Well, here I am again. Looked like I'd forgotten my beloved blog. Alas, I have not, yet another night plagued by insomnia and here I find myself. Typing drivel.
Been, thinking recently about attraction, orientation and what not. I've been challenged about it all of late, by my own ponderings and other people's questions. Mainly because I find myself attracted to women and not to men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lesbian. However I don't find men physically attractive. Yes I eventually want a husband and a family, but any attraction will grow out of initial friendship most likely as quite literally, I only find a handful of men physically attractive. This means that when I look at them I think "wowzer, he's gorgeous" and begin to swoon! Any other attraction I have to men is their response to me. I'm a sucker for attention, particularly that of a sexual nature. My libido takes over, and any attraction I feel is based on feelings of lust and wanting to ease sexual frustration. There aren't any real feelings behind it all, just a means to an end, sexual satisfaction. But that will only be temporary and no doubt I'll get bored and move onto something else. So I'm currently doing my very best to stay clear of any such encounters and reject my cravings.
I have the same reaction to women, however I do find them physically attractive and do have the sense of wanting more than to satisfy the demands of the id. I want to be with them, on a deeper level, a relationship, not just sex. As a result, I meet a woman I like, I find it hard to develop a friendship with them without also developing feelings of a romantic nature for them. It gets somewhat complicated when you're trying to be a friend and talk boy stuff yet at the same time you feel torn apart that they have a boyfriend, or go out looking for men. Yet the friendship is far too precious to risk by telling them how you feel, besides chances are she won't bat for both teams anyway. Fortunately I seem to able to get over crushes fairly quickly. There will always be that niggling longing feeling, but I can generally quash it and ignore it and just be friends.
Then there's the whole God issue. Obviously gay relationships are frowned upon by the church. God doesn't appear to object to the orientation, but the sex, He does object to. And where does that begin? Is it possible to have a celibate relationship? Personally I doubt I could manage it, also where does a sexual relationship start? Sex, mutual masterbation, heavy petting, kissing? Some even say hugging and holding hands. But that's a bit extreme in my opinion. Of course it's the same issue in a hetrosexual relationship, yet fornication is pretty much acceptable now. Even the church seems to turn a blind eye to those with the attitude of everything but intercourse. Though I can guarantee if I'm seen kissing a woman, I'll get stick for it, yet kissing a bloke no one would bat an eyelid at.
My strategy at the moment of course is to remain single. No issue of orientation or attraction then, and it's far easier staying celibate. Definitely no questions over where to draw various lines. Besides the prospect of a relationship sends me running for the hills at the moment. But what happens when I feel ready for a relationship? Some say this is a phase, I'm young and confused, I'll grow out of it. I was bullied back in primary school for this though, so it's hardly a new phenomenom for me, not exactly a short lived phase really.
I don't even know what I'm getting at here. Ah well. I need sleep.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Thursday, 28 August 2008
In The Wars
Well my foot doesn't seem to be healing much at all. In fact it's just getting more and more painful by the day. The swelling has yet to subside, and it now makes strange crunching noises every now and then. My thoughts that something might be broken are becoming more and more likely.
For those who haven't heard the story of how I injured my foot:
Whilst at Wellspring I was on one of the bouncy castle obstacle courses for kids and instead of sliding down the last bit, I decided this was too costly time wise (I was in a race) and decided to jump it instead. However I misjudged my landing as the ground was moving somewhat (being bouncy) and managed to injure my right foot and knee. After lying on the grass in agony for a few minutes, I decided to stop being a wimp and walk it off. Didn't quite work, but I was coping with the pain and my subsequent hobble.
The following morning during worship some guy in front of us was slain in the spirit. Great you say, however as he fell back, Rob had to jump out of his way in order to catch him. In the process of this he jumped back onto my injured foot, all 15 stone of him. I felt like I was 5 again as it was so painful I actually burst into tears. Well my foot was prayed over, however no healing for me, just mild pain relief until the following day. Enough to stop me crying and hop back to the tent and watch everyone else pack up for me.
I was forced onto crutches for a few days as I couldn't weight bear and so had to miss work, and church. Though I managed to make it to Devoted with only one crutch and people helpfully carrying me about so I didn't have to look like such an invalid, just a flying madwoman brandishing a stick! So not too many of my plans were scuppered. However this was 3 weeks ago. Surely my foot should have returned to it's normal shape, not hurt this much and definitely not be crunching. At least I can walk relatively limp free now. I'll go see a doctor about it at some point.
Well the aforementioned crush has now abated, back to my usual self, or at least so I thought. Working at the pub last night a young man came in. He's been in before, I recognise him. Anyway I got chatting to him about tattoos and the like, and he offered to buy me a drink. Normally I don't think anything of this, I'm just flattered and accept gratefully. But this time I went all girly and bashful. Couldn't even remember what I usually take as a drink (tomato juice) and kinda tripped over my words. Felt so silly and embarrassed. Hadn't previously thought anything of this guy in terms of attraction, yet here I am all of a flutter over him buying me a drink. And now he's preying on my mind and I can feel the corners of my mouth curl up sheepishly and my cheeks gradually become warm. I'm turning into some love fool teenage girl! Everything I used to abhor when I was that age. Snap out of it Izzy! Ok, he is a bit yum thinking about it *bites lip*. Sheesh, what happened to my inability to fancy guys?
In other news, my lactose intolerance has reared its ugly head once more. So it's back to soya milk for me. Tea tastes rubbish with soya, so I've moved back to coffee. In Starbucks terms that's a tall double soya latte with peppermint. Sometimes I'll have vanilla or gingerbread instead of peppermint, and I'll forgo the extra shot of espresso, depends on my mood. One thing I have learnt, if you ask for peppermint in your latte at Nero your beverage turns out a murky green/grey colour, still tasty however.
The only problem is PMS dictates I eat chocolate, and I haven't been able to get my hands on co-op's fairtrade dark chocolate which is dairy free, so I've been munching my usual dairy milk. Bad move, I feel very sick now and extremely bloated. Ah well, I never learn it would seem. Perhaps one day.
I'm out this Saturday night in Preston if anyone fancies coming out with me?
For those who haven't heard the story of how I injured my foot:
Whilst at Wellspring I was on one of the bouncy castle obstacle courses for kids and instead of sliding down the last bit, I decided this was too costly time wise (I was in a race) and decided to jump it instead. However I misjudged my landing as the ground was moving somewhat (being bouncy) and managed to injure my right foot and knee. After lying on the grass in agony for a few minutes, I decided to stop being a wimp and walk it off. Didn't quite work, but I was coping with the pain and my subsequent hobble.
The following morning during worship some guy in front of us was slain in the spirit. Great you say, however as he fell back, Rob had to jump out of his way in order to catch him. In the process of this he jumped back onto my injured foot, all 15 stone of him. I felt like I was 5 again as it was so painful I actually burst into tears. Well my foot was prayed over, however no healing for me, just mild pain relief until the following day. Enough to stop me crying and hop back to the tent and watch everyone else pack up for me.
I was forced onto crutches for a few days as I couldn't weight bear and so had to miss work, and church. Though I managed to make it to Devoted with only one crutch and people helpfully carrying me about so I didn't have to look like such an invalid, just a flying madwoman brandishing a stick! So not too many of my plans were scuppered. However this was 3 weeks ago. Surely my foot should have returned to it's normal shape, not hurt this much and definitely not be crunching. At least I can walk relatively limp free now. I'll go see a doctor about it at some point.
Well the aforementioned crush has now abated, back to my usual self, or at least so I thought. Working at the pub last night a young man came in. He's been in before, I recognise him. Anyway I got chatting to him about tattoos and the like, and he offered to buy me a drink. Normally I don't think anything of this, I'm just flattered and accept gratefully. But this time I went all girly and bashful. Couldn't even remember what I usually take as a drink (tomato juice) and kinda tripped over my words. Felt so silly and embarrassed. Hadn't previously thought anything of this guy in terms of attraction, yet here I am all of a flutter over him buying me a drink. And now he's preying on my mind and I can feel the corners of my mouth curl up sheepishly and my cheeks gradually become warm. I'm turning into some love fool teenage girl! Everything I used to abhor when I was that age. Snap out of it Izzy! Ok, he is a bit yum thinking about it *bites lip*. Sheesh, what happened to my inability to fancy guys?
In other news, my lactose intolerance has reared its ugly head once more. So it's back to soya milk for me. Tea tastes rubbish with soya, so I've moved back to coffee. In Starbucks terms that's a tall double soya latte with peppermint. Sometimes I'll have vanilla or gingerbread instead of peppermint, and I'll forgo the extra shot of espresso, depends on my mood. One thing I have learnt, if you ask for peppermint in your latte at Nero your beverage turns out a murky green/grey colour, still tasty however.
The only problem is PMS dictates I eat chocolate, and I haven't been able to get my hands on co-op's fairtrade dark chocolate which is dairy free, so I've been munching my usual dairy milk. Bad move, I feel very sick now and extremely bloated. Ah well, I never learn it would seem. Perhaps one day.
I'm out this Saturday night in Preston if anyone fancies coming out with me?
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Long Time No Blog...
Well, it's been a busy summer, most without internet access. Plus the family computer has died (mobo burnt out) so they've all decided they can use mine instead, regardless of whether I'm happy about it. I don't know what they do, but somehow they've managed to corrupt the hard drive, so I can't even do a system restore, disk clean, disk defrag etc and can't run the likes of windows live mail and explorer without an error message coming up. Good job I despise those programs and use firefox instead.
I'll fix it all when I have the time, first I need to get the meddlers off my precious machine.
So how's the summer gone? Well first was a week camping down in Cornwall for the Bible conference Wellspring. Would have been a great week apart from the constant rain and lashings of wind uprooting everyone's tents! Also I felt very much alone given I didn't know anyone my age. As much as I love the youth from my church, I do feel a bit left out due to the difference in age and life experience. My usual topics of conversation aren't appropriate for the young innocent and naive. It would seem a lot of the youth have lead very sheltered lives, which is great in some respects, but means we're miles apart in terms of thought patterns and attitudes. Also makes me worry as I've been part of the big bad world outside the church, and these kids are in for a shock when they hit it. Life isn't a nicey nicey outside of Garstang.
And apparently 20 is too old to be considered youth! It stops after 18! Shocker. But gradually I got to know people from other churches, so I felt more at ease as I found people more on my wave length.
Then I had a week down in Guildford visiting a friend of mine. He probably now thinks I'm even crazier than before, if that's at all possible. And insists I'm horribly independent and stubborn because I wouldn't let him pay for everything and buy me clothes. On reflection, what was I thinking? Missed out there. It also rained a lot there.
Then off to Scotland for the Edinburgh festival and dog sitting for friends. Great time there, Peebles is such a gorgeous place, shame about all the rain. Plus saw some great shows as part of the Fringe, even got to see Rhona Cameron. I love that woman so much, can't beat a Scottish lesbian comic!
I was also supposed to be heading off to Keswick, but my plans were scuppered by work and illness. Working the Saturday and the Sunday, then Monday morning I was hit by a horrific stomach bug type affair. From 4am to midday I spent most of my time clutching onto the toilet bowl for dear life praying that I could have some bowel control to retain what little dignity I had left after projectile vomiting all over the bathroom! Not pleasant I can tell you that. And I fear I've already included too much information, so I'll stop there.
It's now Tuesday evening, and I still feel like death warmed up. Horrible fever, general lethargy, aching muscles and very disorientated. I feel very empty after my body decided to purge everything in my system. Now my stomach has also shrunk considerably, my last meal I managed to eat about 3 mouthfuls before feeling full. Probably explains why I've lost 5 inches off my waist in just over a day (without tight lacing). I was bloated and suffering from PMT before with a 29" waist, now 24" and feel like air, empty and light headed. So confused, not sure what day, time or season it is. I hope my laptop isn't lying to me.
Ah well I have a pile of clothes next to me so I can easily adjust to temperature changes. From wearing a skimpy vest top and sweating profusely from being too hot, to 2 jumpers, a hoody and 2 dressing gowns when I have chills and so cold I fear I'm on the edge of death!
Right, well I'd best go find something productive to do. As for a silver lining to my miserable state, my hair has turned out magnificently shiny, not in the slightest bit greasy and my skin is clearing up, and of course the aforementioned shrinking to my waist giving my hourglass figure even more definition! Good times.
I'll fix it all when I have the time, first I need to get the meddlers off my precious machine.
So how's the summer gone? Well first was a week camping down in Cornwall for the Bible conference Wellspring. Would have been a great week apart from the constant rain and lashings of wind uprooting everyone's tents! Also I felt very much alone given I didn't know anyone my age. As much as I love the youth from my church, I do feel a bit left out due to the difference in age and life experience. My usual topics of conversation aren't appropriate for the young innocent and naive. It would seem a lot of the youth have lead very sheltered lives, which is great in some respects, but means we're miles apart in terms of thought patterns and attitudes. Also makes me worry as I've been part of the big bad world outside the church, and these kids are in for a shock when they hit it. Life isn't a nicey nicey outside of Garstang.
And apparently 20 is too old to be considered youth! It stops after 18! Shocker. But gradually I got to know people from other churches, so I felt more at ease as I found people more on my wave length.
Then I had a week down in Guildford visiting a friend of mine. He probably now thinks I'm even crazier than before, if that's at all possible. And insists I'm horribly independent and stubborn because I wouldn't let him pay for everything and buy me clothes. On reflection, what was I thinking? Missed out there. It also rained a lot there.
Then off to Scotland for the Edinburgh festival and dog sitting for friends. Great time there, Peebles is such a gorgeous place, shame about all the rain. Plus saw some great shows as part of the Fringe, even got to see Rhona Cameron. I love that woman so much, can't beat a Scottish lesbian comic!
I was also supposed to be heading off to Keswick, but my plans were scuppered by work and illness. Working the Saturday and the Sunday, then Monday morning I was hit by a horrific stomach bug type affair. From 4am to midday I spent most of my time clutching onto the toilet bowl for dear life praying that I could have some bowel control to retain what little dignity I had left after projectile vomiting all over the bathroom! Not pleasant I can tell you that. And I fear I've already included too much information, so I'll stop there.
It's now Tuesday evening, and I still feel like death warmed up. Horrible fever, general lethargy, aching muscles and very disorientated. I feel very empty after my body decided to purge everything in my system. Now my stomach has also shrunk considerably, my last meal I managed to eat about 3 mouthfuls before feeling full. Probably explains why I've lost 5 inches off my waist in just over a day (without tight lacing). I was bloated and suffering from PMT before with a 29" waist, now 24" and feel like air, empty and light headed. So confused, not sure what day, time or season it is. I hope my laptop isn't lying to me.
Ah well I have a pile of clothes next to me so I can easily adjust to temperature changes. From wearing a skimpy vest top and sweating profusely from being too hot, to 2 jumpers, a hoody and 2 dressing gowns when I have chills and so cold I fear I'm on the edge of death!
Right, well I'd best go find something productive to do. As for a silver lining to my miserable state, my hair has turned out magnificently shiny, not in the slightest bit greasy and my skin is clearing up, and of course the aforementioned shrinking to my waist giving my hourglass figure even more definition! Good times.
Friday, 18 July 2008
Insomniac Correspondant
Oh deary me, I really can't sleep. What a bother. I'm actually starting to get quite angry with myself for not being able to sleep. Not only is the sleep deprivation taking it's toll on my mental state and energy levels, but now my appearance. My skin has become ashen and less taut, I've broken out in spots, my eyes are dull and drooping, plus no amount of make up will alleviate my dark circles. What joy.
However I've managed to distract myself from my crush. I've found a new obsession. Yes I'm still bowled over by the man in question, but I've put those thoughts aside for the time being. After all I'd far rather have him as a friend first. I just hope I don't see him again soon, as all my hard work will come undone, especially if he winks at me again as I can guarantee I will melt into a pile of mush on the floor, or perhaps even swoon!
Onto the new obsession...... new phone. My current phone is dying an untimely death. The speaker has almost completely packed up now, and the 4 and 6 buttons are extremely temperamental. So, given I can't splash out £100 odd in one go on a new phone, I'm going to switch to contract. Which will also mean I can use my mobile to call everyone instead of the land line. Every month I seem to be shelling out around £20 to my mum to cover calls I've made from the home phone. Seems a bit ridiculous.
Having decided which phone I want (Samsung Tocco), I'm currently seeing what the best deals are, and then daring the salesmen in various phone shops to do better. So far none have come up with anything I like except perhaps orange. However I want to stay with O2, so tomorrows task is to challenge O2 to match or hopefully better the deal by orange. I'll play the loyalty card (5 years) shame it's been on pay as you go, if I was pay monthly I'd have more of an edge when it comes to bargaining. I'm also debating how morally dubious it is to wear a low cut top and push up bra to aid negotiations. In theory playing hard ball and sheer stubbornness alone should do the trick, along with a cheeky smile of course! I have confidence in my abilities to secure the deal I want. I may ask God for some help too; not necessarily to get me a super duper deal, but not to settle for second best and not be tempted to exploit any feminine assets I may have in assisting my pursuits.
Well my singing lesson went well today, despite being 20 minutes late and almost crashing my car. Whoops. I'd been stuck behind the slowest and most irritating driver for about two miles, and I got impatient and as soon as it was relatively safe I overtook. However I didn't realise the other side of the road was falling away at the sides, and ended up almost in the ditch alongside the road!
Fortunately my singing teacher has an amazing ability to calm me down and make me laugh and smile. That and singing always makes me feel 100 times better. Even when I'm shockingly tired and my voice has cracked. At least yawning while singing can have a positive effect of opening up your throat and relaxing the vocal muscles giving a much rounder and louder sound, not so harsh. So from then onwards, a good day.
Yesterday (Wednesday) was The Sims 2 Community Day for Apartment Life down in Guildford. Unfortunately I missed it because I was working, and couldn't really afford the train fare or petrol. However I did have the offer of a spare room to sleep in. I really enjoyed the day for FreeTime in January. Ah well, I'll just have to wait and see if there are any more in the pipeline, but I believe this is it for The Sims 2, The Sims 3 is next and that's a long way off.
However my friend who organises these things said I could come down and they'd sort out a tour of the EA offices for me, after all, I've only seen the old Chertsey one, not the Guildford one! Exciting stuff. It also came with the promise of a spare room to make use of, and a night of ridiculous fun on rock band, no doubt with alcohol involved and to be shown the delights of Guildford! Fun stuff.
Right, it is 4:42 am. I'm going to try and get some sleep, again. Hopefully this time it will be more successful. Previous to this little escapade on my laptop I'd spent several hours just tossing and turning. I'm not liking this bout of insomnia. It's by no means as bad as I've experienced in the past (recalls the time she didn't sleep for nearly 17 days) as I do seem to get some sleep, even though it's only a few hours a morning. I feel morning is more appropriate than night, given that sleep doesn't kick in till gone 2am usually, not for lack of trying however.
Maybe I'll visit Liz, the only time I've received healing from God of a miraculous nature was through Liz. Years of insomnia gone instantly. Very weird, I felt horrendously nauseous when she prayed for me, but my sleeping problems were gone after that, didn't have any trouble. Up until now that is, or rather these past 6 months or so. Not that Liz alone can do anything, but perhaps it will help. Or maybe this insomnia will yield something positive, who knows.
Righto, sorry no scriptural references today. Just a jumble of whimsical prose that no one will find in the slightest bit interesting. Good morning.
However I've managed to distract myself from my crush. I've found a new obsession. Yes I'm still bowled over by the man in question, but I've put those thoughts aside for the time being. After all I'd far rather have him as a friend first. I just hope I don't see him again soon, as all my hard work will come undone, especially if he winks at me again as I can guarantee I will melt into a pile of mush on the floor, or perhaps even swoon!
Onto the new obsession...... new phone. My current phone is dying an untimely death. The speaker has almost completely packed up now, and the 4 and 6 buttons are extremely temperamental. So, given I can't splash out £100 odd in one go on a new phone, I'm going to switch to contract. Which will also mean I can use my mobile to call everyone instead of the land line. Every month I seem to be shelling out around £20 to my mum to cover calls I've made from the home phone. Seems a bit ridiculous.
Having decided which phone I want (Samsung Tocco), I'm currently seeing what the best deals are, and then daring the salesmen in various phone shops to do better. So far none have come up with anything I like except perhaps orange. However I want to stay with O2, so tomorrows task is to challenge O2 to match or hopefully better the deal by orange. I'll play the loyalty card (5 years) shame it's been on pay as you go, if I was pay monthly I'd have more of an edge when it comes to bargaining. I'm also debating how morally dubious it is to wear a low cut top and push up bra to aid negotiations. In theory playing hard ball and sheer stubbornness alone should do the trick, along with a cheeky smile of course! I have confidence in my abilities to secure the deal I want. I may ask God for some help too; not necessarily to get me a super duper deal, but not to settle for second best and not be tempted to exploit any feminine assets I may have in assisting my pursuits.
Well my singing lesson went well today, despite being 20 minutes late and almost crashing my car. Whoops. I'd been stuck behind the slowest and most irritating driver for about two miles, and I got impatient and as soon as it was relatively safe I overtook. However I didn't realise the other side of the road was falling away at the sides, and ended up almost in the ditch alongside the road!
Fortunately my singing teacher has an amazing ability to calm me down and make me laugh and smile. That and singing always makes me feel 100 times better. Even when I'm shockingly tired and my voice has cracked. At least yawning while singing can have a positive effect of opening up your throat and relaxing the vocal muscles giving a much rounder and louder sound, not so harsh. So from then onwards, a good day.
Yesterday (Wednesday) was The Sims 2 Community Day for Apartment Life down in Guildford. Unfortunately I missed it because I was working, and couldn't really afford the train fare or petrol. However I did have the offer of a spare room to sleep in. I really enjoyed the day for FreeTime in January. Ah well, I'll just have to wait and see if there are any more in the pipeline, but I believe this is it for The Sims 2, The Sims 3 is next and that's a long way off.
However my friend who organises these things said I could come down and they'd sort out a tour of the EA offices for me, after all, I've only seen the old Chertsey one, not the Guildford one! Exciting stuff. It also came with the promise of a spare room to make use of, and a night of ridiculous fun on rock band, no doubt with alcohol involved and to be shown the delights of Guildford! Fun stuff.
Right, it is 4:42 am. I'm going to try and get some sleep, again. Hopefully this time it will be more successful. Previous to this little escapade on my laptop I'd spent several hours just tossing and turning. I'm not liking this bout of insomnia. It's by no means as bad as I've experienced in the past (recalls the time she didn't sleep for nearly 17 days) as I do seem to get some sleep, even though it's only a few hours a morning. I feel morning is more appropriate than night, given that sleep doesn't kick in till gone 2am usually, not for lack of trying however.
Maybe I'll visit Liz, the only time I've received healing from God of a miraculous nature was through Liz. Years of insomnia gone instantly. Very weird, I felt horrendously nauseous when she prayed for me, but my sleeping problems were gone after that, didn't have any trouble. Up until now that is, or rather these past 6 months or so. Not that Liz alone can do anything, but perhaps it will help. Or maybe this insomnia will yield something positive, who knows.
Righto, sorry no scriptural references today. Just a jumble of whimsical prose that no one will find in the slightest bit interesting. Good morning.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
I've Got A Crush On You.....
If you knew me when I was younger you probably already know about my lack of understanding of the phenomena of crushes. I never got them. I didn't really know what one was, certainly never had a crush as such on anyone. I just went through life wishing for a boyfriend, however never actually wishing it was a certain person. Yes I definitely admired people I'd met and knew, or considered various physical characteristics attractive. But I never so much had the swoon like reaction to someone, talking gibberish at them and generally just melting into a ball of useless pink goo whenever you think about them.
Well, at long last that has changed. I finally understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I feel like a numpty; very shy, self conscious and kicking myself for saying such stupid things and generally looking and acting ridiculous around them. Oh the joys of attraction.
However I won't be doing anything about this crush, just trying ignore my feelings and act like a normal person. I need to be single right now, and I doubt this guy would reciprocate any feelings I have, he's out of my league. I will leave it at friends and generally get to know him better. Who knows, maybe something could happen later on down the line. But not now. I just have to ignore the fact he's one of only a small handful of guys I've ever found really good looking and attractive. The problem is, even though he's externally very appealing, the more I get to know him, the more I'm attracted to him as he's such a great guy and I'd like him even if he looked like the back end of a bus!
Oh crikey, my life seems to have turned upside down in the past few months! If you'd told me at the beginning of this year that within 6 months I'd be joking around in a hot tub with friends, heavily involved with the church, free, single and overcome by girly emotions, I'd never have believed you. Life seems fantastic again, it's been a long time. I've been through a heck of a lot in my 20 years, however as my friend said "there's still a fun loving little girl inside shining through".
Hmm, today's Bible verses seem somewhat fitting to my situation.
Yet again, this seems to be happening time and time again. I asked for a way out of my previous situation. A situation I'd thought would be hard to leave, but it turned out to be far easier and safer than I ever imagined. And now the things I'd been longing for for so many years I've found, all through the work of God and His people. So, with this whole crush business I will do the same. Put it into God's hands, if something is meant to happen, it will in good time, in the mean time, I ask for composure so I can hopefully gain a good friend without letting silly feelings spoiling it.
People ask why there are never any miracles being performed in the modern world. Mind you the flocks to the Florida Healing Outpouring would tell you otherwise. But irrespective of any big wowzer miracles going on, there are millions of miracles happening everyday. People just are too busy or preoccupied with the world to notice. But given some of my circumstances, how on earth I manage to maintain a genuine cheery disposition (most of the time) is a miracle in itself. It's all a matter of faith.
Once more I'm up at some absurd time, I need to go to sleep, not only my mother is going beserk at my sleeping patterns and sleep deprived affectation, but my friends are showing concern.
Night all, or rather, morning.
Well, at long last that has changed. I finally understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I feel like a numpty; very shy, self conscious and kicking myself for saying such stupid things and generally looking and acting ridiculous around them. Oh the joys of attraction.
However I won't be doing anything about this crush, just trying ignore my feelings and act like a normal person. I need to be single right now, and I doubt this guy would reciprocate any feelings I have, he's out of my league. I will leave it at friends and generally get to know him better. Who knows, maybe something could happen later on down the line. But not now. I just have to ignore the fact he's one of only a small handful of guys I've ever found really good looking and attractive. The problem is, even though he's externally very appealing, the more I get to know him, the more I'm attracted to him as he's such a great guy and I'd like him even if he looked like the back end of a bus!
Oh crikey, my life seems to have turned upside down in the past few months! If you'd told me at the beginning of this year that within 6 months I'd be joking around in a hot tub with friends, heavily involved with the church, free, single and overcome by girly emotions, I'd never have believed you. Life seems fantastic again, it's been a long time. I've been through a heck of a lot in my 20 years, however as my friend said "there's still a fun loving little girl inside shining through".
Hmm, today's Bible verses seem somewhat fitting to my situation.
July 14, 2008
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:8
How very true, since coming back to Christ my world has gone from strength to strength. Not everything is hunky dory, I doubt it ever will be, fallen world after all. All the same, I've been incredibly blessed in these few months back home in God's family where I belong.| So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. | ||
| Luke 11:9-10 | ||
Yet again, this seems to be happening time and time again. I asked for a way out of my previous situation. A situation I'd thought would be hard to leave, but it turned out to be far easier and safer than I ever imagined. And now the things I'd been longing for for so many years I've found, all through the work of God and His people. So, with this whole crush business I will do the same. Put it into God's hands, if something is meant to happen, it will in good time, in the mean time, I ask for composure so I can hopefully gain a good friend without letting silly feelings spoiling it.
People ask why there are never any miracles being performed in the modern world. Mind you the flocks to the Florida Healing Outpouring would tell you otherwise. But irrespective of any big wowzer miracles going on, there are millions of miracles happening everyday. People just are too busy or preoccupied with the world to notice. But given some of my circumstances, how on earth I manage to maintain a genuine cheery disposition (most of the time) is a miracle in itself. It's all a matter of faith.
Once more I'm up at some absurd time, I need to go to sleep, not only my mother is going beserk at my sleeping patterns and sleep deprived affectation, but my friends are showing concern.
Night all, or rather, morning.
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Guess Who Can't Sleep?
I'm afraid to say though, there are no prizes for correct guesses.
I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.
Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?
(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)
Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.
Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.
But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.
I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.
Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!
I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.
Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?
(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)
Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.
Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.
But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.
I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.
Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!
Friday, 11 July 2008
Blerg
Really not feeling myself today. Not quite sure why, but I guess sleep deprivation has a large role to play. I'm so lethargic; months of not sleeping properly are really taking their toll. My back for one is killing me, absolute agony and pain killers don't seem to touch it. I hate feeling like this. My old bouncy self was beginning to return, but it's been occluded by physical constraints. Bah!
At least life is on the up, and hopefully I will have my own bedroom soon and a real bed, no more back ache and having to get changed in the dark. Or little boys running in to play xbox and finding the odd discarded bra much at my chagrin.
Plus I'm off to Wellspring soon. Trying to sort out tents at the moment. It looks like I'll be taking my own 4 man tent, all to myself, no one else, except for the luggage of those with no spare room in their own tents! I'm really looking forward to getting away and just having some fun and hopefully some space to myself without family bearing down on me.
Though I'm not looking forward to being with all the girls in the youth who will undoubtedly be bikini clad if the weather is suitable for sun bathing. Which of course makes me feel horribly self conscious and corpulent as I'm curvy and none of the youth seem to have developed any curves let alone extra padding! That and my legendary thunder thighs seem particularly large at the moment. Probably because my waist is smaller, stomach flatter, so in comparison my thighs are monstrous given the bulk of muscle in them and the fact I can't shift any weight off them. Seriously I could probably shrink to 6 stone and my top half look as if I've just emerged from some concentration camp, except my legs will still be just as shapely as ever. Actually my boobs don't seem to shrink either, just sag. How lovely! I just have to remember I have a good 5 years of development on most of them, when I was their age I didn't have hips or boobs either. But I still had thunder thighs.
Methinks when I actually have enough energy I will start running again properly. As currently my exercise is somewhat sporadic. I'll no doubt employ my bike again as well. But that'll only build up my muscles more leading even shapelier legs! They're nearly all muscle at the moment which is somewhat scary, how I've maintained such muscular bulk I've no idea. I'm blaming heels and the ridiculous number of stairs I have to climb to get to my studios at uni!
Well, last night was good, fancy dress party at Pip's. They're always legendary parties. I went as a cowgirl, Rob as an Arab. However the costumes didn't last long as a streak of madness overcame us and we went swimming in the outdoor pool. I looked an interesting sight walking about in a swimming costume, board shorts and cowboy boots! The rest of the night was spent on "Rock Band", Rob's 'expert' guitar skills and my appalling vocal attempts. And then the obligatory karaoke ensued. Shame my voice has died on me recently, but it was fun nevertheless.
However I've noticed some rather unflattering photos from the night surfacing on facebook. Not only do I feel fat, but ugly. The recent acne attack and dark circles really shouldn't be exposed to the public, but swimming and make up don't mix alas. Why didn't I take any make up with me to try and redeem my unsightly appearance? The fact I'm not in the slightest photogenic doesn't help. Argh, must stop being so woebegone, it's just been a rough few days for me, no wonder I'm not at my best appearance wise and vocally.
Ah well, it would appear my single status doesn't quite sit comfortably with people. Everyone seems to be playing match maker. All great guys, but I'm not interested in a relationship at present, I can't afford to get hurt again and I have a lot of head stuff to sort out. Besides the guys people have suggested wouldn't be interested in me, out of my league, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Ah well, God made me just the way He intended and I shouldn't grumble, once I'm taking better care of myself no doubt I'll start to feel better about everything, even my thunder thighs!
At least life is on the up, and hopefully I will have my own bedroom soon and a real bed, no more back ache and having to get changed in the dark. Or little boys running in to play xbox and finding the odd discarded bra much at my chagrin.
Plus I'm off to Wellspring soon. Trying to sort out tents at the moment. It looks like I'll be taking my own 4 man tent, all to myself, no one else, except for the luggage of those with no spare room in their own tents! I'm really looking forward to getting away and just having some fun and hopefully some space to myself without family bearing down on me.
Though I'm not looking forward to being with all the girls in the youth who will undoubtedly be bikini clad if the weather is suitable for sun bathing. Which of course makes me feel horribly self conscious and corpulent as I'm curvy and none of the youth seem to have developed any curves let alone extra padding! That and my legendary thunder thighs seem particularly large at the moment. Probably because my waist is smaller, stomach flatter, so in comparison my thighs are monstrous given the bulk of muscle in them and the fact I can't shift any weight off them. Seriously I could probably shrink to 6 stone and my top half look as if I've just emerged from some concentration camp, except my legs will still be just as shapely as ever. Actually my boobs don't seem to shrink either, just sag. How lovely! I just have to remember I have a good 5 years of development on most of them, when I was their age I didn't have hips or boobs either. But I still had thunder thighs.
Methinks when I actually have enough energy I will start running again properly. As currently my exercise is somewhat sporadic. I'll no doubt employ my bike again as well. But that'll only build up my muscles more leading even shapelier legs! They're nearly all muscle at the moment which is somewhat scary, how I've maintained such muscular bulk I've no idea. I'm blaming heels and the ridiculous number of stairs I have to climb to get to my studios at uni!
Well, last night was good, fancy dress party at Pip's. They're always legendary parties. I went as a cowgirl, Rob as an Arab. However the costumes didn't last long as a streak of madness overcame us and we went swimming in the outdoor pool. I looked an interesting sight walking about in a swimming costume, board shorts and cowboy boots! The rest of the night was spent on "Rock Band", Rob's 'expert' guitar skills and my appalling vocal attempts. And then the obligatory karaoke ensued. Shame my voice has died on me recently, but it was fun nevertheless.
However I've noticed some rather unflattering photos from the night surfacing on facebook. Not only do I feel fat, but ugly. The recent acne attack and dark circles really shouldn't be exposed to the public, but swimming and make up don't mix alas. Why didn't I take any make up with me to try and redeem my unsightly appearance? The fact I'm not in the slightest photogenic doesn't help. Argh, must stop being so woebegone, it's just been a rough few days for me, no wonder I'm not at my best appearance wise and vocally.
Ah well, it would appear my single status doesn't quite sit comfortably with people. Everyone seems to be playing match maker. All great guys, but I'm not interested in a relationship at present, I can't afford to get hurt again and I have a lot of head stuff to sort out. Besides the guys people have suggested wouldn't be interested in me, out of my league, I wouldn't stand a chance.
Ah well, God made me just the way He intended and I shouldn't grumble, once I'm taking better care of myself no doubt I'll start to feel better about everything, even my thunder thighs!
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