Such as upside down text.
Anyhoo, I think there is sufficient time between this post and the last, I was berated for blogging too much by my friend Chris, he was struggling to keep up. I was more astonished to find out he read them in the first place let alone tried to keep up to date.
Well, I'm currently enjoying my new found freedom in being single. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself really. I can do whatever I want, and wherever I go everyone is really nice and friendly. Such a huge change in my life when previously I'd be stuck in my flat feeling miserable because the only person I had to talk to would far rather spend all his time on computer games than interact with me.
Now I just feel fabulous, a million times happier and healthier. I imagine going running more often, eating my mum's cooking and generally eating less chocolate have something to do with that. I just have to be careful though as the weight is dropping off me like there's no tomorrow. I've probably lost about half a stone in the past month. My belt is on the tightest notch and already too loose! Crikey. In fact, just standing on the scales now, fully clothed and accesorised, apple pie in hand and full of food and drink and I'm under the 60kg mark. Jeepers. Won't be long before I'm into the 8 stone something region, not been anywhere close to that for years!
Hmmm, note to self, eat more or you'll have to buy smaller clothes.
However this means I can go further with my tightlacing; 21" so far, previously I could only manage 22". I may have to invest in some smaller corsets. Though really 20" is probably tight enough, after that it starts getting scary and I'm fairly sure my internal organs won't appreciate it. If I get back into training I'm sure I'll be down to 20" pretty soon, especially given as I no longer have a 27" waist to squeeze, it's back down to 25" now.
Ah well, enough corset talk, it either scares of confuses people. The Sex and The City Movie is out soon. Yay! I'm probably going sometime next week, possibly with Lynne, my boss. Can't wait. That and if I go to see it I can get a certain something from LoveHoney half price. Which is pretty cool. It'll help with the whole abstinence thing as I'm not finding it too easy at the moment. The phrase "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" certainly doesn't apply to sex. Because then you know what you're missing.
My head and heart says "No, too emotionally messy, stay clear of sex for a long while." My moral conscience says "Wait till you're married woman, repent of your old ways." and my body says "What are you playing at girly? It's been over 4 months, just go find someone to bonk and get it all out of your system!"
So, I'm just a little frustrated and trying to calm down a raging libido. Fun stuff.
At least I have the church to keep me busy and reinforce the whole "no sex until you're married" conviction. I really want to make a good go at this, not just for God, but for me. I've experienced first hand how fornication can mess you up, and I don't want to go through that all again. However, I'm a very sexual person, so it's not going to be easy. In Freudian terms I guess, my ego and superego are doing their very best to suppress a very powerful id. Or at least trying to compromise with a rampant rabbit, I wonder what the Bible says about such things?
Well, I'd best get ready for work, I think I have a message that needs a reply and I should generally shift my arse away from the computer.
One last thing, apparently I'm a good singer. I'm somewhat suprised to have been told this on many occasions since returning to church. I've always thought that I was somewhat abysmal when it came to singing. So if anyone reading this has heard me sing (not my stupid kareoke or mock singing that is) please let me know whether this is true.
Wednesday 28 May 2008
Thursday 22 May 2008
The pitfalls of an addictive personality
Or rather an obsessive personality. You end up developing dependencies or obsessions very easily, and the only way to get rid of them is to replace them with another. Oh dear.
Fortunately it's nothing serious, such as switching a chocolate addiction to ginger addiction, or an obsession with pulling out the hair from your toes turning into an obsession with biting your nails (not toe nails might I add). Or perhaps they're just bad habits. Don't worry I won't be talking of any of the major pitfalls of an addictive personality, just the little trivial ones.
One trend of late I have noticed, I seem to have replaced sex with shopping. Goodbye student loan in other words. Whoops. I always loved clothes shopping, however in the past few years I stopped, roughly about the time I started having more physical relationships. But during the dry spells, I returned to the high street with gay abandon. More recently in the few months before I went to New York, (girly stuff went horribly wrong, don't you just love hormones?) I had several huge shopping sprees resulting in so many new clothes to choose from I packed clothes adequate for a month's trip! Whoops, one very heavy suitcase. And well, since then it hasn't really stopped.
I can tell you one thing retail therapy does wonders for you, especially nice new clothes that fit wonderfully, what a boost to your self esteem. But I somewhat doubt my bank balance is as happy. Not in the red by any means, but still......
So I'm left with a quandary in my head, what do I replace clothes shopping with? I don't intend to have sex again until I'm married (this is going to be tough), but I can't carry on spending given my low income and lack of storage. Something to satisfy the libido, material and earthly desires. I really shouldn't be so captivated by our consumerist culture, but the alternative it seems is very frustrating, even when you do have a man, as quite frankly men's libidos can never match a woman's, and I'm not even in my prime yet! Mmmm....... Maybe trying to balance?
Going off on an tangent here be warned. Went for physio today for my dodgy knees, my problem is I have hyperextensive joints (hypermobility), sounds pretty cool doesn't it, aside from the odd party trick it 'aint much fun, just painful. In fact some of the party tricks are painful too, one particular event of toppling down 3 flights of stairs, with a little push after showing someone I can get my legs round the back of my head. Ouchies, I can tell you that. But strangely enough, I've never been able to do the splits, somewhat disappointed as a result actually.
Anyway, I have to strengthen and build up my quads and hamstrings again, and to do this I've been prescribed a balance board! Yay, I'm rubbish at them. But I will learn, watch this space, I'll be a pro in no time. I just hope it satisfies libido! Just have to go out and buy one now. Basically it's a circular board, either wood or plastic, and underneath half a sphere on which you have to balance whilst standing on top of the board. Much harder than it looks as I found out today.
At first I thought the rehabilitation of my knee joints would be easy like last time, just various exercises. And I was given them, to do easy peasy. But apparently given the current strength of my locomotive muscles, I have to do about 3 times as much as previously. I am destined to have rugby player legs, they're already getting there, they are all too frequently mocked for being larger than a lot of guys' leg muscles I know. Pah, they're just scrawny! I quite like my shapely legs, means I can't buy as many knee high boots as they don't fit round my calves.
Right oh, I'd better head off to the land of nod. It's getting late, I've had too many late nights recently, either having people round till 3 in the morning, having phone conversations to the early hours, or deciding that after finishing work it would be a good idea to go and have several brews at someone's house, however I didn't finish work till gone 1am! Ah well, I guess, apart from this week, I don't regularly make a habit of burning the midnight oil, so I'll live.
So, I will leave you with a quote I am somewhat fond of;
"Phrenology taught us that the mind thinks by means of the brain, is liable to become fatigued by too long attention, as the locomotive muscles are by too much walking; and I therefore proposed to them to take a brief rest. "
George Combe
Fortunately it's nothing serious, such as switching a chocolate addiction to ginger addiction, or an obsession with pulling out the hair from your toes turning into an obsession with biting your nails (not toe nails might I add). Or perhaps they're just bad habits. Don't worry I won't be talking of any of the major pitfalls of an addictive personality, just the little trivial ones.
One trend of late I have noticed, I seem to have replaced sex with shopping. Goodbye student loan in other words. Whoops. I always loved clothes shopping, however in the past few years I stopped, roughly about the time I started having more physical relationships. But during the dry spells, I returned to the high street with gay abandon. More recently in the few months before I went to New York, (girly stuff went horribly wrong, don't you just love hormones?) I had several huge shopping sprees resulting in so many new clothes to choose from I packed clothes adequate for a month's trip! Whoops, one very heavy suitcase. And well, since then it hasn't really stopped.
I can tell you one thing retail therapy does wonders for you, especially nice new clothes that fit wonderfully, what a boost to your self esteem. But I somewhat doubt my bank balance is as happy. Not in the red by any means, but still......
So I'm left with a quandary in my head, what do I replace clothes shopping with? I don't intend to have sex again until I'm married (this is going to be tough), but I can't carry on spending given my low income and lack of storage. Something to satisfy the libido, material and earthly desires. I really shouldn't be so captivated by our consumerist culture, but the alternative it seems is very frustrating, even when you do have a man, as quite frankly men's libidos can never match a woman's, and I'm not even in my prime yet! Mmmm....... Maybe trying to balance?
Going off on an tangent here be warned. Went for physio today for my dodgy knees, my problem is I have hyperextensive joints (hypermobility), sounds pretty cool doesn't it, aside from the odd party trick it 'aint much fun, just painful. In fact some of the party tricks are painful too, one particular event of toppling down 3 flights of stairs, with a little push after showing someone I can get my legs round the back of my head. Ouchies, I can tell you that. But strangely enough, I've never been able to do the splits, somewhat disappointed as a result actually.
Anyway, I have to strengthen and build up my quads and hamstrings again, and to do this I've been prescribed a balance board! Yay, I'm rubbish at them. But I will learn, watch this space, I'll be a pro in no time. I just hope it satisfies libido! Just have to go out and buy one now. Basically it's a circular board, either wood or plastic, and underneath half a sphere on which you have to balance whilst standing on top of the board. Much harder than it looks as I found out today.
At first I thought the rehabilitation of my knee joints would be easy like last time, just various exercises. And I was given them, to do easy peasy. But apparently given the current strength of my locomotive muscles, I have to do about 3 times as much as previously. I am destined to have rugby player legs, they're already getting there, they are all too frequently mocked for being larger than a lot of guys' leg muscles I know. Pah, they're just scrawny! I quite like my shapely legs, means I can't buy as many knee high boots as they don't fit round my calves.
Right oh, I'd better head off to the land of nod. It's getting late, I've had too many late nights recently, either having people round till 3 in the morning, having phone conversations to the early hours, or deciding that after finishing work it would be a good idea to go and have several brews at someone's house, however I didn't finish work till gone 1am! Ah well, I guess, apart from this week, I don't regularly make a habit of burning the midnight oil, so I'll live.
So, I will leave you with a quote I am somewhat fond of;
"Phrenology taught us that the mind thinks by means of the brain, is liable to become fatigued by too long attention, as the locomotive muscles are by too much walking; and I therefore proposed to them to take a brief rest. "
George Combe
Sunday 18 May 2008
The subject of boyfriends
Don't you just love that term? Boyfriend. Brilliant! A friend who is a boy, yet it means so much more. Technically I have loads of boy friends, yet no "boyfriend", even when I've had them I still didn't use the term. I guess I always think of the young couple, girlfriend and boyfriend, she's 13, he's 14, holding hands in between lessons, or under the table at lunch. The odd cheeky kiss here and there, and the look on their faces when they think of each other, all those butterflies, amazing.
If only relationships were that simple.
I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.
So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.
I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.
I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.
So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.
Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.
Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.
If only relationships were that simple.
I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.
So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.
I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.
I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.
So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.
Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.
Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.
Saturday 10 May 2008
Ponderings
I was going to make a post about how hard my dog's life is (a joke of course, he has a fabulous life, lazy thing). But I've realised there is so much more I need to do with my life, I can't spend my days drawing pretty pictures and pottering about safe little Lancashire. All my plans, my 3 aims in life: Happiness, Marriage, Children, all irrelevant. There is so much I can do with my life and want to do with it, in fact need to do with it.
I'm in an extremely fortunate and privileged position. I may not live in a mansion with no worries or problems, but I have a loving family, supportive community, a nice warm house with plenty of luxuries that we all take for granted, and of course I'm educated. I don't even have a real bed at the moment, yet I realise how extremely lucky I am when other people with even more fortunate lives spend their days complaining and moaning about this wonderful country we live in and how their life is so miserable and tough or stressful. Yes it may well be stressful, but there are so many people in the world who are worse off yet appreciate what little they have so much more.
I'm sick and tired of people whining about the NHS, saying they're useless and rubbish. Yes it could be improved, but at least we live in a welfare state and have free health care. You go to America, if you don't have health insurance and you have an injury or become ill and can't afford the bills, you're really screwed. Doesn't happen in England, pretty much anyone can get treatment. A 6 month waiting list is far better than no treatment at all. And of course in so many parts of the world, there is no option of treatment at all, there is no health insurance, you can't pay the hospital bills, in fact you can't even get to the hospital, you just have to put up with any injuries and illnesses and pray you survive.
I got so angry with a certain person in my life who insisted we were living just above the poverty line. I've never been anything close to impoverished and probably never will be. I've never seen absolute poverty with my own eyes, but the poverty I have seen in person in places like Kenya and Peru is still shocking. 4 families sharing a room about 10ft x 14ft, one fetid mattress, a table and a few broken chairs and a bunch of chickens running about. The children's entertainment involved picking the paint off the walls and using the flakes as betting tokens for hand games similar to rock paper scissor. I challenge the people who say England is "going to the dogs" to find someone living like that here.
I could go on forever about the things we all take for granted, myself included, but it won't achieve anything.
Now the big question is what do I do? Ever since I was little I've wanted to go on mission, whether it be abroad but somewhere relatively safe, say working from a Christian compound, in the middle of a war zone or somewhere where the church is persecuted, or even in the grotty estates of Manchester. Who knows what I'll do, all I know is there are so many people suffering out there and with God's help I can make a difference, only a very small difference admittedly, but at least it's something. I know I need to do something, life is short and I have to make the most of it.
I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of soul searching to do and getting right with God, getting to know Jesus again. It won't be easy, but I'm very much looking forward to it. I've been in a very dark place the past few years without Jesus by my side, but things are looking up again since I've put God back into the driving seat.
I'm in an extremely fortunate and privileged position. I may not live in a mansion with no worries or problems, but I have a loving family, supportive community, a nice warm house with plenty of luxuries that we all take for granted, and of course I'm educated. I don't even have a real bed at the moment, yet I realise how extremely lucky I am when other people with even more fortunate lives spend their days complaining and moaning about this wonderful country we live in and how their life is so miserable and tough or stressful. Yes it may well be stressful, but there are so many people in the world who are worse off yet appreciate what little they have so much more.
I'm sick and tired of people whining about the NHS, saying they're useless and rubbish. Yes it could be improved, but at least we live in a welfare state and have free health care. You go to America, if you don't have health insurance and you have an injury or become ill and can't afford the bills, you're really screwed. Doesn't happen in England, pretty much anyone can get treatment. A 6 month waiting list is far better than no treatment at all. And of course in so many parts of the world, there is no option of treatment at all, there is no health insurance, you can't pay the hospital bills, in fact you can't even get to the hospital, you just have to put up with any injuries and illnesses and pray you survive.
I got so angry with a certain person in my life who insisted we were living just above the poverty line. I've never been anything close to impoverished and probably never will be. I've never seen absolute poverty with my own eyes, but the poverty I have seen in person in places like Kenya and Peru is still shocking. 4 families sharing a room about 10ft x 14ft, one fetid mattress, a table and a few broken chairs and a bunch of chickens running about. The children's entertainment involved picking the paint off the walls and using the flakes as betting tokens for hand games similar to rock paper scissor. I challenge the people who say England is "going to the dogs" to find someone living like that here.
I could go on forever about the things we all take for granted, myself included, but it won't achieve anything.
Now the big question is what do I do? Ever since I was little I've wanted to go on mission, whether it be abroad but somewhere relatively safe, say working from a Christian compound, in the middle of a war zone or somewhere where the church is persecuted, or even in the grotty estates of Manchester. Who knows what I'll do, all I know is there are so many people suffering out there and with God's help I can make a difference, only a very small difference admittedly, but at least it's something. I know I need to do something, life is short and I have to make the most of it.
I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of soul searching to do and getting right with God, getting to know Jesus again. It won't be easy, but I'm very much looking forward to it. I've been in a very dark place the past few years without Jesus by my side, but things are looking up again since I've put God back into the driving seat.
Monday 5 May 2008
Omm Nomm Nomm
I'm currently eating fig rolls, they are very tasty! Might break out the hob nobs in a bit, it's bank holiday, biscuits now form the main part of my diet.
Well apparently quite a few people seem to have read my last post (I thought no one actually read blogs, or only very rarely). All positive feedback it would seem. It's just nice to know people care, whether it be a friend I see everyweek or haven't spoken to in several years. I love my friends, such wondeful people, and so many I've realised, I've just lost contact.
Well, this morning I'm very tired. Last night I went to Blest at Inglewhite church. Fantastic night, I've been meaning to go for ages, however given various circumstances it never happened until now. It's sort of like an informal youth service, in fact it reminds me most of the meetings at wec camp. Silly light sabre games, star wars excerpts, speed passage finding (I've really lost the knack, I used to be so good at that) and contemporary worship. Of course there was tea and biscuits afterwoulds which always puts a positive spin on things for me, not that it wasn't positive prior to tea and biscuits, it just completed it perfectly.
Then afterwoulds I ended up being invited to an after party (church things have after parties? I'm so out of touch) along with Rob (yes he's my baby brother!) No one seemed to believe we were related, or that I was his big sister (I'll probably have to stick with older though as I'm not bigger, damn my short stature). The after party was held in Pip's shed, about 12x12 ft probably with a kareoke machine and lights. Far too many people to cram in such a small space, it was fun nevertheless. So I've met loads of fantastic new people and some old friends who've I've not seen in donkey's years! Great time.
I've not been in a big fun social situation for a long time, it's a rareity for me, though I feel I need to get out and about more and enjoy life and making new friends as I've missed out on a few good years worth. Time to catch up and regain my youth.
I'm still incredibly tired, didn't get home till 3am last night, or rather, this morning. Then at qaurter to 7 Gobi started barking as usual so I had to get up and let him out. Quarter to 7 is when the day starts for Gobi, everyone has to get up and start enjoying the day. Which is great, he's a very efficient alarm clock. However on less than 4 hours sleep it isn't appreciated.
I procedded to go staright back to bed after sorting Gobi out. So Gobi was left to wander the house and much to his delight find a pile of my clothes to roll on and sleep on whilst waiting for someone to come back to the land of the living. Now my clothes are covered in short blonde hairs. What fun. I love that dog so much.
Right, well I probably have things to do, so I'll leave this here, I won't bore you further with my thoughts.
Have a great bank holiday, hopefully you're not driving as I imagine that won't be too much fun!
Well apparently quite a few people seem to have read my last post (I thought no one actually read blogs, or only very rarely). All positive feedback it would seem. It's just nice to know people care, whether it be a friend I see everyweek or haven't spoken to in several years. I love my friends, such wondeful people, and so many I've realised, I've just lost contact.
Well, this morning I'm very tired. Last night I went to Blest at Inglewhite church. Fantastic night, I've been meaning to go for ages, however given various circumstances it never happened until now. It's sort of like an informal youth service, in fact it reminds me most of the meetings at wec camp. Silly light sabre games, star wars excerpts, speed passage finding (I've really lost the knack, I used to be so good at that) and contemporary worship. Of course there was tea and biscuits afterwoulds which always puts a positive spin on things for me, not that it wasn't positive prior to tea and biscuits, it just completed it perfectly.
Then afterwoulds I ended up being invited to an after party (church things have after parties? I'm so out of touch) along with Rob (yes he's my baby brother!) No one seemed to believe we were related, or that I was his big sister (I'll probably have to stick with older though as I'm not bigger, damn my short stature). The after party was held in Pip's shed, about 12x12 ft probably with a kareoke machine and lights. Far too many people to cram in such a small space, it was fun nevertheless. So I've met loads of fantastic new people and some old friends who've I've not seen in donkey's years! Great time.
I've not been in a big fun social situation for a long time, it's a rareity for me, though I feel I need to get out and about more and enjoy life and making new friends as I've missed out on a few good years worth. Time to catch up and regain my youth.
I'm still incredibly tired, didn't get home till 3am last night, or rather, this morning. Then at qaurter to 7 Gobi started barking as usual so I had to get up and let him out. Quarter to 7 is when the day starts for Gobi, everyone has to get up and start enjoying the day. Which is great, he's a very efficient alarm clock. However on less than 4 hours sleep it isn't appreciated.
I procedded to go staright back to bed after sorting Gobi out. So Gobi was left to wander the house and much to his delight find a pile of my clothes to roll on and sleep on whilst waiting for someone to come back to the land of the living. Now my clothes are covered in short blonde hairs. What fun. I love that dog so much.
Right, well I probably have things to do, so I'll leave this here, I won't bore you further with my thoughts.
Have a great bank holiday, hopefully you're not driving as I imagine that won't be too much fun!
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