... or at least I hope so, just seems it's not often talked about, making the battle invariably harder!
You can probably guess what this is going to be about, it's pretty much all I ever seem to write about.
Well, I'm currently sat in bed with my shiny new laptop. The joys of modern technology and wireless internet. This evening I went to see Sex and the City at the cinema, real good way to stir up all those emotions you want to suppress! Raging hormones aside, it got me thinking about relationships and what I want from future relationships. (Remember people, I'm not interested for a good while yet so no playing cupid!)
Anyway, what I really want from a relationship is a companion. I want a best friend, who at the same time I can't wait to rip his clothes off! Someone who still thinks I'm sexy in a big jumper with a runny nose and demanding soup be brought to my sick bed. Someone I can trust and confide in, yet still be silly and have a laugh with. I want a fabulous father for my children, someone who'll protect me and make me feel safe and secure. Someone who'll support me in my Christian faith and share my morals and values.
But how do you know when you've found this elusive bloke, "the one"? Even if I find someone who seemingly ticks all the boxes, how do I know how things will be once we marry and live together? In my experience things haven't gone too well, usually in the living with someone or sex department. But if you can't test these things out before marriage in a relationship that puts God first, then how do you know these will work out? It's a big risk, it takes a lot of faith I guess.
Of course I should fully trust in God to provide me with everything I want and need in a partner, perfectly compatible. But my faith at present isn't strong enough unfortunately, so I'm left with all these doubts, fears and worries.
So, my experiences so far? Well in all my relationships I've found we weren't sexually compatible, for the first few weeks, perhaps even months thongs were good, not fantastic but good, then it would all fizzle out and I'd be left frustrated as I found my male counterpart's libido tended to wane, whilst mine was still sky high. Perhaps a flaw in all men, or just the ones I've had so far. Anyway, it leaves me with a fear of ending up with a man who despite all my love for him cannot satisfy in the bedroom, either for long enough or frequently enough. And still manage to cope with a week a month off, perhaps more to cater for hormonal and emotional disturbances. Reading it back, sounds like I'm asking for the impossible.
As for living with someone. I have lived with one boyfriend who later became my fiancé. It really didn't work, constant arguments about housework and responsibility, financial matters and generally how we spent our free time. We never seemed to get any space or time apart from each other, yet never spent quality time with each other. Seems perhaps a paradox, but that was how we lived. That and our vastly different values, opinions and views didn't help matters, it was never destined to work. Though if I'd never moved in with him first then I'd never have found out about all his undesirable character traits and if I'd waited until marriage before living together I could have found myself in a far trickier situation to get out of.
One could argue that it was because I moved in and became physically intimate prematurely that's why things turned sour with previous relationships. What happened was a result of indulging in a sinful lifestyle. But it still leaves you wondering, especially given the number of women I know who's husbands completely changed after marriage in attitude and even personality. Or those women and men who indulge in affairs because of a poor marital sex life, where basically the couple are sexually incompatible, whether it be sexual desires or different libidos.
So there's the whole debate of to test or not to test. For example, you don't usually buy a pair of shoes without trying them on to see if they fit and are comfortable. (Though there is evidence to the contrary with my shoe buying habit!) So surely you'd apply similar logic to that of a life partner. Like test driving a car.
But our God given guidelines are there for a reason, I've fallen foul of that in the past and now understand the value of sex and how it shouldn't be abused outside marital boundaries. I guess it just takes a lot of faith to fully trust God to find you someone perfect, someone who you won't need to test drive first before committing. It's a blind bet that will hopefully pay off. Or rather, with God's assurance, will pay off.
Well it's certainly clear to me so far, my faith is still very shaky and needs a lot of work to strengthen it. My walk with Jesus is still in the early stages. It's been 14 years since I made a commitment, and although there have been set backs I will continue with Our walk and spiritually grow, just takes time, devotion and faith.
Now the one question my mind begs to ask; Where do you draw the line? But that's a whole different topic. Perhaps the subject of my next post, we'll have to wait and see, could be long however as it involves the bane of my life, temptation!
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