defenceless.

24. My bank manager will be able to tell when I'm on period as I become wreckless and impulsive with my spending. I plan to hide my credit and debit cards and live on cash from work next time I'm on the blob as I can't financially afford PMS otherwise.

25. My blood type is O Rhesus Negative. This means I'm a universal donor and absolutely anyone can use my blood. So it's very precious and useful and the blood donor lot regularly phone me up hungry for my blood. Shame if I ever need a blood transfusion I can only use O- blood, and there's only 7% of the population with the same blood group as me.

Hmmmm.......

Finally the thing you've been dreading your whole life has found you, engulfed you, swallowed you whole. And who'd have thought, it's actually not as bad as you feared. In fact it's the best thing in the world, far surpassed any expectations and made you realise any previous encounters you thought you had with this thing weren't anything close. They left you underwhelmed and disillusioned, when in actual fact, the real thing is awesome in the true sense of the word.
Now, you're left with a very weird sensation, and a smug grin plastered on your face and dreamy eyes. The resultant pain from pining is worth it, as overall you're elated and ecstatic. Life isn't quite the same anymore, and most likely never will be again, however you're blissfully happy. You're the cat that got the cream, and it's even better than you dreamed.

Smug

Pinch me,
I'm dreaming.........









He's perfect.

What?

Ever in the mood where you really want to write? However when you sit down at your laptop, all of sudden you have no clue what to write?
First I started writing about recent activities, such as the loss of my bedroom to a dehumidifier and having to sleep on the floor. But that's dull.
Then I began to write about various health gubbins, menstruation, hormones and my relief that 10 weeks of hell is over. But that just screams whiney woman.
My next train of thought, my favourite train of thought, was about my relationship. But that's really mushy stuff.
Slightly less mushy, sex, but I don't fancy possible resulting disapproval from my Christian associates, or generally being brandished a nymph. Besides, it's all a bit personal and private.
So I'm now at a loss at what to write.

How Things Change and The Man Who Buys Me Flowers

Not updated this in a while. Ah well, as would seem to be the trend for 2008 my life has gone through a lot of changes. Namely rediscovering Jesus, then rediscovering why I left the church in the first place. A big spiritual battlefield I can tell you that. Yes, the idea of the Christian faith is lovely, and part of me really wants to believe it, yet it all seems far too convenient and personal experience doesn't fit with various theologies.
Why you may ask? Some may speculate my friendship with non believers. But truth be told they've had little bearing on my personal view of faith and religion. The main thing ironically was a Bible conference. That was when the doubts set it, and also the concern at how such uniform belief systems affect people. Granted there are a huge positive aspects to it, mainly the community, good feeling and upstanding morality. However religion as a whole seems to me to have sinister undertones to it and I've decided I no longer want a part in it.
I still have my faith in God, the infallible creator of the universe, however, the rest of Christian beliefs aren't so in tune with mine. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't a clue. A scary thought admittedly, but we're only human after all, we can't even begin to contemplate the great unknown and majestic power of the creator of existence. I guess I've become one of the dreaded Agnostics.... I have a faith, it just doesn't fit into a nice little religious box, far too ambiguous. Feel free to disagree, though I'm still finding myself, in spiritual terms I am very much lost, but don't try and save me or convert me, this is something that'll take time and is between me and my creator.

That was long overdue.

In other news, moving on from the eternal to the current and hopefully future. I have found myself the most wonderful man to keep me company. It all came about by accident.
After realising leading an abstinent life was needlessly stressful and turned me into a manipulative cold hearted bitch inclined to use and abuse people, I decided to find myself a friend with benefits. (Apologies to those I've hurt in the process.) I've never been one for one night stands, but a casual affair, still monogamous, but with no messy feelings involved seemed right up my street. This was after much consultation with various friends, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Agnostic and Atheist, they all agreed this was the best solution.
Literally less than a week previous to this I had clocked eyes on a man I found attractive, only a fleeting glance, but still, this is a rarity for me, finding a man attractive, very attractive at that. He was tall, long dark hair, bearded and weilding a camera. Though, this is where my new found girly emotions take over, and of course I was unable to pursue him for feeling weak at the knees everytime I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
However, it seems I wasn't alone in my interest, and lo and behold on the wonders of facebook a photograph of myself cropped up, taken by the tall skulky photographer I'd taken a fancy to. He'd noticed me, thanks to a shared fetish for corsetry. Much to my delight he also initaited conversation via the medium of instant messaging. "So what?" you say. A man who I found physically very attractive, and possibly sexually attractive too (I mainly go on smell, not aesthetics as such) also found me mutually attractive. So, it wasn't long before I found myself a fuck buddy. Cue a far happier, relaxed and serene Izzy.

You don't need to know details, however our arrangement lasted a meagre 2 weeks or so before it all fell apart. Little "Miss I don't want a relationship" managed to plant her car in hedge and on top of a give way sign. Well done me. This rendered me short of transport as I'd mangled the front half of my car, and in a spectacular amount of pain. Dosed up to the eyeballs on valium and codiene I was restricted to my bed and not moving much due to confusion, sleepiness and pain. I didn't get whiplash, just severe muscle trauma, my poor legs and arms.
So my weekend trip was cancelled and I still missed my regular weekends plans. Though my crippled status provided a handy opportunity for a certain friend to come visit me and keep me company, with lashings of chocolate to sweeten the deal. Please note, this isn't a euphemism.

Though two friends, used to enjoying each others company in strictly platonic and physical ways, now realised in the absence of physical activities, there weren't just platonic feelings. Perhaps a need to feel looked after and cared for on my part seemed to make something flip. I can't say for him, however the dynamic of our relationship changed that day. Several hours of pigging out on chocolate, chatting, cuddling and laughing seemed to change our attitudes and affections set in. Oh shit, I didn't want this to happen.

Before I go on, I have a thing about kissing. So any casual encounter of mine, there was to be no kissing. Kissing confuses things, personally I find it far more intimate than sex. So, friends with benefits comes with a strict no kissing rule. I have no desire to kiss people unless I'm romantically involved, I've obliged in previous situations as a means to easily manipulate, but it never sits too comfortably with me.
However this particular Sunday, I found a disgusting heartfelt urge to kiss him. I didn't, and I didn't even voice my desires, after all I didn't want any emotional commitment or mess. Though I was later told I wasn't the only way to feel like that, so I eventually fessed up. Surprise surprise, about half a week later I ended up in a passionate embrace and finally gave in to kissing him, throwing my convictions out of the window. It was official, we were no longer fuck buddies, but stuck on the path to smug coupledom. Despite my reservations at the time, it was a wonderful decision.

The rest is history. I'm deliriously happy, and somewhat overwhelmed by the fact I'm involved with a man who I not only swoon at the sight of, but amazingly enough treats me like a princess, respects me, shares my interests, is kind, caring, intelligent and can actually match my libido. I've found someone who I'm sexually compatible with, yet I've also found a best friend. And despite our beginnings being based on sex, a 7 week stint of biologically impossed abstinence (neither of us are exactly in the mood when the decorators are in), our relationship has only grown a lot stronger. So at least that settles any fears that we wouldn't work without the sex. Hey, we can still play fight in the middle of sommerfield whilst under threat of being chucked out for horsing about. 21 and 23..... we certainly don't act it at times!


Plus, on a weird note, I can't find anything wrong with him.
You know, when you first meet someone, there's always some flaw or other you can find. Perhaps they have a funny nose, a habit of farting in bed, a penchant for calling you nasty names, they transform into an asshole after several pints, gel their hair into stupid styles. Eventually you can overlook it, but it's always there, niggling away at the back of your mind. Well this time, nothing. Strange. Even the ridiculous cockney accent he adopts to wind me up I find endearing.

I'm very much aware I'm in the first throes of romance, overwhelmed by rushes of emotion. I miss him terribly when we're apart, and we get on like a house on fire when we're together, it's only been less than 3 months. Who knows, perhaps time will alter my feelings, and I'll realise I was blinded by infatuation. But given our blunt and honest beginnings, cards laid bare on the table, perhaps there is a future in this. I very much hope so. In the mean time, I'm very much smitten with my 6'2 scouser and computer geek. ^____^


What a sickly post; I really am a girl. I could talk about my frustrating body and the 7 weeks of menstrual hell and general malaise. But instead I'm going to sit back and smile to myself, and enjoy the sensation of falling............