It's Funny How Things Come Around...

Well here I am again, sat in front of my laptop beginning another blog entry. It's been a while. I've looked back over all my old blogs and reminisced over what's happened in the past 4 years. It was this nearly time of year, 4 years ago that I went to New York, I sort of found myself whilst I was there, I came home, left my unfavourable fiancé, returned to my mother's house and returned to the church. I then spent about 6 months rebuilding a broken me and developing my faith in Jesus. The church provided a safe haven for me where I could spiritually grow.

Unfortunately I was still very conflicted inside, battling with mental health issues and trying to navigate new found friendships. At the same time I was having to deal with judgement based on my previous lifestyle, my beliefs in science, family issues, gay issues. Ultimately I felt under a huge pressure to be someone I wasn't. I felt like I was living a lie, like a hypocrite. So I left the church as my understanding of the world was too different. That also meant I abandoned my faith in Jesus, I could no longer sing praise, in fact I couldn't even listen to worship without feeling uncomfortable. I guess I wasn't ready for Christianity.

The problem was I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I changed the way I dressed, immersed myself in Christian music, attended 3 different churches on a regular basis, got involved as much as I could with youth work, worship etc. But it wasn't me. I felt so broken I didn't know who I was so I adopted this persona that I really wasn't comfortable with.

So when I started socialising again with non Christians I found I didn't have to be this perfect Christian and I slowly rediscovered who I was. I like heavy metal and dressing slightly odd, I'm not a modest dresser, I like to flaunt what I've got, I've got a good figure so why not show it off in well fitting clothes. I was having fun again and I didn't feel under pressure. So this reinforced my leaving the church.

Well anyway, here we are 4 years later and I'm going to return to church. This time I think I'm ready. I'm not lost and broken and essentially on the rebound as it were. I'm happy, I know who I am, I'm in a good place in life, but there's something missing.

Several times over the past 4 years I've experienced callings back to church, yet never acted on them, it's always been too scary to face. This time I'm taking the challenge. I don't know exactly what prompted me to seek out a church. Perhaps it was attending my Mum's church on mother's day, it brought back memories of those 6 months where I was heavily involved and I missed it. I missed feeling close to God. I felt tears rolling down my face during the worship, I didn't sing as I felt I couldn't as a non believer, but somehow it got to me.

The following weekend I went down to London riding pillion on Sephi's bike. It was a boring ride consisting of mostly motorway lasting several hours. So what did I do? I thought, I pondered and I talked to God. It's been a long time since we've spoken, and I didn't really get any answers. But I carried on talking to him and I decided to investigate some local churches, asking them on their views on homosexuality.

I found an article by the Guardian about one local church who was affiliated with a church in New York who believed that homosexuality was a disease to be cured, which I found very offensive. That particular local church never got back to me on it's views on homosexuality, so I knocked it off my list of churches to try. The other two churches I emailed however both got back to me very quickly with an offer of coffee.

So I went and had coffee with the elders from both churches and I got the answers I was looking for, thanks God. Both seem to be very welcoming and non judgemental churches, they obviously weren't pro homosexuality, but differentiated between orientation and action and viewed the action as equal with any other sin which I'm happy with.

So I'm going to go to one church this Sunday and the other the following Sunday and see what I think. Then I might try Alpha and see if I can join a house group. These are the two churches:

Jubilee Church Liverpool and Christ Church Liverpool.

In the meantime I've still been talking to God, reading the Bible, praying and rediscovering my relationship with Jesus. It turns out I still do have the capacity to believe in Him. However Ill keep my stance that religion is like penguins talking about nuclear physics. It's all beyond our comprehension. But faith is different, it's separate from religion. I have faith and I believe in Jesus. However I will be taking the Bible with a pinch of Salt. God's word? I believe it's man's interpretation of God's word so it is fallible. There seems to me to be a lot of personal opinion in the Bible ie Paul, it's useful to study I don't think it should be taken the absolute word of God, more inspired by the word of God.

Plus I do have an issue with homosexuality. If God made man with no mistakes why would he create an orientation where someone can enjoy the gift of sex? Especially when the male body was created with a prostate that when stimulated via the anus produces orgasm. Looking around at the animal kingdom there is evidence of homosexuality, so why would it not be natural in humans too? I guess this is something I have to disagree with the Bible. I've asked God on the matter, we'll see what he has to say.

As for my current situation and how that fits in with God, I'm not sure. I am currently living with my boyfriend Sephi and in a sexual relationship. Some say this is incompatible with a relationship with Jesus. Perhaps I should leave him and find a nice Christian boyfriend? NO! I couldn't imagine that, I'm in love, I'm not leaving. Plus the damage that would cause is huge. Jesus is not in the business of breaking up families. We may not be married yet, but we are family. Should I put a stop to the sex? Perhaps, but I think that would cause too much friction and hurt, not to mention I'll drive myself batty. I know from experience that a sexually frustrated Belle is not a nice Belle. So what do I do? Get married? Well this is what we're working towards, a proposal is hopefully on the cards. However we can't get married yet as I'll lose my NHS Bursary, so we have to wait until I'm qualified. So until then we'll carry on as we are as I've yet to come under any strong conviction to do otherwise. I need to take my walk with Jesus one step at a time and hopefully by the time Jesus asks this issue to be tackled there will be wedding bells anyway.

So I'm going to come just as I am to Jesus, I'm not going to try and change anything and be something I'm not. If God has a plan for me then I'll embrace it, but I won't try and pre empt it this time.

How Things Change and The Man Who Buys Me Flowers

Not updated this in a while. Ah well, as would seem to be the trend for 2008 my life has gone through a lot of changes. Namely rediscovering Jesus, then rediscovering why I left the church in the first place. A big spiritual battlefield I can tell you that. Yes, the idea of the Christian faith is lovely, and part of me really wants to believe it, yet it all seems far too convenient and personal experience doesn't fit with various theologies.
Why you may ask? Some may speculate my friendship with non believers. But truth be told they've had little bearing on my personal view of faith and religion. The main thing ironically was a Bible conference. That was when the doubts set it, and also the concern at how such uniform belief systems affect people. Granted there are a huge positive aspects to it, mainly the community, good feeling and upstanding morality. However religion as a whole seems to me to have sinister undertones to it and I've decided I no longer want a part in it.
I still have my faith in God, the infallible creator of the universe, however, the rest of Christian beliefs aren't so in tune with mine. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't a clue. A scary thought admittedly, but we're only human after all, we can't even begin to contemplate the great unknown and majestic power of the creator of existence. I guess I've become one of the dreaded Agnostics.... I have a faith, it just doesn't fit into a nice little religious box, far too ambiguous. Feel free to disagree, though I'm still finding myself, in spiritual terms I am very much lost, but don't try and save me or convert me, this is something that'll take time and is between me and my creator.

That was long overdue.

In other news, moving on from the eternal to the current and hopefully future. I have found myself the most wonderful man to keep me company. It all came about by accident.
After realising leading an abstinent life was needlessly stressful and turned me into a manipulative cold hearted bitch inclined to use and abuse people, I decided to find myself a friend with benefits. (Apologies to those I've hurt in the process.) I've never been one for one night stands, but a casual affair, still monogamous, but with no messy feelings involved seemed right up my street. This was after much consultation with various friends, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Agnostic and Atheist, they all agreed this was the best solution.
Literally less than a week previous to this I had clocked eyes on a man I found attractive, only a fleeting glance, but still, this is a rarity for me, finding a man attractive, very attractive at that. He was tall, long dark hair, bearded and weilding a camera. Though, this is where my new found girly emotions take over, and of course I was unable to pursue him for feeling weak at the knees everytime I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
However, it seems I wasn't alone in my interest, and lo and behold on the wonders of facebook a photograph of myself cropped up, taken by the tall skulky photographer I'd taken a fancy to. He'd noticed me, thanks to a shared fetish for corsetry. Much to my delight he also initaited conversation via the medium of instant messaging. "So what?" you say. A man who I found physically very attractive, and possibly sexually attractive too (I mainly go on smell, not aesthetics as such) also found me mutually attractive. So, it wasn't long before I found myself a fuck buddy. Cue a far happier, relaxed and serene Izzy.

You don't need to know details, however our arrangement lasted a meagre 2 weeks or so before it all fell apart. Little "Miss I don't want a relationship" managed to plant her car in hedge and on top of a give way sign. Well done me. This rendered me short of transport as I'd mangled the front half of my car, and in a spectacular amount of pain. Dosed up to the eyeballs on valium and codiene I was restricted to my bed and not moving much due to confusion, sleepiness and pain. I didn't get whiplash, just severe muscle trauma, my poor legs and arms.
So my weekend trip was cancelled and I still missed my regular weekends plans. Though my crippled status provided a handy opportunity for a certain friend to come visit me and keep me company, with lashings of chocolate to sweeten the deal. Please note, this isn't a euphemism.

Though two friends, used to enjoying each others company in strictly platonic and physical ways, now realised in the absence of physical activities, there weren't just platonic feelings. Perhaps a need to feel looked after and cared for on my part seemed to make something flip. I can't say for him, however the dynamic of our relationship changed that day. Several hours of pigging out on chocolate, chatting, cuddling and laughing seemed to change our attitudes and affections set in. Oh shit, I didn't want this to happen.

Before I go on, I have a thing about kissing. So any casual encounter of mine, there was to be no kissing. Kissing confuses things, personally I find it far more intimate than sex. So, friends with benefits comes with a strict no kissing rule. I have no desire to kiss people unless I'm romantically involved, I've obliged in previous situations as a means to easily manipulate, but it never sits too comfortably with me.
However this particular Sunday, I found a disgusting heartfelt urge to kiss him. I didn't, and I didn't even voice my desires, after all I didn't want any emotional commitment or mess. Though I was later told I wasn't the only way to feel like that, so I eventually fessed up. Surprise surprise, about half a week later I ended up in a passionate embrace and finally gave in to kissing him, throwing my convictions out of the window. It was official, we were no longer fuck buddies, but stuck on the path to smug coupledom. Despite my reservations at the time, it was a wonderful decision.

The rest is history. I'm deliriously happy, and somewhat overwhelmed by the fact I'm involved with a man who I not only swoon at the sight of, but amazingly enough treats me like a princess, respects me, shares my interests, is kind, caring, intelligent and can actually match my libido. I've found someone who I'm sexually compatible with, yet I've also found a best friend. And despite our beginnings being based on sex, a 7 week stint of biologically impossed abstinence (neither of us are exactly in the mood when the decorators are in), our relationship has only grown a lot stronger. So at least that settles any fears that we wouldn't work without the sex. Hey, we can still play fight in the middle of sommerfield whilst under threat of being chucked out for horsing about. 21 and 23..... we certainly don't act it at times!


Plus, on a weird note, I can't find anything wrong with him.
You know, when you first meet someone, there's always some flaw or other you can find. Perhaps they have a funny nose, a habit of farting in bed, a penchant for calling you nasty names, they transform into an asshole after several pints, gel their hair into stupid styles. Eventually you can overlook it, but it's always there, niggling away at the back of your mind. Well this time, nothing. Strange. Even the ridiculous cockney accent he adopts to wind me up I find endearing.

I'm very much aware I'm in the first throes of romance, overwhelmed by rushes of emotion. I miss him terribly when we're apart, and we get on like a house on fire when we're together, it's only been less than 3 months. Who knows, perhaps time will alter my feelings, and I'll realise I was blinded by infatuation. But given our blunt and honest beginnings, cards laid bare on the table, perhaps there is a future in this. I very much hope so. In the mean time, I'm very much smitten with my 6'2 scouser and computer geek. ^____^


What a sickly post; I really am a girl. I could talk about my frustrating body and the 7 weeks of menstrual hell and general malaise. But instead I'm going to sit back and smile to myself, and enjoy the sensation of falling............

Attraction... funny thing isn't it?

Well, here I am again. Looked like I'd forgotten my beloved blog. Alas, I have not, yet another night plagued by insomnia and here I find myself. Typing drivel.

Been, thinking recently about attraction, orientation and what not. I've been challenged about it all of late, by my own ponderings and other people's questions. Mainly because I find myself attracted to women and not to men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lesbian. However I don't find men physically attractive. Yes I eventually want a husband and a family, but any attraction will grow out of initial friendship most likely as quite literally, I only find a handful of men physically attractive. This means that when I look at them I think "wowzer, he's gorgeous" and begin to swoon! Any other attraction I have to men is their response to me. I'm a sucker for attention, particularly that of a sexual nature. My libido takes over, and any attraction I feel is based on feelings of lust and wanting to ease sexual frustration. There aren't any real feelings behind it all, just a means to an end, sexual satisfaction. But that will only be temporary and no doubt I'll get bored and move onto something else. So I'm currently doing my very best to stay clear of any such encounters and reject my cravings.

I have the same reaction to women, however I do find them physically attractive and do have the sense of wanting more than to satisfy the demands of the id. I want to be with them, on a deeper level, a relationship, not just sex. As a result, I meet a woman I like, I find it hard to develop a friendship with them without also developing feelings of a romantic nature for them. It gets somewhat complicated when you're trying to be a friend and talk boy stuff yet at the same time you feel torn apart that they have a boyfriend, or go out looking for men. Yet the friendship is far too precious to risk by telling them how you feel, besides chances are she won't bat for both teams anyway. Fortunately I seem to able to get over crushes fairly quickly. There will always be that niggling longing feeling, but I can generally quash it and ignore it and just be friends.

Then there's the whole God issue. Obviously gay relationships are frowned upon by the church. God doesn't appear to object to the orientation, but the sex, He does object to. And where does that begin? Is it possible to have a celibate relationship? Personally I doubt I could manage it, also where does a sexual relationship start? Sex, mutual masterbation, heavy petting, kissing? Some even say hugging and holding hands. But that's a bit extreme in my opinion. Of course it's the same issue in a hetrosexual relationship, yet fornication is pretty much acceptable now. Even the church seems to turn a blind eye to those with the attitude of everything but intercourse. Though I can guarantee if I'm seen kissing a woman, I'll get stick for it, yet kissing a bloke no one would bat an eyelid at.

My strategy at the moment of course is to remain single. No issue of orientation or attraction then, and it's far easier staying celibate. Definitely no questions over where to draw various lines. Besides the prospect of a relationship sends me running for the hills at the moment. But what happens when I feel ready for a relationship? Some say this is a phase, I'm young and confused, I'll grow out of it. I was bullied back in primary school for this though, so it's hardly a new phenomenom for me, not exactly a short lived phase really.

I don't even know what I'm getting at here. Ah well. I need sleep.

Guess Who Can't Sleep?

I'm afraid to say though, there are no prizes for correct guesses.

I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.

Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?

(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)

Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.

Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.

But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.

I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.

Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!

Recurring Dreams

It was probably 6 months ago or so when I first had this dream. Unlike any other dream, it didn't feel like a normal dream where you're experiencing it, but rather I was shown it. Like a film. Plus it's always very short, probably only lasting less than a minute. Just a glimpse.

Basically the dream goes as follows;
It's always me, looking somewhat older, but still young, so perhaps mid twenties, it's hard to tell. And I'm stood with a different family. I still have my own, yet there is another I've become a part of. This family lives in a nice big house, somewhere rural, everything very tasteful and high quality, lots of books too. This family obviously is middle class and well educated. What's happening usually varies from having a BBQ in the garden to singing round a piano or just having a conversation over dinner. I'm married or engaged to be married to the eldest son in the family, tall, dark and handsome (what a cliché), intelligent with a good job and very romantic. And everyone's happy, I'm happy. Sometimes the scene is when I'm even older, my thirties and there are also 4 children, my children.
There is no sound to any of this, no dialogue, except one voice, not spoken from any of the characters as such, but from somewhere else to accompany the scene. Always saying the same words; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Of course I now realise this to be from scripture, Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Though my dream didn't contain any reference as to whom said it, as though it were coming directly from God, who of course shouldn't need an introduction.

At the time this was such a weird dream as it certainly didn't resemble any life I had or could have, the man I was going to marry didn't feature. Plus I wasn't happy and seeing myself happy was a somewhat alien concept to me. That and I'd almost completely forgotten about God at this stage, resigned myself to a life without Him. To the point where I didn't recognise the dialogue as scripture. I dismissed this dream as just a dream, impossible, never going to happen, just my psyche fantasising. It would never come true, after all it sounds to me to be perfect.

But this dream keeps coming back, in my sleep and when I day dream. Pestering me. It was not long before I went to New York when I thought perhaps this dream had some truth. Perhaps I was destined for better than what I currently had. So I met New York with great anticipation, hoping to meet the man of my dreams who'd take me away from it all, rescue me. I didn't meet him. However New York was the catalyst for a series of events leading me back to the Lord and of course gave me the clarity I needed to see my relationship for what it was, a shambles and to get out of it.

So that was brilliant, perhaps the dream served it's purpose, altering my mindset and opening my eyes to the possibilities of a different life. But it still keeps coming back. I'm starting to get excited, what if it does become a reality, surely I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. Maybe this is some sort of plan God has for me. That would be wow. But I won't get too excited, after all, only God knows what He has planned for my life, and this may not be it, it would be nice. I'll just have to see what life brings. I definitely can't pursue this as such given the dream seems very small, too small to make out facial features, so I haven't a clue as to who this dream man is or what he even looks like. Ah well.

So yeh, just something on my mind of late. But I'll enjoy being single for the time being. God has made it very clear I need to be single at the moment, but hopefully not forever. Who knows maybe I will get my doctor (or science orientated, intelligent, well read and high earning) that looks like a cross between Hugh Laurie, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman!

My Rescuer

I've been told by quite a few people I have a gift for writing, but tonight, or rather this morning, I won't be using my literary skills, instead I'll leave you with some inspiration. The sort of stuff that makes me cry, but in a good way.
This was taken from Bible Basics; a wonderful blog full of encouragement.

Why God is My Hero






A fitting song of Praise, one of my favourites;

Came to My Rescue - Hillsong

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humble I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are


In my life
Be lifted high
In our world
Be lifted high
In our love
Be lifted high


I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are

I have a busy weekend ahead. Large bowling party at work tomorrow. Then in the evening it's the Hope 08 concert. Sunday morning I have to be up early for the youth wroship group rehearsal, we're leading worship during the morning service. I'm absolutely terrified. Then throughout the day is the rehearsal and setting up for Blest. The evening service at 7 and then then the Blest service after that, who knows what else!

My plan is when I get some free time to learn the 6 songs planned for Sunday morning so that I can close my eyes and pretend I'm not stood at the front of church when I'm singing. Just me and God, and hopefully things should work out. I'm so nervous and my throat completely closes up so I can't sing very well or even remember what I'm supposed to be singing. Worship is such a big thing for me, but I don't think I'm ready, I'm not spiritually strong enough to be part of a worship group leading a large congregation. But if God intends me to go this route I'll somehow overcome my fear and do it. At least I'm not leading worship and there are plenty of other vocalists to drown me out. Normally I wouldn't happy with the arrangement of the band, but for a first time hopefully it'll give me a bit of confidence.

God, I'm going to need all the help you can give me on Sunday. Let me glorify your name without conscience or hindrance, and be a shining light for your love, encouraging others in their praise. Keep all the band focused and free from nerves and inhibition, so they can be a strong lead in praising your name. Just remind us all that worship is all about you, not a performance, and we should sing, play and dance with our hearts set on fire with a passion for your name, your glorious works and unfailing love. Amen.

I need to get some sleep now. Good Night

A Matter of Blood

Well my world seemed to crumble yesterday. The one thing I was really looking forward to for the past 4 months and knew I was good at, it made a difference and people really appreciated it, was taken away from me. I can no longer give blood.

You may be thinking "What's the problem?" The thing is giving blood was one of the few things that really made me feel good about myself for once. In the midst of a difficult relationship and really struggling to cope with myself and the world, the gratitude I received from all the blood donation lot was a real pick me up. They were all so appreciative, I could forget all my problems, talk to nice friendly people and at the same time I was doing some good with my life; I felt I was useful and had a purpose. One sincere message of hope when usually everyday I was repeatedly made to feel worthless.
Especially given that I have O Rhesus Negative blood which is probably one of the most valuable types, if not the most valuable as it can be given to absolutely anyone regardless of blood group and there are only 7% of us in the population.

That and being an ex self harmer I know only too well the therapeutic and physical values of "letting blood". In a way I was a bit like a drug addict; desperate for my next fix, desperate for the release the sense of calm I get when the blood leaves my veins. Almost every single day I struggle with not causing myself physical harm or pain of some sort. Fortunately I seem to be managing it, but every 16 weeks I thought I could help get rid of all that tension, let go of some blood. Now I no longer have that available to me, I'm going spare.

Add that on top of everything else that's going on and you may start to grasp why I'm not coping too well at the moment; hence any lack of usual smiles and a generally self loathing, miserable and negative attitude I seem to be currently displaying at my own dismay.

Everything has changed so much and in such a short space of time, the reality of what's happened has only just hit me really; a delayed reaction I guess. So an abundance of unpleasant flashbacks, struggling to come to terms with my life so far, trying to get my head round stuff, and the horrible guilt of feeling bad when I have such a blessed and privileged life compared to so many people around the world who have gone through far worse than me, but don't have the solace of a loving family, a warm house and all the material comforts we take for granted.

Also I'm trying to deal with everyday life as well; all the stuff I'm doing with church, my work, my degree, trying to pick up 2 instruments again, training my voice, getting back to exercising and looking after myself (I do not have an eating disorder as some may speculate), desperately trying to make friends and trying to figure out relationships; making sure I don't jump in to far and ruin everything. I've been out of the social loop for a while now, and I'm not quite sure how to go about making friends; what's acceptable and what's not, how to behave and act; what to tell them, what not to tell them etc. It's all a bit daunting and I'm painfully aware I don't have any really close friends I can talk to as I don't really know any of my current friends well enough so far. I don't want to scare them off.

Then there's all the chaos I live in; comparative to a lot of people's situations it's only minor, yet still stressful. Me moving back home with 2 years of possessions and a flat's worth of furniture to find homes for. Not having a bedroom or a real bed. I sleep on a rather uncomfortable chair bed in the playroom so I definitely don't get any personal space or privacy. I live in constant fear of a small child picking up a discarded bra or pair of knickers and flaunting it for everyone to see at my expense. That and I can never find somewhere quiet to relax as there are usually 4 plus boys dominating every room, particularly my make shift bedroom as it contains the piano and Xbox.
Chuck in a burst water pipe too meaning we've had to have the wall's rebuilt and decorated and the floor ripped up and replaced.

So not coping too well; particularly these past few days. I'm doing better than I have done in the past, I'm still managing to put on a brave face and present some sort of cheery smile. But I think the sleep deprivation is starting to show. I'm having so many flashbacks of rather nasty experiences that make me feel sick to the stomach and really quite weak and light headed. I struggle to get any rest given the poor comfort levels, fear and general ill feeling I have, and when I do drift off I constantly wake up. It's wonder how I manage to function during the day at all!

So this is my quiet time, my "me time". The early hours of the morning, sat hunched up over my laptop or poring over one of my many books trying to get my puffy eyes to focus on the text. My time to unwind; let it out with a good cry. My time to talk to God. My oh so wonderful God. I'm sure if it wasn't for him I'd be nursing some self inflicted wound by now. I don't know how, but He gives me the strength to resist such temptation and I am so unbelievably thankful.

Well hopefully in six months or so I may be able to give blood again; they said they'll review my situation then. It all depends on the state of my migraines. Ironically back in February when I was having 2 to 3 migraines a week, with no means of subduing them, they had no qualms about taking my blood. Now I only have 2 to 3 a month and have medication which knocks them on the head within 20 minutes, they won't take my blood to protect my well being. Bizarre!

What a post of woe. I feel better for getting it all off my chest though. Now I just have that terrible sense of guilt as I really have no reason to feel depressed. My problems may be more troubling than a lot of my peers, but they're still minute in the grand scheme of things. I've been through a lot worse times, I'm currently at what should be a very happy time of my life; happiest in over 5 years. I guess it's all the mental processes that are getting me down, coming to terms with what's happened; what I've come away from.

I'm going to do my best to stay positive, I may be feeling very negative about various things at the moment, but even at my low points God's love shines through the people around me comforting me and reminding me how blessed I am. Whether it be through a simple smile, a piece of scripture or page from a book someone's given me, or an encouraging email. I can always rely on God sending someone or something to come through for me, maybe not instantly, but eventually. I can only hope God can work through me in the same way for other people.

Today's snippet of helpful scripture; Philippians 2:12-13

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

I have one of my Vista gadgets to thank for that, the wonders of technology eh?

The Gift of Worship

Worship, worshipping God, through song, dance and music. One of my favourite ways to communicate with God. It's very rare to find me driving without some sort of worship CD on singing along, or even just singing on my own, driving, walking through town, doing the housework (okay more worship than housework). So being asked to sing with members of the church is fantastic. I was extremely apprehensive, but I went along on Wednesday afternoon to sing with Mark and Tracey, intimate and informal. Yes I was terrified, singing in public isn't my forte, I feel very exposed and vulnerable to criticism. But I reminded myself, this wasn't about my singing ability, it was glorifying God with my voice. Whether it be tuneful, well projected and in key is irrelevant, any voice in worship is still a beautiful sound to God.

However the rumours would seem to have some truth, and my vocal tutor isn't praising my talents for cash flow purposes (at least I hope not). I can apparently sing, and when I want to, and when I let myself, I do have a pretty powerful voice. So consequently I've been asked to join the youth worship band (I can get away with it at 20). But not only to sing with them but to lead them it would seem. Something along the lines of "They need a strong singer to lead the vocals". Truth be told I've never really heard them, and I guess I always assumed any acoustic problems were to do with the lack of sound checking and decent microphone technique as that's the problem the main worship group have, not poor vocals. Also I never thought I'd be asked to participate for my lack of talent and the fact I'm too old for the youth worship (they're all 14 to 17). But neither seem to be an issue. So hopefully I can use this apparent gift I have and put it to good work. I just have rather a lot of self esteem and confidence hurdles to get over. But with God's help I will be able to. If it weren't for the fact I sing in worship I don't think I could ever sing in public, especially not a solo. But Wednesday proved that I can hold a tune by myself whilst singing into a microphone, my voice magnified to fill the whole sanctuary. Scary stuff.

Anyway enough about me. The reason I'm blogging about worship is because I feel there are a lot of problems with worship in the church. I'm talking about church as a whole, not a particular congregation, community or building or denomination. I find there are 4 types of worship;
-Performed worship
-Contrived worship
-Assisted worship
-Leaded worship


Performed worship
I find this a lot at youth events. It's a band on centre stage, all exceptionally talented, and one or a couple of fantastic vocalists. They play more like they're performing to an audience; the congregation. And like with any rock concert or pop gig they're encouraged to join in, but the focus is on the band and singers. Often there are lots of special stage effects, lighting, smoke machines, multiple instruments which the musicians rotate through, particularly electric guitars. There are long complex instrumental parts, not for personal reflection as such but more a showcase of musical ability, cue a drum or guitar solo. And the singer or singers will add in a multitude of harmonies.
Don't misunderstand me, there's nothing wrong with all this, it's brilliant people can use their gifts in such a way to glorify God. But as for leading worship, I find this method somewhat alienating. How can the congregation lift their voices to the Lord if they're not quite sure of the song as it's hard to distinguish the melody from the harmonies, or even hear their own voices for the intense volume of the music. The order of the verses and choruses has been changed yet no one is giving any sort of cue as to what line comes next, we're not all musical virtuosos or mind readers so we need the worship leaders to give appropriate cues.

Contrived Worship
For some reason Americans spring to mind with this one. Very enthusiastic worship, where everyone is expected to join in. They are almost told when to clap, how to clap, raise their arms in praise, jump up and down etc. It's all very formulated and synchronised. It's great to see a whole congregation clapping in time and raising their arms. But it's not everyone's cup of tea, so seeing everyone in uniform praise is very unnatural as we are all individuals and have very different ways of communicating and worshipping God. Some people really aren't comfortable with it, and yes it's good to encourage active worship, using your whole self and not just your vocal chords and urge people out of their comfort zones, but making them feel obliged or even forced to do it is another thing entirely.
The same happens with prayer. Praying out loud is a very powerful form of worship and witness, and it's encouraging to see and hear others in prayer. But it takes a lot of confidence, and for some it's not how they talk to God as prayer is such a personal thing. So when you're put into small groups and everyone has to contribute to prayer time it becomes very stressful for those uncomfortable with the notion, and prayer should never be stressful, it should be a time of calm and peace. I struggle with praying out loud, it really makes me nervous especially as when it comes to your turn you feel foolish in front of your peers as you mumble something that means nothing to you or face the consequential questioning looks after prayer time if you didn't contribute. Why didn't you pray? Do you not care about ?
We shouldn't be told how to worship, how to pray, how to communicate with God. We shouldn't be made to conform to an idea of how praise should be.

Assisted worship
This is what I like to call meek and mild worship. Basically the band is made up of anyone who can play an instrument, they don't have regular rehearsals or private worship as a group so everything is somewhat unorganised. They turn up on the day and play the music. The singers are all backing singers and have no desire to take a lead, but stand holding their microphones near their chests, meekly singing along. They seem to provide the music for the congregation to sing along to, but the congregation have to do most of the work when it comes to producing any kind of volume and flesh. So if you have a song the congregation aren't familiar with everything falls apart as they have no strong lead to indicate how the music goes, no one to listen to to help pitch the right notes and know when the verse comes in.
Also given the fact everything is usually rather quiet, you don't get enthusiastic involvement from the congregation as they feel too exposed to sing full pelt. The heart is in the right place, but there's no passion.

Leaded worship
This is how worship should be. Not a band taking centre stage and performing, or a group of people just providing helpful music in the corner of the room, but a well put together group of musicians with the confidence to lead the whole of the church in worship, but still keep the focus on God above and not the amazing vocal talents of the singers. Not instructing them in how to worship, but still showing how the song goes, the rises and falls in the pitch of the music and when the verses begin and when the choruses start and end. The worship team are there to encourage and inspire worship. To show the way to communicate with God, offer Him glory and welcome people into His presence. It should be honest, heartfelt and humble.

So in remembering this, if I do ever go on to lead any kind of worship, I need to keep in mind it's not about my ability to sing or play an instrument, but my passion to praise God and in doing so encourage others to worship. And the same applies to anyone else, it's not how technically able they are, or how well they can manipulate their vocal chords, but their ability to inspire others to engage in worship. So less critical thoughts when the drummer fails to keep time or the singers are flat.

Hopefully I'll be able to use my voice one day to lead worship, I'd always pictured myself when I was younger as being able to sing beautifully and with great gusto and volume. Especially placed within the church helping to alight people's passion for Jesus. My mother was and still is a wonderful singer and I aspired to be like her. She'd sing so passionately even when others around her were somewhat reserved. As a result gradually those close to her would also raise their voices as that apprehension about being heard was lessened and they had someone to listen to and learn from as to how the song was supposed to sound. I thought my dreams would never amount to anything for my lack of singing ability. But perhaps there is still hope.



Sing like there's no one listening, dance like no one's watching, Praise the Lord with all your heart, strength and soul.
Every time I enter into worship I try to think like that, just me and God, no one else. We have no reason to sing, make music or to dance, we can survive without music and dance, our existence has no reliance upon them. They are glorious gifts from God and so we should use them to honour his name.



Finally some scriptural reference to the importance of worship in giving thanks to God, witnessing to others and strengthening our relationship with the Father.

John 4:23-24
But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

1 Chronicles 16:9
Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

1 Chronicles 16:23
Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.

2 Chronicles 5:13
The trumpeters and singers joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang: "He is good; his love endures forever." Then the temple of the LORD was filled with a cloud,

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 150
Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!

The One

I seem to be writing a lot about relationships recently.... hmmm, ah well, c'est la vie.

I don't know why I came across this, it's on a Jewish website, and I'm certainly not Jewish (or rather I'm an evolved Jew as I like to say). But it's a fairly wise piece of advice regarding life partners, your future wife or husband. If only I'd read this months, even years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of anguish. I've included the article at the bottom of this post (making it a rather hefty post!)

I guess marriage has been playing on my mind recently, whether it be from joking about getting married with my friend as a solution to sexual desires and sexual immorality. Debates about civil partnership and the pros and cons of gay marriage. Even looking back at my history. I was thumbing through my diary and came across my year planner, and there inscribed under October 2009 was the word "wedding".
It made me quite sad to see it, not because I'm upset I'm no longer getting married, but because I'd made no effort to highlight it. Birthday reminders were in big bold handwriting accompanied by balloons and stars and the like. But here was what is supposed to be the one of the happiest days of my life written in just normal handwriting, in fact if anything slightly sloppy, no attention paid to the event. Surely that should have set off alarm bells.
Even the simple, quick "yes" to the proposal, more like a business transaction than elation at being asked "the question". The numerous pub lunches eaten in silence as we'd run out of conversation topics, everything I'd bring up was quickly batted down as being uninteresting or not worth talking about. What happened to the passion in my life? Why did I settle for what I had, why did I plan to resign myself to that life?

Looking at my current situation, I'm filled with the joy of living. Yes I still struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety and the like. But for once I feel I'm alive, not just existing. Even my friendships are filled with ten times more passion than that I had with my fiancé. What a crying shame.
I'm just so glad I returned to the church and rediscovered my faith. All those years I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to have a relationship with God, but there was this huge big obstacle in my life I'd neglected to notice. Now it's gone, I feel fabulous and can really continue my walk with Jesus unhindered. I've rekindled old friendships and made many new friends. The support network I lacked has returned in abundance. Every time I go to church I meet wonderful people, and see old friends, young and old, all caring and loving. The church is such a fabulous community, full of love. Which is essentially what Christianity is all about. Love. Even if I never marry I know I will always have love, love to give to others and love to receive.

At least, throughout all my experience, the dark times I've gone through, I've learnt a lot of valuable lessons. On thing's for sure I'll be far more careful with future relationships. I want my future husband to be perfect for me, and I believe God will provide such a man. Of course he won't be a perfect person, but there will be no one better out there for me. I won't settle for second best again, or even what happens to be available as it's the easy and less scary option. I may have to take a tougher path, but it'll be worth it.

And just to quote lyrics from a favourite song of mine by Fairground Attraction to reinforce my plight.

I don't want half hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares.
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again.

It's got to be perfect
It's got to be worth it
yeah.
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's got to be
yeah
perfect.

Young hearts are foolish
they make such mistakes
They're much too eager to give their love away.
Well
I have been foolish too many times
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.

It's got to be perfect

Here's that article, taken from http://www.aish.com

About three years ago, a friend of mine met a woman. Two weeks later, when he told me that she was The One, I helpfully pointed out that it takes Amazon.com longer to ship me a book. I am happy to report that they are still (to be honest, nauseatingly) in love, married two years and completely without doubt that they stood under the chuppah alongside their soul mate.

Lucky them. For the rest of us, lurching toward the M-word is a little less clear. You reach a point in your vaunted relationship where it's either "do"(that whole nuptials thing) or "die"(bye-bye, relationship). And how are you supposed to know?

"I love him," (or her), we think. "But is this person the I want to be with for the rest of my life?"

You can think about this so much and so hard and so long that the bloom wears off the relationship and all of a sudden it's three years later and someone asks why it didn't work out with so-and-so and you don't really have an answer.

Even worse is getting caught up in the wonderment and bliss that new love offers -- that heady, intoxicating heaven-on-earth of fresh devotion -- and then discovering (when the catering contract is already signed) that she wants to buy a small cottage in Maine and you were expecting to raise a large family in Los Angeles.

Dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes is NOT communication.

Toward whichever end of the scale you fall, asking yourself some honest questions can reveal whether you have the groundwork necessary for a successful marriage.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Every relationship is helped by good communication, but a marriage will not survive without it. So you need to figure out if you and your beloved can talk and share openly. Can you express your feelings, needs and share when you're hurt? Does he/she listen to and understand you (or at least try)? Do you listen to your partner and feel comfortable that she/he is open with you?

More than feelings, you have to be able to discuss life issues. Solid communication is NOT dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes. Can you discuss your personal strengths and weaknesses, your vision of a family and how it works, your priorities, your attitude toward money, and how you want to structure your daily life?

What happens when you disagree? Can the two of you take a painful or difficult problem and work it through? Resolving issues involves discussion and solution, not merely a cessation of hostilities or a well-placed bribe. Sending flowers or offering a backrub is not called "working it through."

Be concerned if you find yourself continually quelling feelings of resentment or anger, or if you feel that your partner isn't open and honest with you. Be even more concerned if you find yourself avoiding serious discussions -- or if you hold back from expressing your true feelings, goals or opinions -- because you worry about what your partner might think or say.

You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self.

Marriage Lite does not work in the long-run. You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self to this person.

THE VISION THING

It's essential that he/she see that inner you. After all, marriage is about building a life together. Once you've communicated your feelings, hopes and dreams, you need to check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

The big and obvious questions are children (if, now or later, and how many), religious issues, and priorities such as balancing work and family. If you're looking for a wife who will stay home full-time with the kids, you'd better clear it with your partner-track lawyer girlfriend before you start shopping for diamonds. If you want a new car every two years, fancy vacations and designer clothes, be sure you're marrying someone who won't mind you doing 60- or 70-hour workweeks. If religion is important to you, don't marry someone who views spirituality as a bunch of bunk.

Check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

Disjunctions in those areas can doom a marriage before it begins.

Don't stop there, though. Your vision should include the smaller stuff, too. Within reason.

If you love entertaining, you may be frustrated with a wife who views her home as a sanctuary from other people. If you're a major saver, you may protest when your husband wants to charge the down payment on a house. If you love working out and hiking, you may have trouble adjusting to life with someone who views grocery shopping as an athletic activity.

SMALL DIFFERENCES

You both need to realize, though, that your spouse is not going to be like you in every way. No one will ever be, thank God. (And the idea of marrying your twin is anyway icky.) Being different from each other is not only normal, natural and healthy -- it's inevitable.

The question is whether the differences are things that will drive you apart, or magnetize you together.

It's also essential to recognize that the longer you've been single, the more set in your ways you become. So don't let small things come in the way of your long-term happiness. Accept that your partner will enjoy different activities, do things differently and have different opinions.

Issues pop up even with the most compatible couples. Friends of mine spent their first year of marriage in vicious battle over whether toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom. They eventually resolved this crisis, and are now quibbling over replacement of the toothpaste cap.

Still, remove as many land mines as you can beforehand. Love can conquer a lot, but it can't hold together a couple who are going in separate directions.

"Working it out" does not mean the two of you have to do it alone. If your not sure whether an issue is surmountable, consult a rabbi or trusted counselor.

THE FIRST STEP

If you have all the basics right, what you may need most is an attitude adjustment.

It was Shakespeare's comedies that conditioned us to view weddings as happy endings. But the Bard got it wrong -- your wedding should be a happy beginning.

A good foundation determines whether or not you approach the chuppah. But perhaps the most important thing to share is the understanding that the chuppah is only the start.

You lay a foundation before you begin building a house. Completing the building, in this case, will take a lifetime. If the foundation is there and you two are determined to make it work, you have a fighting chance of getting that happy ending -- long after the curtain falls.

Incidentally today's Bible verse on one of my facebook applications is;

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Christian boyfriends from now on then.

I believe it is now time for bed. Night all.

I've fallen in Love

Don't worry, not with a person, that'd be a bit quick! But with these shoes. Anyone care to buy them for me? Size 7.
I tried them on today, and I was smitten, however they only had a 6, which is too small, that and I really shouldn't be buying more shoes, I can't really afford it. think I've

But what happens when you do fall in love? How do you know? (I'm not talking about shoes this time!) In the past I think I've been in love, but looking back I'm not so sure. I certainly loved the person, but "in love" with them, I don't think so. Infatuated, deluded, obsessed, overwhelmed by the attention perhaps. But I'm not sure I've ever been in love. A scary thing considering I was going to get married not that long ago. But whenever the subject of Love is broached, Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13 always come to mind.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I think back to the relationships I had where I believed myself to possibly be in love, they doesn't come close to what love should be. People always remark how unaffected I seem to be by past break ups, but if I never was in love then I guess the guy never had my heart to break. Coming out of relationships the only thing I feel is regret for letting myself go too far, not ending it sooner, and resentment for the way I'd been treated. But asides from that, I find it fairly easy to move on. In fact I don't even think about my exes that much unless the topic arises in conversation. I even struggle to remember what they look like. The closest I've come to real love was probably with my first boyfriend, I still think fondly of him and I'll always remember him. Though I'd never want to rekindle anything. It was young love, sweet and relatively uncomplicated. It was never destined to go anywhere, but I appreciated it while it lasted.

I do hope one day I will fall in Love, and it won't be a folly of lust and infatuation clouding my judgement. But whether that will happen, only time can tell. I trust God has a man picked out for me, I really can't see myself going through life as single, I don't have the gift of celibacy, and I'm miles too broody to forgo having children. But even so, circumstances may change and I'll be happy with that kind of life. But I have a feeling I am destined for family life and motherhood. Maybe not in the immediate future, but one day.

I've even decided in what order I'd like to have kids. Not that I have any choice in the matter. But I'd like a girl, then a boy, then another boy and finally another girl. 4 in all, 2 of each. I must be mad wanting 4 children, but I don't think 2 is enough, and from my own experience in a family of 3 children, one often gets left out, so 4 seems to be the best solution. Enough that you have more than one sibling to go to, play with, annoy, learn from and hopefully as a result have a far richer childhood.
I certainly could never have just one child, only children always seem somewhat deprived of any real experience, such as the love/hate relationship between siblings. I know for certain I'd be lost without my brothers, we've had a lot of rough patches, but they mean the world to me, and no friend can ever come close to what I have with my siblings.

All this talk of children is making me broody. Ah well, yet another requirement for any future husband - prepared to have 4 children, more than most probably want. Though mind you, it's me who has to do all the childbearing! Let's just hope if things do go how I'd like, that I enjoy being pregnant!

Well I have a letter to finish writing, my last letter was 9 pages long, 6000 words, this I intend to be somewhat shorter as that was perhaps a tad bit excessive. Though the recipient was appreciative and enjoyed the letter, I doubt he'd enjoy having to read another one that length!

That and I bought 4 new books today from The Christian Book Centre, so I'd best get reading. I'm looking forward to reading them, plus the sooner I finish the sooner I can go back and buy more. Food for the soul, and I have a rather hungry soul!

Every Christian Woman's Battle...

... or at least I hope so, just seems it's not often talked about, making the battle invariably harder!

You can probably guess what this is going to be about, it's pretty much all I ever seem to write about.

Well, I'm currently sat in bed with my shiny new laptop. The joys of modern technology and wireless internet. This evening I went to see Sex and the City at the cinema, real good way to stir up all those emotions you want to suppress! Raging hormones aside, it got me thinking about relationships and what I want from future relationships. (Remember people, I'm not interested for a good while yet so no playing cupid!)

Anyway, what I really want from a relationship is a companion. I want a best friend, who at the same time I can't wait to rip his clothes off! Someone who still thinks I'm sexy in a big jumper with a runny nose and demanding soup be brought to my sick bed. Someone I can trust and confide in, yet still be silly and have a laugh with. I want a fabulous father for my children, someone who'll protect me and make me feel safe and secure. Someone who'll support me in my Christian faith and share my morals and values.

But how do you know when you've found this elusive bloke, "the one"? Even if I find someone who seemingly ticks all the boxes, how do I know how things will be once we marry and live together? In my experience things haven't gone too well, usually in the living with someone or sex department. But if you can't test these things out before marriage in a relationship that puts God first, then how do you know these will work out? It's a big risk, it takes a lot of faith I guess.
Of course I should fully trust in God to provide me with everything I want and need in a partner, perfectly compatible. But my faith at present isn't strong enough unfortunately, so I'm left with all these doubts, fears and worries.

So, my experiences so far? Well in all my relationships I've found we weren't sexually compatible, for the first few weeks, perhaps even months thongs were good, not fantastic but good, then it would all fizzle out and I'd be left frustrated as I found my male counterpart's libido tended to wane, whilst mine was still sky high. Perhaps a flaw in all men, or just the ones I've had so far. Anyway, it leaves me with a fear of ending up with a man who despite all my love for him cannot satisfy in the bedroom, either for long enough or frequently enough. And still manage to cope with a week a month off, perhaps more to cater for hormonal and emotional disturbances. Reading it back, sounds like I'm asking for the impossible.

As for living with someone. I have lived with one boyfriend who later became my fiancé. It really didn't work, constant arguments about housework and responsibility, financial matters and generally how we spent our free time. We never seemed to get any space or time apart from each other, yet never spent quality time with each other. Seems perhaps a paradox, but that was how we lived. That and our vastly different values, opinions and views didn't help matters, it was never destined to work. Though if I'd never moved in with him first then I'd never have found out about all his undesirable character traits and if I'd waited until marriage before living together I could have found myself in a far trickier situation to get out of.

One could argue that it was because I moved in and became physically intimate prematurely that's why things turned sour with previous relationships. What happened was a result of indulging in a sinful lifestyle. But it still leaves you wondering, especially given the number of women I know who's husbands completely changed after marriage in attitude and even personality. Or those women and men who indulge in affairs because of a poor marital sex life, where basically the couple are sexually incompatible, whether it be sexual desires or different libidos.

So there's the whole debate of to test or not to test. For example, you don't usually buy a pair of shoes without trying them on to see if they fit and are comfortable. (Though there is evidence to the contrary with my shoe buying habit!) So surely you'd apply similar logic to that of a life partner. Like test driving a car.
But our God given guidelines are there for a reason, I've fallen foul of that in the past and now understand the value of sex and how it shouldn't be abused outside marital boundaries. I guess it just takes a lot of faith to fully trust God to find you someone perfect, someone who you won't need to test drive first before committing. It's a blind bet that will hopefully pay off. Or rather, with God's assurance, will pay off.


Well it's certainly clear to me so far, my faith is still very shaky and needs a lot of work to strengthen it. My walk with Jesus is still in the early stages. It's been 14 years since I made a commitment, and although there have been set backs I will continue with Our walk and spiritually grow, just takes time, devotion and faith.


Now the one question my mind begs to ask; Where do you draw the line? But that's a whole different topic. Perhaps the subject of my next post, we'll have to wait and see, could be long however as it involves the bane of my life, temptation!

The subject of boyfriends

Don't you just love that term? Boyfriend. Brilliant! A friend who is a boy, yet it means so much more. Technically I have loads of boy friends, yet no "boyfriend", even when I've had them I still didn't use the term. I guess I always think of the young couple, girlfriend and boyfriend, she's 13, he's 14, holding hands in between lessons, or under the table at lunch. The odd cheeky kiss here and there, and the look on their faces when they think of each other, all those butterflies, amazing.
If only relationships were that simple.

I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.

So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.

I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.

I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.


So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.

Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.

Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.

Ponderings

I was going to make a post about how hard my dog's life is (a joke of course, he has a fabulous life, lazy thing). But I've realised there is so much more I need to do with my life, I can't spend my days drawing pretty pictures and pottering about safe little Lancashire. All my plans, my 3 aims in life: Happiness, Marriage, Children, all irrelevant. There is so much I can do with my life and want to do with it, in fact need to do with it.

I'm in an extremely fortunate and privileged position. I may not live in a mansion with no worries or problems, but I have a loving family, supportive community, a nice warm house with plenty of luxuries that we all take for granted, and of course I'm educated. I don't even have a real bed at the moment, yet I realise how extremely lucky I am when other people with even more fortunate lives spend their days complaining and moaning about this wonderful country we live in and how their life is so miserable and tough or stressful. Yes it may well be stressful, but there are so many people in the world who are worse off yet appreciate what little they have so much more.

I'm sick and tired of people whining about the NHS, saying they're useless and rubbish. Yes it could be improved, but at least we live in a welfare state and have free health care. You go to America, if you don't have health insurance and you have an injury or become ill and can't afford the bills, you're really screwed. Doesn't happen in England, pretty much anyone can get treatment. A 6 month waiting list is far better than no treatment at all. And of course in so many parts of the world, there is no option of treatment at all, there is no health insurance, you can't pay the hospital bills, in fact you can't even get to the hospital, you just have to put up with any injuries and illnesses and pray you survive.

I got so angry with a certain person in my life who insisted we were living just above the poverty line. I've never been anything close to impoverished and probably never will be. I've never seen absolute poverty with my own eyes, but the poverty I have seen in person in places like Kenya and Peru is still shocking. 4 families sharing a room about 10ft x 14ft, one fetid mattress, a table and a few broken chairs and a bunch of chickens running about. The children's entertainment involved picking the paint off the walls and using the flakes as betting tokens for hand games similar to rock paper scissor. I challenge the people who say England is "going to the dogs" to find someone living like that here.
I could go on forever about the things we all take for granted, myself included, but it won't achieve anything.


Now the big question is what do I do? Ever since I was little I've wanted to go on mission, whether it be abroad but somewhere relatively safe, say working from a Christian compound, in the middle of a war zone or somewhere where the church is persecuted, or even in the grotty estates of Manchester. Who knows what I'll do, all I know is there are so many people suffering out there and with God's help I can make a difference, only a very small difference admittedly, but at least it's something. I know I need to do something, life is short and I have to make the most of it.

I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of soul searching to do and getting right with God, getting to know Jesus again. It won't be easy, but I'm very much looking forward to it. I've been in a very dark place the past few years without Jesus by my side, but things are looking up again since I've put God back into the driving seat.

Back from the dark side!

Well, big upheaval and lots of change going on in my life. So why not start using this thing properly. Part of a fresh start I guess.

I've recently left the man I intended to marry, moved out of our apartment and back in with my mother. I've put God back into the driving seat and plan to enjoy life.
Let me explain more, as so many people are asking, and I've heard various things that aren't strictly true as people relay bits to others. So I'll need to put them straight, and this way my larynx will be somewhat relieved.

So, as the removal guy said "What went wrong?" Everything. My ex-fiance was a great guy, still is, however it was never destined to work I've realised. I was positive he was negative, it may work for magnets and batteries, but not people. It worked for a while, otherwise we wouldn't have got engaged, but there wasn't a future really, not a happy one anyway.
I know brides-to-be get cold feet, but my feet were so cold they'd gotten frost bite and fallen off. We had such different attitudes and personalities, we couldn't make each other happy given how much we clashed. I wanted to raise my kids in the church, and give them a happy silly childhood full of laughter, singing and ridiculous games. He wanted to be a strict disciplinarian and have his children call him "Sir", plus he didn't want to "brainwash them with religion". He definately wasn't the type to take his kids to the park to play rugby and frisby, and that's the sort of father I want for my children.
Also the language he used and names he called me I found particularly insulting and offensive. I know in many families such language and name calling is commonplace and perfectly acceptable, but I wasn't raised in that sort of environment. I was brought up believing those sort of words were vulgar and not be used and certainly not to be used to call someone by as they're derogatory in nature.
So it could never really work long term, better to end it now than continue trying to make it work and then filing for divorce later on. I'm sure he'll find someone else more suited to him and I wish him all the best in life as he's not a bad bloke.


As for God, well I used to have a very strong faith, and I've never lost it as many people seem to think. However my relationship with God had waned somewhat in recent years due to varying circumstances, poor choices, unhealthy relationships etc. I guess during those times I thought God had abandoned me. Well he does have 6 billion odd people in the world to deal with, and I didn't think my life was anything to worry about really.

But whilst in New York, away from my everyday life I had time to think and do some soul searching. A few casual remarks about our unusual good luck weatherwise and event wise in manhattan being down to God's angels made me think. Of course, God never abandoned me, rather I'd abandoned Him. It was never a conscious decision, but over the years I'd kicked Him out of the driving seat and into the passenger seat, then eventually somehow He ended up sat on the back seat and if I carried on the way I was going He'd end up in the boot!

So He was still always there, but I was leaving Him behind, no longer a companion, but a tag along you weren't too fussed about. Or movie wise, one of the characters you didn't know would make it to the end of the film as they weren't too significant, perhaps they'd be a victim of some monster or other. But what monster? I guess my sinful life and selfish desires. I was so hell-bent on settling down and having children, I pushed everything else off the agenda.

But it's time for change, time for redemption.
I'm going to try and rid my life of sin, I know it's an impossible task as humans are sinful creatures by nature, but we do have a choice over what we do. Speaking of which, I should really put that biscuit back in the pantry, or at least ask mum if I can have it first before eating it.
Though already my efforts seem to be paying off, I feel much happier now I'm back at home, no longer living in sin at that apartment. Fornication isn't all that great, it makes things very complicated. Get married first kids.

So, I think I'd better end this now, leave my musings for another time.
Just remember, God is always there, he never leaves you.