Well, big upheaval and lots of change going on in my life. So why not start using this thing properly. Part of a fresh start I guess.
I've recently left the man I intended to marry, moved out of our apartment and back in with my mother. I've put God back into the driving seat and plan to enjoy life.
Let me explain more, as so many people are asking, and I've heard various things that aren't strictly true as people relay bits to others. So I'll need to put them straight, and this way my larynx will be somewhat relieved.
So, as the removal guy said "What went wrong?" Everything. My ex-fiance was a great guy, still is, however it was never destined to work I've realised. I was positive he was negative, it may work for magnets and batteries, but not people. It worked for a while, otherwise we wouldn't have got engaged, but there wasn't a future really, not a happy one anyway.
I know brides-to-be get cold feet, but my feet were so cold they'd gotten frost bite and fallen off. We had such different attitudes and personalities, we couldn't make each other happy given how much we clashed. I wanted to raise my kids in the church, and give them a happy silly childhood full of laughter, singing and ridiculous games. He wanted to be a strict disciplinarian and have his children call him "Sir", plus he didn't want to "brainwash them with religion". He definately wasn't the type to take his kids to the park to play rugby and frisby, and that's the sort of father I want for my children.
Also the language he used and names he called me I found particularly insulting and offensive. I know in many families such language and name calling is commonplace and perfectly acceptable, but I wasn't raised in that sort of environment. I was brought up believing those sort of words were vulgar and not be used and certainly not to be used to call someone by as they're derogatory in nature.
So it could never really work long term, better to end it now than continue trying to make it work and then filing for divorce later on. I'm sure he'll find someone else more suited to him and I wish him all the best in life as he's not a bad bloke.
As for God, well I used to have a very strong faith, and I've never lost it as many people seem to think. However my relationship with God had waned somewhat in recent years due to varying circumstances, poor choices, unhealthy relationships etc. I guess during those times I thought God had abandoned me. Well he does have 6 billion odd people in the world to deal with, and I didn't think my life was anything to worry about really.
But whilst in New York, away from my everyday life I had time to think and do some soul searching. A few casual remarks about our unusual good luck weatherwise and event wise in manhattan being down to God's angels made me think. Of course, God never abandoned me, rather I'd abandoned Him. It was never a conscious decision, but over the years I'd kicked Him out of the driving seat and into the passenger seat, then eventually somehow He ended up sat on the back seat and if I carried on the way I was going He'd end up in the boot!
So He was still always there, but I was leaving Him behind, no longer a companion, but a tag along you weren't too fussed about. Or movie wise, one of the characters you didn't know would make it to the end of the film as they weren't too significant, perhaps they'd be a victim of some monster or other. But what monster? I guess my sinful life and selfish desires. I was so hell-bent on settling down and having children, I pushed everything else off the agenda.
But it's time for change, time for redemption.
I'm going to try and rid my life of sin, I know it's an impossible task as humans are sinful creatures by nature, but we do have a choice over what we do. Speaking of which, I should really put that biscuit back in the pantry, or at least ask mum if I can have it first before eating it.
Though already my efforts seem to be paying off, I feel much happier now I'm back at home, no longer living in sin at that apartment. Fornication isn't all that great, it makes things very complicated. Get married first kids.
So, I think I'd better end this now, leave my musings for another time.
Just remember, God is always there, he never leaves you.
