Attraction... funny thing isn't it?

Well, here I am again. Looked like I'd forgotten my beloved blog. Alas, I have not, yet another night plagued by insomnia and here I find myself. Typing drivel.

Been, thinking recently about attraction, orientation and what not. I've been challenged about it all of late, by my own ponderings and other people's questions. Mainly because I find myself attracted to women and not to men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lesbian. However I don't find men physically attractive. Yes I eventually want a husband and a family, but any attraction will grow out of initial friendship most likely as quite literally, I only find a handful of men physically attractive. This means that when I look at them I think "wowzer, he's gorgeous" and begin to swoon! Any other attraction I have to men is their response to me. I'm a sucker for attention, particularly that of a sexual nature. My libido takes over, and any attraction I feel is based on feelings of lust and wanting to ease sexual frustration. There aren't any real feelings behind it all, just a means to an end, sexual satisfaction. But that will only be temporary and no doubt I'll get bored and move onto something else. So I'm currently doing my very best to stay clear of any such encounters and reject my cravings.

I have the same reaction to women, however I do find them physically attractive and do have the sense of wanting more than to satisfy the demands of the id. I want to be with them, on a deeper level, a relationship, not just sex. As a result, I meet a woman I like, I find it hard to develop a friendship with them without also developing feelings of a romantic nature for them. It gets somewhat complicated when you're trying to be a friend and talk boy stuff yet at the same time you feel torn apart that they have a boyfriend, or go out looking for men. Yet the friendship is far too precious to risk by telling them how you feel, besides chances are she won't bat for both teams anyway. Fortunately I seem to able to get over crushes fairly quickly. There will always be that niggling longing feeling, but I can generally quash it and ignore it and just be friends.

Then there's the whole God issue. Obviously gay relationships are frowned upon by the church. God doesn't appear to object to the orientation, but the sex, He does object to. And where does that begin? Is it possible to have a celibate relationship? Personally I doubt I could manage it, also where does a sexual relationship start? Sex, mutual masterbation, heavy petting, kissing? Some even say hugging and holding hands. But that's a bit extreme in my opinion. Of course it's the same issue in a hetrosexual relationship, yet fornication is pretty much acceptable now. Even the church seems to turn a blind eye to those with the attitude of everything but intercourse. Though I can guarantee if I'm seen kissing a woman, I'll get stick for it, yet kissing a bloke no one would bat an eyelid at.

My strategy at the moment of course is to remain single. No issue of orientation or attraction then, and it's far easier staying celibate. Definitely no questions over where to draw various lines. Besides the prospect of a relationship sends me running for the hills at the moment. But what happens when I feel ready for a relationship? Some say this is a phase, I'm young and confused, I'll grow out of it. I was bullied back in primary school for this though, so it's hardly a new phenomenom for me, not exactly a short lived phase really.

I don't even know what I'm getting at here. Ah well. I need sleep.

puıɟ ı ƃuısnɯɐ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ ǝɹɐ sƃuıɥʇ ǝldɯıs

Such as upside down text.

Anyhoo, I think there is sufficient time between this post and the last, I was berated for blogging too much by my friend Chris, he was struggling to keep up. I was more astonished to find out he read them in the first place let alone tried to keep up to date.

Well, I'm currently enjoying my new found freedom in being single. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself really. I can do whatever I want, and wherever I go everyone is really nice and friendly. Such a huge change in my life when previously I'd be stuck in my flat feeling miserable because the only person I had to talk to would far rather spend all his time on computer games than interact with me.

Now I just feel fabulous, a million times happier and healthier. I imagine going running more often, eating my mum's cooking and generally eating less chocolate have something to do with that. I just have to be careful though as the weight is dropping off me like there's no tomorrow. I've probably lost about half a stone in the past month. My belt is on the tightest notch and already too loose! Crikey. In fact, just standing on the scales now, fully clothed and accesorised, apple pie in hand and full of food and drink and I'm under the 60kg mark. Jeepers. Won't be long before I'm into the 8 stone something region, not been anywhere close to that for years!
Hmmm, note to self, eat more or you'll have to buy smaller clothes.

However this means I can go further with my tightlacing; 21" so far, previously I could only manage 22". I may have to invest in some smaller corsets. Though really 20" is probably tight enough, after that it starts getting scary and I'm fairly sure my internal organs won't appreciate it. If I get back into training I'm sure I'll be down to 20" pretty soon, especially given as I no longer have a 27" waist to squeeze, it's back down to 25" now.

Ah well, enough corset talk, it either scares of confuses people. The Sex and The City Movie is out soon. Yay! I'm probably going sometime next week, possibly with Lynne, my boss. Can't wait. That and if I go to see it I can get a certain something from LoveHoney half price. Which is pretty cool. It'll help with the whole abstinence thing as I'm not finding it too easy at the moment. The phrase "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" certainly doesn't apply to sex. Because then you know what you're missing.
My head and heart says "No, too emotionally messy, stay clear of sex for a long while." My moral conscience says "Wait till you're married woman, repent of your old ways." and my body says "What are you playing at girly? It's been over 4 months, just go find someone to bonk and get it all out of your system!"
So, I'm just a little frustrated and trying to calm down a raging libido. Fun stuff.

At least I have the church to keep me busy and reinforce the whole "no sex until you're married" conviction. I really want to make a good go at this, not just for God, but for me. I've experienced first hand how fornication can mess you up, and I don't want to go through that all again. However, I'm a very sexual person, so it's not going to be easy. In Freudian terms I guess, my ego and superego are doing their very best to suppress a very powerful id. Or at least trying to compromise with a rampant rabbit, I wonder what the Bible says about such things?

Well, I'd best get ready for work, I think I have a message that needs a reply and I should generally shift my arse away from the computer.


One last thing, apparently I'm a good singer. I'm somewhat suprised to have been told this on many occasions since returning to church. I've always thought that I was somewhat abysmal when it came to singing. So if anyone reading this has heard me sing (not my stupid kareoke or mock singing that is) please let me know whether this is true.

The subject of boyfriends

Don't you just love that term? Boyfriend. Brilliant! A friend who is a boy, yet it means so much more. Technically I have loads of boy friends, yet no "boyfriend", even when I've had them I still didn't use the term. I guess I always think of the young couple, girlfriend and boyfriend, she's 13, he's 14, holding hands in between lessons, or under the table at lunch. The odd cheeky kiss here and there, and the look on their faces when they think of each other, all those butterflies, amazing.
If only relationships were that simple.

I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.

So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.

I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.

I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.


So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.

Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.

Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.