How Things Change and The Man Who Buys Me Flowers

Not updated this in a while. Ah well, as would seem to be the trend for 2008 my life has gone through a lot of changes. Namely rediscovering Jesus, then rediscovering why I left the church in the first place. A big spiritual battlefield I can tell you that. Yes, the idea of the Christian faith is lovely, and part of me really wants to believe it, yet it all seems far too convenient and personal experience doesn't fit with various theologies.
Why you may ask? Some may speculate my friendship with non believers. But truth be told they've had little bearing on my personal view of faith and religion. The main thing ironically was a Bible conference. That was when the doubts set it, and also the concern at how such uniform belief systems affect people. Granted there are a huge positive aspects to it, mainly the community, good feeling and upstanding morality. However religion as a whole seems to me to have sinister undertones to it and I've decided I no longer want a part in it.
I still have my faith in God, the infallible creator of the universe, however, the rest of Christian beliefs aren't so in tune with mine. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't a clue. A scary thought admittedly, but we're only human after all, we can't even begin to contemplate the great unknown and majestic power of the creator of existence. I guess I've become one of the dreaded Agnostics.... I have a faith, it just doesn't fit into a nice little religious box, far too ambiguous. Feel free to disagree, though I'm still finding myself, in spiritual terms I am very much lost, but don't try and save me or convert me, this is something that'll take time and is between me and my creator.

That was long overdue.

In other news, moving on from the eternal to the current and hopefully future. I have found myself the most wonderful man to keep me company. It all came about by accident.
After realising leading an abstinent life was needlessly stressful and turned me into a manipulative cold hearted bitch inclined to use and abuse people, I decided to find myself a friend with benefits. (Apologies to those I've hurt in the process.) I've never been one for one night stands, but a casual affair, still monogamous, but with no messy feelings involved seemed right up my street. This was after much consultation with various friends, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Agnostic and Atheist, they all agreed this was the best solution.
Literally less than a week previous to this I had clocked eyes on a man I found attractive, only a fleeting glance, but still, this is a rarity for me, finding a man attractive, very attractive at that. He was tall, long dark hair, bearded and weilding a camera. Though, this is where my new found girly emotions take over, and of course I was unable to pursue him for feeling weak at the knees everytime I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
However, it seems I wasn't alone in my interest, and lo and behold on the wonders of facebook a photograph of myself cropped up, taken by the tall skulky photographer I'd taken a fancy to. He'd noticed me, thanks to a shared fetish for corsetry. Much to my delight he also initaited conversation via the medium of instant messaging. "So what?" you say. A man who I found physically very attractive, and possibly sexually attractive too (I mainly go on smell, not aesthetics as such) also found me mutually attractive. So, it wasn't long before I found myself a fuck buddy. Cue a far happier, relaxed and serene Izzy.

You don't need to know details, however our arrangement lasted a meagre 2 weeks or so before it all fell apart. Little "Miss I don't want a relationship" managed to plant her car in hedge and on top of a give way sign. Well done me. This rendered me short of transport as I'd mangled the front half of my car, and in a spectacular amount of pain. Dosed up to the eyeballs on valium and codiene I was restricted to my bed and not moving much due to confusion, sleepiness and pain. I didn't get whiplash, just severe muscle trauma, my poor legs and arms.
So my weekend trip was cancelled and I still missed my regular weekends plans. Though my crippled status provided a handy opportunity for a certain friend to come visit me and keep me company, with lashings of chocolate to sweeten the deal. Please note, this isn't a euphemism.

Though two friends, used to enjoying each others company in strictly platonic and physical ways, now realised in the absence of physical activities, there weren't just platonic feelings. Perhaps a need to feel looked after and cared for on my part seemed to make something flip. I can't say for him, however the dynamic of our relationship changed that day. Several hours of pigging out on chocolate, chatting, cuddling and laughing seemed to change our attitudes and affections set in. Oh shit, I didn't want this to happen.

Before I go on, I have a thing about kissing. So any casual encounter of mine, there was to be no kissing. Kissing confuses things, personally I find it far more intimate than sex. So, friends with benefits comes with a strict no kissing rule. I have no desire to kiss people unless I'm romantically involved, I've obliged in previous situations as a means to easily manipulate, but it never sits too comfortably with me.
However this particular Sunday, I found a disgusting heartfelt urge to kiss him. I didn't, and I didn't even voice my desires, after all I didn't want any emotional commitment or mess. Though I was later told I wasn't the only way to feel like that, so I eventually fessed up. Surprise surprise, about half a week later I ended up in a passionate embrace and finally gave in to kissing him, throwing my convictions out of the window. It was official, we were no longer fuck buddies, but stuck on the path to smug coupledom. Despite my reservations at the time, it was a wonderful decision.

The rest is history. I'm deliriously happy, and somewhat overwhelmed by the fact I'm involved with a man who I not only swoon at the sight of, but amazingly enough treats me like a princess, respects me, shares my interests, is kind, caring, intelligent and can actually match my libido. I've found someone who I'm sexually compatible with, yet I've also found a best friend. And despite our beginnings being based on sex, a 7 week stint of biologically impossed abstinence (neither of us are exactly in the mood when the decorators are in), our relationship has only grown a lot stronger. So at least that settles any fears that we wouldn't work without the sex. Hey, we can still play fight in the middle of sommerfield whilst under threat of being chucked out for horsing about. 21 and 23..... we certainly don't act it at times!


Plus, on a weird note, I can't find anything wrong with him.
You know, when you first meet someone, there's always some flaw or other you can find. Perhaps they have a funny nose, a habit of farting in bed, a penchant for calling you nasty names, they transform into an asshole after several pints, gel their hair into stupid styles. Eventually you can overlook it, but it's always there, niggling away at the back of your mind. Well this time, nothing. Strange. Even the ridiculous cockney accent he adopts to wind me up I find endearing.

I'm very much aware I'm in the first throes of romance, overwhelmed by rushes of emotion. I miss him terribly when we're apart, and we get on like a house on fire when we're together, it's only been less than 3 months. Who knows, perhaps time will alter my feelings, and I'll realise I was blinded by infatuation. But given our blunt and honest beginnings, cards laid bare on the table, perhaps there is a future in this. I very much hope so. In the mean time, I'm very much smitten with my 6'2 scouser and computer geek. ^____^


What a sickly post; I really am a girl. I could talk about my frustrating body and the 7 weeks of menstrual hell and general malaise. But instead I'm going to sit back and smile to myself, and enjoy the sensation of falling............

Guess Who Can't Sleep?

I'm afraid to say though, there are no prizes for correct guesses.

I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.

Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?

(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)

Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.

Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.

But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.

I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.

Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!