It's Funny How Things Come Around...

Well here I am again, sat in front of my laptop beginning another blog entry. It's been a while. I've looked back over all my old blogs and reminisced over what's happened in the past 4 years. It was this nearly time of year, 4 years ago that I went to New York, I sort of found myself whilst I was there, I came home, left my unfavourable fiancé, returned to my mother's house and returned to the church. I then spent about 6 months rebuilding a broken me and developing my faith in Jesus. The church provided a safe haven for me where I could spiritually grow.

Unfortunately I was still very conflicted inside, battling with mental health issues and trying to navigate new found friendships. At the same time I was having to deal with judgement based on my previous lifestyle, my beliefs in science, family issues, gay issues. Ultimately I felt under a huge pressure to be someone I wasn't. I felt like I was living a lie, like a hypocrite. So I left the church as my understanding of the world was too different. That also meant I abandoned my faith in Jesus, I could no longer sing praise, in fact I couldn't even listen to worship without feeling uncomfortable. I guess I wasn't ready for Christianity.

The problem was I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I changed the way I dressed, immersed myself in Christian music, attended 3 different churches on a regular basis, got involved as much as I could with youth work, worship etc. But it wasn't me. I felt so broken I didn't know who I was so I adopted this persona that I really wasn't comfortable with.

So when I started socialising again with non Christians I found I didn't have to be this perfect Christian and I slowly rediscovered who I was. I like heavy metal and dressing slightly odd, I'm not a modest dresser, I like to flaunt what I've got, I've got a good figure so why not show it off in well fitting clothes. I was having fun again and I didn't feel under pressure. So this reinforced my leaving the church.

Well anyway, here we are 4 years later and I'm going to return to church. This time I think I'm ready. I'm not lost and broken and essentially on the rebound as it were. I'm happy, I know who I am, I'm in a good place in life, but there's something missing.

Several times over the past 4 years I've experienced callings back to church, yet never acted on them, it's always been too scary to face. This time I'm taking the challenge. I don't know exactly what prompted me to seek out a church. Perhaps it was attending my Mum's church on mother's day, it brought back memories of those 6 months where I was heavily involved and I missed it. I missed feeling close to God. I felt tears rolling down my face during the worship, I didn't sing as I felt I couldn't as a non believer, but somehow it got to me.

The following weekend I went down to London riding pillion on Sephi's bike. It was a boring ride consisting of mostly motorway lasting several hours. So what did I do? I thought, I pondered and I talked to God. It's been a long time since we've spoken, and I didn't really get any answers. But I carried on talking to him and I decided to investigate some local churches, asking them on their views on homosexuality.

I found an article by the Guardian about one local church who was affiliated with a church in New York who believed that homosexuality was a disease to be cured, which I found very offensive. That particular local church never got back to me on it's views on homosexuality, so I knocked it off my list of churches to try. The other two churches I emailed however both got back to me very quickly with an offer of coffee.

So I went and had coffee with the elders from both churches and I got the answers I was looking for, thanks God. Both seem to be very welcoming and non judgemental churches, they obviously weren't pro homosexuality, but differentiated between orientation and action and viewed the action as equal with any other sin which I'm happy with.

So I'm going to go to one church this Sunday and the other the following Sunday and see what I think. Then I might try Alpha and see if I can join a house group. These are the two churches:

Jubilee Church Liverpool and Christ Church Liverpool.

In the meantime I've still been talking to God, reading the Bible, praying and rediscovering my relationship with Jesus. It turns out I still do have the capacity to believe in Him. However Ill keep my stance that religion is like penguins talking about nuclear physics. It's all beyond our comprehension. But faith is different, it's separate from religion. I have faith and I believe in Jesus. However I will be taking the Bible with a pinch of Salt. God's word? I believe it's man's interpretation of God's word so it is fallible. There seems to me to be a lot of personal opinion in the Bible ie Paul, it's useful to study I don't think it should be taken the absolute word of God, more inspired by the word of God.

Plus I do have an issue with homosexuality. If God made man with no mistakes why would he create an orientation where someone can enjoy the gift of sex? Especially when the male body was created with a prostate that when stimulated via the anus produces orgasm. Looking around at the animal kingdom there is evidence of homosexuality, so why would it not be natural in humans too? I guess this is something I have to disagree with the Bible. I've asked God on the matter, we'll see what he has to say.

As for my current situation and how that fits in with God, I'm not sure. I am currently living with my boyfriend Sephi and in a sexual relationship. Some say this is incompatible with a relationship with Jesus. Perhaps I should leave him and find a nice Christian boyfriend? NO! I couldn't imagine that, I'm in love, I'm not leaving. Plus the damage that would cause is huge. Jesus is not in the business of breaking up families. We may not be married yet, but we are family. Should I put a stop to the sex? Perhaps, but I think that would cause too much friction and hurt, not to mention I'll drive myself batty. I know from experience that a sexually frustrated Belle is not a nice Belle. So what do I do? Get married? Well this is what we're working towards, a proposal is hopefully on the cards. However we can't get married yet as I'll lose my NHS Bursary, so we have to wait until I'm qualified. So until then we'll carry on as we are as I've yet to come under any strong conviction to do otherwise. I need to take my walk with Jesus one step at a time and hopefully by the time Jesus asks this issue to be tackled there will be wedding bells anyway.

So I'm going to come just as I am to Jesus, I'm not going to try and change anything and be something I'm not. If God has a plan for me then I'll embrace it, but I won't try and pre empt it this time.

Three Fold Utopian Dream

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


Eeeee, I'm ridiculously happy at the moment. Probably the most attractive man I've ever laid eyes on likes me, in fact he loves me. I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Not only is he ridiculously handsome and sexy, and I practically melt upon seeing him. But he's kind, caring, funny, intelligent, talented, the most amazing man in my life, I wouldn't change a thing and wouldn't swap him for the world. And the best thing is, he's all mine! I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world. I miss him like crazy, it's not even been 24 hours. And I seem to spend my days without him walking around in a daze beaming with happiness, yet pining to be wrapped in his arms again.

I'm sickening, I'm disgusting, mushy icky yucky. But deliriously happy and blissfully content. I couldn't ask for more. Ok, I lie, I want to spend more time with him. :-) My heaven is waking up on a sunday morning in my bed, cuddled up with the man I love knowing we get to spend the whole day together. This is a happiness I didn't even think possible, not even in my dreams.

It's odd, but I'm so glad I crashed my car prompting the change in relationship dynamic. Crikey, it's only been 4 months (just about), he's probably the best thing that's happened to me. *beams*

Hmmmm.......

Finally the thing you've been dreading your whole life has found you, engulfed you, swallowed you whole. And who'd have thought, it's actually not as bad as you feared. In fact it's the best thing in the world, far surpassed any expectations and made you realise any previous encounters you thought you had with this thing weren't anything close. They left you underwhelmed and disillusioned, when in actual fact, the real thing is awesome in the true sense of the word.
Now, you're left with a very weird sensation, and a smug grin plastered on your face and dreamy eyes. The resultant pain from pining is worth it, as overall you're elated and ecstatic. Life isn't quite the same anymore, and most likely never will be again, however you're blissfully happy. You're the cat that got the cream, and it's even better than you dreamed.

Smug

Pinch me,
I'm dreaming.........









He's perfect.

Attraction... funny thing isn't it?

Well, here I am again. Looked like I'd forgotten my beloved blog. Alas, I have not, yet another night plagued by insomnia and here I find myself. Typing drivel.

Been, thinking recently about attraction, orientation and what not. I've been challenged about it all of late, by my own ponderings and other people's questions. Mainly because I find myself attracted to women and not to men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lesbian. However I don't find men physically attractive. Yes I eventually want a husband and a family, but any attraction will grow out of initial friendship most likely as quite literally, I only find a handful of men physically attractive. This means that when I look at them I think "wowzer, he's gorgeous" and begin to swoon! Any other attraction I have to men is their response to me. I'm a sucker for attention, particularly that of a sexual nature. My libido takes over, and any attraction I feel is based on feelings of lust and wanting to ease sexual frustration. There aren't any real feelings behind it all, just a means to an end, sexual satisfaction. But that will only be temporary and no doubt I'll get bored and move onto something else. So I'm currently doing my very best to stay clear of any such encounters and reject my cravings.

I have the same reaction to women, however I do find them physically attractive and do have the sense of wanting more than to satisfy the demands of the id. I want to be with them, on a deeper level, a relationship, not just sex. As a result, I meet a woman I like, I find it hard to develop a friendship with them without also developing feelings of a romantic nature for them. It gets somewhat complicated when you're trying to be a friend and talk boy stuff yet at the same time you feel torn apart that they have a boyfriend, or go out looking for men. Yet the friendship is far too precious to risk by telling them how you feel, besides chances are she won't bat for both teams anyway. Fortunately I seem to able to get over crushes fairly quickly. There will always be that niggling longing feeling, but I can generally quash it and ignore it and just be friends.

Then there's the whole God issue. Obviously gay relationships are frowned upon by the church. God doesn't appear to object to the orientation, but the sex, He does object to. And where does that begin? Is it possible to have a celibate relationship? Personally I doubt I could manage it, also where does a sexual relationship start? Sex, mutual masterbation, heavy petting, kissing? Some even say hugging and holding hands. But that's a bit extreme in my opinion. Of course it's the same issue in a hetrosexual relationship, yet fornication is pretty much acceptable now. Even the church seems to turn a blind eye to those with the attitude of everything but intercourse. Though I can guarantee if I'm seen kissing a woman, I'll get stick for it, yet kissing a bloke no one would bat an eyelid at.

My strategy at the moment of course is to remain single. No issue of orientation or attraction then, and it's far easier staying celibate. Definitely no questions over where to draw various lines. Besides the prospect of a relationship sends me running for the hills at the moment. But what happens when I feel ready for a relationship? Some say this is a phase, I'm young and confused, I'll grow out of it. I was bullied back in primary school for this though, so it's hardly a new phenomenom for me, not exactly a short lived phase really.

I don't even know what I'm getting at here. Ah well. I need sleep.

I've Got A Crush On You.....

If you knew me when I was younger you probably already know about my lack of understanding of the phenomena of crushes. I never got them. I didn't really know what one was, certainly never had a crush as such on anyone. I just went through life wishing for a boyfriend, however never actually wishing it was a certain person. Yes I definitely admired people I'd met and knew, or considered various physical characteristics attractive. But I never so much had the swoon like reaction to someone, talking gibberish at them and generally just melting into a ball of useless pink goo whenever you think about them.

Well, at long last that has changed. I finally understand what it feels like to have a crush on someone. I feel like a numpty; very shy, self conscious and kicking myself for saying such stupid things and generally looking and acting ridiculous around them. Oh the joys of attraction.
However I won't be doing anything about this crush, just trying ignore my feelings and act like a normal person. I need to be single right now, and I doubt this guy would reciprocate any feelings I have, he's out of my league. I will leave it at friends and generally get to know him better. Who knows, maybe something could happen later on down the line. But not now. I just have to ignore the fact he's one of only a small handful of guys I've ever found really good looking and attractive. The problem is, even though he's externally very appealing, the more I get to know him, the more I'm attracted to him as he's such a great guy and I'd like him even if he looked like the back end of a bus!

Oh crikey, my life seems to have turned upside down in the past few months! If you'd told me at the beginning of this year that within 6 months I'd be joking around in a hot tub with friends, heavily involved with the church, free, single and overcome by girly emotions, I'd never have believed you. Life seems fantastic again, it's been a long time. I've been through a heck of a lot in my 20 years, however as my friend said "there's still a fun loving little girl inside shining through".

Hmm, today's Bible verses seem somewhat fitting to my situation.

July 14, 2008

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:8

How very true, since coming back to Christ my world has gone from strength to strength. Not everything is hunky dory, I doubt it ever will be, fallen world after all. All the same, I've been incredibly blessed in these few months back home in God's family where I belong.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
		Luke 11:9-10

Yet again, this seems to be happening time and time again. I asked for a way out of my previous situation. A situation I'd thought would be hard to leave, but it turned out to be far easier and safer than I ever imagined. And now the things I'd been longing for for so many years I've found, all through the work of God and His people. So, with this whole crush business I will do the same. Put it into God's hands, if something is meant to happen, it will in good time, in the mean time, I ask for composure so I can hopefully gain a good friend without letting silly feelings spoiling it.


People ask why there are never any miracles being performed in the modern world. Mind you the flocks to the Florida Healing Outpouring would tell you otherwise. But irrespective of any big wowzer miracles going on, there are millions of miracles happening everyday. People just are too busy or preoccupied with the world to notice. But given some of my circumstances, how on earth I manage to maintain a genuine cheery disposition (most of the time) is a miracle in itself. It's all a matter of faith.

Once more I'm up at some absurd time, I need to go to sleep, not only my mother is going beserk at my sleeping patterns and sleep deprived affectation, but my friends are showing concern.
Night all, or rather, morning.

Recurring Dreams

It was probably 6 months ago or so when I first had this dream. Unlike any other dream, it didn't feel like a normal dream where you're experiencing it, but rather I was shown it. Like a film. Plus it's always very short, probably only lasting less than a minute. Just a glimpse.

Basically the dream goes as follows;
It's always me, looking somewhat older, but still young, so perhaps mid twenties, it's hard to tell. And I'm stood with a different family. I still have my own, yet there is another I've become a part of. This family lives in a nice big house, somewhere rural, everything very tasteful and high quality, lots of books too. This family obviously is middle class and well educated. What's happening usually varies from having a BBQ in the garden to singing round a piano or just having a conversation over dinner. I'm married or engaged to be married to the eldest son in the family, tall, dark and handsome (what a cliché), intelligent with a good job and very romantic. And everyone's happy, I'm happy. Sometimes the scene is when I'm even older, my thirties and there are also 4 children, my children.
There is no sound to any of this, no dialogue, except one voice, not spoken from any of the characters as such, but from somewhere else to accompany the scene. Always saying the same words; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Of course I now realise this to be from scripture, Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Though my dream didn't contain any reference as to whom said it, as though it were coming directly from God, who of course shouldn't need an introduction.

At the time this was such a weird dream as it certainly didn't resemble any life I had or could have, the man I was going to marry didn't feature. Plus I wasn't happy and seeing myself happy was a somewhat alien concept to me. That and I'd almost completely forgotten about God at this stage, resigned myself to a life without Him. To the point where I didn't recognise the dialogue as scripture. I dismissed this dream as just a dream, impossible, never going to happen, just my psyche fantasising. It would never come true, after all it sounds to me to be perfect.

But this dream keeps coming back, in my sleep and when I day dream. Pestering me. It was not long before I went to New York when I thought perhaps this dream had some truth. Perhaps I was destined for better than what I currently had. So I met New York with great anticipation, hoping to meet the man of my dreams who'd take me away from it all, rescue me. I didn't meet him. However New York was the catalyst for a series of events leading me back to the Lord and of course gave me the clarity I needed to see my relationship for what it was, a shambles and to get out of it.

So that was brilliant, perhaps the dream served it's purpose, altering my mindset and opening my eyes to the possibilities of a different life. But it still keeps coming back. I'm starting to get excited, what if it does become a reality, surely I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. Maybe this is some sort of plan God has for me. That would be wow. But I won't get too excited, after all, only God knows what He has planned for my life, and this may not be it, it would be nice. I'll just have to see what life brings. I definitely can't pursue this as such given the dream seems very small, too small to make out facial features, so I haven't a clue as to who this dream man is or what he even looks like. Ah well.

So yeh, just something on my mind of late. But I'll enjoy being single for the time being. God has made it very clear I need to be single at the moment, but hopefully not forever. Who knows maybe I will get my doctor (or science orientated, intelligent, well read and high earning) that looks like a cross between Hugh Laurie, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman!

The One

I seem to be writing a lot about relationships recently.... hmmm, ah well, c'est la vie.

I don't know why I came across this, it's on a Jewish website, and I'm certainly not Jewish (or rather I'm an evolved Jew as I like to say). But it's a fairly wise piece of advice regarding life partners, your future wife or husband. If only I'd read this months, even years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of anguish. I've included the article at the bottom of this post (making it a rather hefty post!)

I guess marriage has been playing on my mind recently, whether it be from joking about getting married with my friend as a solution to sexual desires and sexual immorality. Debates about civil partnership and the pros and cons of gay marriage. Even looking back at my history. I was thumbing through my diary and came across my year planner, and there inscribed under October 2009 was the word "wedding".
It made me quite sad to see it, not because I'm upset I'm no longer getting married, but because I'd made no effort to highlight it. Birthday reminders were in big bold handwriting accompanied by balloons and stars and the like. But here was what is supposed to be the one of the happiest days of my life written in just normal handwriting, in fact if anything slightly sloppy, no attention paid to the event. Surely that should have set off alarm bells.
Even the simple, quick "yes" to the proposal, more like a business transaction than elation at being asked "the question". The numerous pub lunches eaten in silence as we'd run out of conversation topics, everything I'd bring up was quickly batted down as being uninteresting or not worth talking about. What happened to the passion in my life? Why did I settle for what I had, why did I plan to resign myself to that life?

Looking at my current situation, I'm filled with the joy of living. Yes I still struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety and the like. But for once I feel I'm alive, not just existing. Even my friendships are filled with ten times more passion than that I had with my fiancé. What a crying shame.
I'm just so glad I returned to the church and rediscovered my faith. All those years I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to have a relationship with God, but there was this huge big obstacle in my life I'd neglected to notice. Now it's gone, I feel fabulous and can really continue my walk with Jesus unhindered. I've rekindled old friendships and made many new friends. The support network I lacked has returned in abundance. Every time I go to church I meet wonderful people, and see old friends, young and old, all caring and loving. The church is such a fabulous community, full of love. Which is essentially what Christianity is all about. Love. Even if I never marry I know I will always have love, love to give to others and love to receive.

At least, throughout all my experience, the dark times I've gone through, I've learnt a lot of valuable lessons. On thing's for sure I'll be far more careful with future relationships. I want my future husband to be perfect for me, and I believe God will provide such a man. Of course he won't be a perfect person, but there will be no one better out there for me. I won't settle for second best again, or even what happens to be available as it's the easy and less scary option. I may have to take a tougher path, but it'll be worth it.

And just to quote lyrics from a favourite song of mine by Fairground Attraction to reinforce my plight.

I don't want half hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares.
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again.

It's got to be perfect
It's got to be worth it
yeah.
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's got to be
yeah
perfect.

Young hearts are foolish
they make such mistakes
They're much too eager to give their love away.
Well
I have been foolish too many times
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.

It's got to be perfect

Here's that article, taken from http://www.aish.com

About three years ago, a friend of mine met a woman. Two weeks later, when he told me that she was The One, I helpfully pointed out that it takes Amazon.com longer to ship me a book. I am happy to report that they are still (to be honest, nauseatingly) in love, married two years and completely without doubt that they stood under the chuppah alongside their soul mate.

Lucky them. For the rest of us, lurching toward the M-word is a little less clear. You reach a point in your vaunted relationship where it's either "do"(that whole nuptials thing) or "die"(bye-bye, relationship). And how are you supposed to know?

"I love him," (or her), we think. "But is this person the I want to be with for the rest of my life?"

You can think about this so much and so hard and so long that the bloom wears off the relationship and all of a sudden it's three years later and someone asks why it didn't work out with so-and-so and you don't really have an answer.

Even worse is getting caught up in the wonderment and bliss that new love offers -- that heady, intoxicating heaven-on-earth of fresh devotion -- and then discovering (when the catering contract is already signed) that she wants to buy a small cottage in Maine and you were expecting to raise a large family in Los Angeles.

Dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes is NOT communication.

Toward whichever end of the scale you fall, asking yourself some honest questions can reveal whether you have the groundwork necessary for a successful marriage.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Every relationship is helped by good communication, but a marriage will not survive without it. So you need to figure out if you and your beloved can talk and share openly. Can you express your feelings, needs and share when you're hurt? Does he/she listen to and understand you (or at least try)? Do you listen to your partner and feel comfortable that she/he is open with you?

More than feelings, you have to be able to discuss life issues. Solid communication is NOT dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes. Can you discuss your personal strengths and weaknesses, your vision of a family and how it works, your priorities, your attitude toward money, and how you want to structure your daily life?

What happens when you disagree? Can the two of you take a painful or difficult problem and work it through? Resolving issues involves discussion and solution, not merely a cessation of hostilities or a well-placed bribe. Sending flowers or offering a backrub is not called "working it through."

Be concerned if you find yourself continually quelling feelings of resentment or anger, or if you feel that your partner isn't open and honest with you. Be even more concerned if you find yourself avoiding serious discussions -- or if you hold back from expressing your true feelings, goals or opinions -- because you worry about what your partner might think or say.

You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self.

Marriage Lite does not work in the long-run. You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self to this person.

THE VISION THING

It's essential that he/she see that inner you. After all, marriage is about building a life together. Once you've communicated your feelings, hopes and dreams, you need to check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

The big and obvious questions are children (if, now or later, and how many), religious issues, and priorities such as balancing work and family. If you're looking for a wife who will stay home full-time with the kids, you'd better clear it with your partner-track lawyer girlfriend before you start shopping for diamonds. If you want a new car every two years, fancy vacations and designer clothes, be sure you're marrying someone who won't mind you doing 60- or 70-hour workweeks. If religion is important to you, don't marry someone who views spirituality as a bunch of bunk.

Check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

Disjunctions in those areas can doom a marriage before it begins.

Don't stop there, though. Your vision should include the smaller stuff, too. Within reason.

If you love entertaining, you may be frustrated with a wife who views her home as a sanctuary from other people. If you're a major saver, you may protest when your husband wants to charge the down payment on a house. If you love working out and hiking, you may have trouble adjusting to life with someone who views grocery shopping as an athletic activity.

SMALL DIFFERENCES

You both need to realize, though, that your spouse is not going to be like you in every way. No one will ever be, thank God. (And the idea of marrying your twin is anyway icky.) Being different from each other is not only normal, natural and healthy -- it's inevitable.

The question is whether the differences are things that will drive you apart, or magnetize you together.

It's also essential to recognize that the longer you've been single, the more set in your ways you become. So don't let small things come in the way of your long-term happiness. Accept that your partner will enjoy different activities, do things differently and have different opinions.

Issues pop up even with the most compatible couples. Friends of mine spent their first year of marriage in vicious battle over whether toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom. They eventually resolved this crisis, and are now quibbling over replacement of the toothpaste cap.

Still, remove as many land mines as you can beforehand. Love can conquer a lot, but it can't hold together a couple who are going in separate directions.

"Working it out" does not mean the two of you have to do it alone. If your not sure whether an issue is surmountable, consult a rabbi or trusted counselor.

THE FIRST STEP

If you have all the basics right, what you may need most is an attitude adjustment.

It was Shakespeare's comedies that conditioned us to view weddings as happy endings. But the Bard got it wrong -- your wedding should be a happy beginning.

A good foundation determines whether or not you approach the chuppah. But perhaps the most important thing to share is the understanding that the chuppah is only the start.

You lay a foundation before you begin building a house. Completing the building, in this case, will take a lifetime. If the foundation is there and you two are determined to make it work, you have a fighting chance of getting that happy ending -- long after the curtain falls.

Incidentally today's Bible verse on one of my facebook applications is;

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Christian boyfriends from now on then.

I believe it is now time for bed. Night all.

I've fallen in Love

Don't worry, not with a person, that'd be a bit quick! But with these shoes. Anyone care to buy them for me? Size 7.
I tried them on today, and I was smitten, however they only had a 6, which is too small, that and I really shouldn't be buying more shoes, I can't really afford it. think I've

But what happens when you do fall in love? How do you know? (I'm not talking about shoes this time!) In the past I think I've been in love, but looking back I'm not so sure. I certainly loved the person, but "in love" with them, I don't think so. Infatuated, deluded, obsessed, overwhelmed by the attention perhaps. But I'm not sure I've ever been in love. A scary thing considering I was going to get married not that long ago. But whenever the subject of Love is broached, Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13 always come to mind.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I think back to the relationships I had where I believed myself to possibly be in love, they doesn't come close to what love should be. People always remark how unaffected I seem to be by past break ups, but if I never was in love then I guess the guy never had my heart to break. Coming out of relationships the only thing I feel is regret for letting myself go too far, not ending it sooner, and resentment for the way I'd been treated. But asides from that, I find it fairly easy to move on. In fact I don't even think about my exes that much unless the topic arises in conversation. I even struggle to remember what they look like. The closest I've come to real love was probably with my first boyfriend, I still think fondly of him and I'll always remember him. Though I'd never want to rekindle anything. It was young love, sweet and relatively uncomplicated. It was never destined to go anywhere, but I appreciated it while it lasted.

I do hope one day I will fall in Love, and it won't be a folly of lust and infatuation clouding my judgement. But whether that will happen, only time can tell. I trust God has a man picked out for me, I really can't see myself going through life as single, I don't have the gift of celibacy, and I'm miles too broody to forgo having children. But even so, circumstances may change and I'll be happy with that kind of life. But I have a feeling I am destined for family life and motherhood. Maybe not in the immediate future, but one day.

I've even decided in what order I'd like to have kids. Not that I have any choice in the matter. But I'd like a girl, then a boy, then another boy and finally another girl. 4 in all, 2 of each. I must be mad wanting 4 children, but I don't think 2 is enough, and from my own experience in a family of 3 children, one often gets left out, so 4 seems to be the best solution. Enough that you have more than one sibling to go to, play with, annoy, learn from and hopefully as a result have a far richer childhood.
I certainly could never have just one child, only children always seem somewhat deprived of any real experience, such as the love/hate relationship between siblings. I know for certain I'd be lost without my brothers, we've had a lot of rough patches, but they mean the world to me, and no friend can ever come close to what I have with my siblings.

All this talk of children is making me broody. Ah well, yet another requirement for any future husband - prepared to have 4 children, more than most probably want. Though mind you, it's me who has to do all the childbearing! Let's just hope if things do go how I'd like, that I enjoy being pregnant!

Well I have a letter to finish writing, my last letter was 9 pages long, 6000 words, this I intend to be somewhat shorter as that was perhaps a tad bit excessive. Though the recipient was appreciative and enjoyed the letter, I doubt he'd enjoy having to read another one that length!

That and I bought 4 new books today from The Christian Book Centre, so I'd best get reading. I'm looking forward to reading them, plus the sooner I finish the sooner I can go back and buy more. Food for the soul, and I have a rather hungry soul!

Every Christian Woman's Battle...

... or at least I hope so, just seems it's not often talked about, making the battle invariably harder!

You can probably guess what this is going to be about, it's pretty much all I ever seem to write about.

Well, I'm currently sat in bed with my shiny new laptop. The joys of modern technology and wireless internet. This evening I went to see Sex and the City at the cinema, real good way to stir up all those emotions you want to suppress! Raging hormones aside, it got me thinking about relationships and what I want from future relationships. (Remember people, I'm not interested for a good while yet so no playing cupid!)

Anyway, what I really want from a relationship is a companion. I want a best friend, who at the same time I can't wait to rip his clothes off! Someone who still thinks I'm sexy in a big jumper with a runny nose and demanding soup be brought to my sick bed. Someone I can trust and confide in, yet still be silly and have a laugh with. I want a fabulous father for my children, someone who'll protect me and make me feel safe and secure. Someone who'll support me in my Christian faith and share my morals and values.

But how do you know when you've found this elusive bloke, "the one"? Even if I find someone who seemingly ticks all the boxes, how do I know how things will be once we marry and live together? In my experience things haven't gone too well, usually in the living with someone or sex department. But if you can't test these things out before marriage in a relationship that puts God first, then how do you know these will work out? It's a big risk, it takes a lot of faith I guess.
Of course I should fully trust in God to provide me with everything I want and need in a partner, perfectly compatible. But my faith at present isn't strong enough unfortunately, so I'm left with all these doubts, fears and worries.

So, my experiences so far? Well in all my relationships I've found we weren't sexually compatible, for the first few weeks, perhaps even months thongs were good, not fantastic but good, then it would all fizzle out and I'd be left frustrated as I found my male counterpart's libido tended to wane, whilst mine was still sky high. Perhaps a flaw in all men, or just the ones I've had so far. Anyway, it leaves me with a fear of ending up with a man who despite all my love for him cannot satisfy in the bedroom, either for long enough or frequently enough. And still manage to cope with a week a month off, perhaps more to cater for hormonal and emotional disturbances. Reading it back, sounds like I'm asking for the impossible.

As for living with someone. I have lived with one boyfriend who later became my fiancé. It really didn't work, constant arguments about housework and responsibility, financial matters and generally how we spent our free time. We never seemed to get any space or time apart from each other, yet never spent quality time with each other. Seems perhaps a paradox, but that was how we lived. That and our vastly different values, opinions and views didn't help matters, it was never destined to work. Though if I'd never moved in with him first then I'd never have found out about all his undesirable character traits and if I'd waited until marriage before living together I could have found myself in a far trickier situation to get out of.

One could argue that it was because I moved in and became physically intimate prematurely that's why things turned sour with previous relationships. What happened was a result of indulging in a sinful lifestyle. But it still leaves you wondering, especially given the number of women I know who's husbands completely changed after marriage in attitude and even personality. Or those women and men who indulge in affairs because of a poor marital sex life, where basically the couple are sexually incompatible, whether it be sexual desires or different libidos.

So there's the whole debate of to test or not to test. For example, you don't usually buy a pair of shoes without trying them on to see if they fit and are comfortable. (Though there is evidence to the contrary with my shoe buying habit!) So surely you'd apply similar logic to that of a life partner. Like test driving a car.
But our God given guidelines are there for a reason, I've fallen foul of that in the past and now understand the value of sex and how it shouldn't be abused outside marital boundaries. I guess it just takes a lot of faith to fully trust God to find you someone perfect, someone who you won't need to test drive first before committing. It's a blind bet that will hopefully pay off. Or rather, with God's assurance, will pay off.


Well it's certainly clear to me so far, my faith is still very shaky and needs a lot of work to strengthen it. My walk with Jesus is still in the early stages. It's been 14 years since I made a commitment, and although there have been set backs I will continue with Our walk and spiritually grow, just takes time, devotion and faith.


Now the one question my mind begs to ask; Where do you draw the line? But that's a whole different topic. Perhaps the subject of my next post, we'll have to wait and see, could be long however as it involves the bane of my life, temptation!

The subject of boyfriends

Don't you just love that term? Boyfriend. Brilliant! A friend who is a boy, yet it means so much more. Technically I have loads of boy friends, yet no "boyfriend", even when I've had them I still didn't use the term. I guess I always think of the young couple, girlfriend and boyfriend, she's 13, he's 14, holding hands in between lessons, or under the table at lunch. The odd cheeky kiss here and there, and the look on their faces when they think of each other, all those butterflies, amazing.
If only relationships were that simple.

I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.

So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.

I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.

I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.


So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.

Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.

Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.