My New Toy

My mum always says she regrets not encouraging my Dad to get a big bike. He humbly commuted to work everyday on little 250s, he'd have been much better off with a 600cc or bigger engine. But he stuck with the smaller engined more economical motorbikes. I always loved my Dad's bike, as far as I can remember they were huge amazing machines, and always a deep red. And my Dad would always buy Shoei Helmets. It was always my dream to ride a motorbike just like him. Though I wouldn't have a red motorbike, I'd have a white one, and white leathers and a Shoei helmet. I think I watched too much Captain Scarlet as a kid, probably took my influences from the Angels.

Skip forward 15 years ish and my dream is about to be realised, much to my mother's concern (so much for her regrets). I passed my motorcycle test back in April, before the new test came in and whilst my family was in Mexico so they couldn't object. Now it's September of the same year, I'm very rusty obviously having not ridden for 6 months, and I'm still in the process of recovering from surgery (I intend to blog about that one soon). But regardless of all that, I needed cheering up so I bought myself my first ever motorbike.

It's a white (my 6 year old self would be so happy) and purple 1989 Honda CB-1, also known as the NC27, CB400F and CB400/4. Why so many names I have no idea. It's the Japanese version. Needs a damn good clean, and the earth on the indicators can play up at times. But apart from that it's mechanically sound with a fair bit of powerful behind the throttle and has plenty of torque. It's essentially a naked sports bike. If it weren't for poor marketing it would have been considered the first Hornet. But it only had a 2 year run in the States and Japan as faired sports bikes, the "baby blades", were far more popular at the time. But considering it's nearly as old as me, the bike is damn good, especially as I paid very little for it.

Anyway, I can't ride at the moment as recovery from surgery has rendered me physically incapable of doing anything requiring strength. It'll take a while to build my muscles back up. So in the mean time, the boyfriend and I will be scrubbing and polishing away to get it as clean as possible. We'll fix the indicators, probably respray it, re-upholster the seat and give it a major service. I'm so excited. I've also taken to sitting on and making pretend revving noises like I did when I was a little girl. Brummm brummm. So much fun, and better than nothing when you can't do the real thing!

It's been probably about 12 years since there's been a bike in the garage, Dad got rid of his last one as he had a 100 mile a day commute and the bike wasn't ideal. Numb bum and arms I'm guessing. Instead he got a Skoda. His bear used to sit in the back seat, and he kept boxes of Twix's in the boot. But it was never as cool as a motorbike. He passed away not long after. I imagine if he was still alive he might have bought another bike. I hope he'd be proud his daughter followed in his footsteps. A little concerned for my safety but still enthusiastic about sharing a hobby. Oh and of course, it almost goes without saying, but I bought a Shoei helmet too. I trust my Dad's judgement, I wasn't going to skimp on the helmet.

Anyway, she arrived home today. She's sat safe in the garage under a dust sheet. I'm wondering how long it'll take before my mother discovers her. So far one little boy has discovered it, but promises to keep schtum given it's "beastly and cool". We'll see.

Update

So, developments in the world of Izzy?
I've succumbed to wonders of Twitter... http://twitter.com/bellebot

Also I've decided I'm definitely going to learn to ride, hopefully April, I'm pencilled in for my DAS along with Sephi pending theory and CBT go to plan. I imagine they will. I'm so excited. The motorcycle gear collection has already started.

• Bright pink leather jacket by Wolf, apparently custom made for Jodie Marsh before the boob op. It's epic! You'll see me coming a mile off.
• Leather trousers, AGV, fairly standard black and armoured, brand new and very cheap as a result of the Wyder group going into administration.
• Fly motocross boots, I'm aware I'm not actually going to be involved in motocross, but they look great and were only £18 second hand
• Black leather armoured gloves, my hands are notoriously odd, so finding a pair to fit wasn't an easy task, managed it in the end, think they're RSR Daytonas.

So by no means complete, missing a lid for a start, but it's well on the way.

In other news, I'm recovering from what my mum reckons was flu. Except I didn't have the cold like symptoms as such, just the lethargy, aching, general zombie feeling, vomiting, nausea and apparently looking like death. Lasted around a week or so, most of it spent in bed trying to muster the energy to grab a bottle of lucozade. Not flu in my books, that is at least 2 weeks in bed.
Also to coincide with my bed ridden state, I fell down the stairs, bashing my back on most of them as I went down. Back pain and the snapping crunching noise and then swelling of my ankle definitely kept me in bed. Though they seemed to sort themselves out pretty quickly. It was enough to keep me off work. I don't like being off sick much; can't exactly afford it.

Overall I'm fairly chirpy. Ridiculously excited about learning to ride and getting all my gear. Especially as I get to do it at the same time as Sephi. I've wanted to ride ever since I was little as my Dad used to ride. Can't wait!
Though mainly, the dark days are over. I love winter, however my body doesn't so I get a bit dreary, lethargic and glum. I counteract it by pointing blue LEDs at my eyes in the morning. It works wonders, when I remember to switch my light box on that is!
March is here however, and just like every year, the sunny days and the financial struggles of januray and febuary are in the past, so I feel much happier. They joys of SAD, though I refuse to believe I'm depressed during winter, despite the fact my doctor, mother and boyfriend all say I come across as depressed, withdrawn and angsty. I just have a dip in self esteem and the chemicals in my brain don't work quite as well. Just one of those things in life, it happens, nothing to worry about really. I'm on the up now anyway, and soon I'll have a bright pink motorcycle jacket to match my mood! :-D

Hmmmm.......

Finally the thing you've been dreading your whole life has found you, engulfed you, swallowed you whole. And who'd have thought, it's actually not as bad as you feared. In fact it's the best thing in the world, far surpassed any expectations and made you realise any previous encounters you thought you had with this thing weren't anything close. They left you underwhelmed and disillusioned, when in actual fact, the real thing is awesome in the true sense of the word.
Now, you're left with a very weird sensation, and a smug grin plastered on your face and dreamy eyes. The resultant pain from pining is worth it, as overall you're elated and ecstatic. Life isn't quite the same anymore, and most likely never will be again, however you're blissfully happy. You're the cat that got the cream, and it's even better than you dreamed.

Smug

Pinch me,
I'm dreaming.........









He's perfect.

How Things Change and The Man Who Buys Me Flowers

Not updated this in a while. Ah well, as would seem to be the trend for 2008 my life has gone through a lot of changes. Namely rediscovering Jesus, then rediscovering why I left the church in the first place. A big spiritual battlefield I can tell you that. Yes, the idea of the Christian faith is lovely, and part of me really wants to believe it, yet it all seems far too convenient and personal experience doesn't fit with various theologies.
Why you may ask? Some may speculate my friendship with non believers. But truth be told they've had little bearing on my personal view of faith and religion. The main thing ironically was a Bible conference. That was when the doubts set it, and also the concern at how such uniform belief systems affect people. Granted there are a huge positive aspects to it, mainly the community, good feeling and upstanding morality. However religion as a whole seems to me to have sinister undertones to it and I've decided I no longer want a part in it.
I still have my faith in God, the infallible creator of the universe, however, the rest of Christian beliefs aren't so in tune with mine. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't a clue. A scary thought admittedly, but we're only human after all, we can't even begin to contemplate the great unknown and majestic power of the creator of existence. I guess I've become one of the dreaded Agnostics.... I have a faith, it just doesn't fit into a nice little religious box, far too ambiguous. Feel free to disagree, though I'm still finding myself, in spiritual terms I am very much lost, but don't try and save me or convert me, this is something that'll take time and is between me and my creator.

That was long overdue.

In other news, moving on from the eternal to the current and hopefully future. I have found myself the most wonderful man to keep me company. It all came about by accident.
After realising leading an abstinent life was needlessly stressful and turned me into a manipulative cold hearted bitch inclined to use and abuse people, I decided to find myself a friend with benefits. (Apologies to those I've hurt in the process.) I've never been one for one night stands, but a casual affair, still monogamous, but with no messy feelings involved seemed right up my street. This was after much consultation with various friends, Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Agnostic and Atheist, they all agreed this was the best solution.
Literally less than a week previous to this I had clocked eyes on a man I found attractive, only a fleeting glance, but still, this is a rarity for me, finding a man attractive, very attractive at that. He was tall, long dark hair, bearded and weilding a camera. Though, this is where my new found girly emotions take over, and of course I was unable to pursue him for feeling weak at the knees everytime I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
However, it seems I wasn't alone in my interest, and lo and behold on the wonders of facebook a photograph of myself cropped up, taken by the tall skulky photographer I'd taken a fancy to. He'd noticed me, thanks to a shared fetish for corsetry. Much to my delight he also initaited conversation via the medium of instant messaging. "So what?" you say. A man who I found physically very attractive, and possibly sexually attractive too (I mainly go on smell, not aesthetics as such) also found me mutually attractive. So, it wasn't long before I found myself a fuck buddy. Cue a far happier, relaxed and serene Izzy.

You don't need to know details, however our arrangement lasted a meagre 2 weeks or so before it all fell apart. Little "Miss I don't want a relationship" managed to plant her car in hedge and on top of a give way sign. Well done me. This rendered me short of transport as I'd mangled the front half of my car, and in a spectacular amount of pain. Dosed up to the eyeballs on valium and codiene I was restricted to my bed and not moving much due to confusion, sleepiness and pain. I didn't get whiplash, just severe muscle trauma, my poor legs and arms.
So my weekend trip was cancelled and I still missed my regular weekends plans. Though my crippled status provided a handy opportunity for a certain friend to come visit me and keep me company, with lashings of chocolate to sweeten the deal. Please note, this isn't a euphemism.

Though two friends, used to enjoying each others company in strictly platonic and physical ways, now realised in the absence of physical activities, there weren't just platonic feelings. Perhaps a need to feel looked after and cared for on my part seemed to make something flip. I can't say for him, however the dynamic of our relationship changed that day. Several hours of pigging out on chocolate, chatting, cuddling and laughing seemed to change our attitudes and affections set in. Oh shit, I didn't want this to happen.

Before I go on, I have a thing about kissing. So any casual encounter of mine, there was to be no kissing. Kissing confuses things, personally I find it far more intimate than sex. So, friends with benefits comes with a strict no kissing rule. I have no desire to kiss people unless I'm romantically involved, I've obliged in previous situations as a means to easily manipulate, but it never sits too comfortably with me.
However this particular Sunday, I found a disgusting heartfelt urge to kiss him. I didn't, and I didn't even voice my desires, after all I didn't want any emotional commitment or mess. Though I was later told I wasn't the only way to feel like that, so I eventually fessed up. Surprise surprise, about half a week later I ended up in a passionate embrace and finally gave in to kissing him, throwing my convictions out of the window. It was official, we were no longer fuck buddies, but stuck on the path to smug coupledom. Despite my reservations at the time, it was a wonderful decision.

The rest is history. I'm deliriously happy, and somewhat overwhelmed by the fact I'm involved with a man who I not only swoon at the sight of, but amazingly enough treats me like a princess, respects me, shares my interests, is kind, caring, intelligent and can actually match my libido. I've found someone who I'm sexually compatible with, yet I've also found a best friend. And despite our beginnings being based on sex, a 7 week stint of biologically impossed abstinence (neither of us are exactly in the mood when the decorators are in), our relationship has only grown a lot stronger. So at least that settles any fears that we wouldn't work without the sex. Hey, we can still play fight in the middle of sommerfield whilst under threat of being chucked out for horsing about. 21 and 23..... we certainly don't act it at times!


Plus, on a weird note, I can't find anything wrong with him.
You know, when you first meet someone, there's always some flaw or other you can find. Perhaps they have a funny nose, a habit of farting in bed, a penchant for calling you nasty names, they transform into an asshole after several pints, gel their hair into stupid styles. Eventually you can overlook it, but it's always there, niggling away at the back of your mind. Well this time, nothing. Strange. Even the ridiculous cockney accent he adopts to wind me up I find endearing.

I'm very much aware I'm in the first throes of romance, overwhelmed by rushes of emotion. I miss him terribly when we're apart, and we get on like a house on fire when we're together, it's only been less than 3 months. Who knows, perhaps time will alter my feelings, and I'll realise I was blinded by infatuation. But given our blunt and honest beginnings, cards laid bare on the table, perhaps there is a future in this. I very much hope so. In the mean time, I'm very much smitten with my 6'2 scouser and computer geek. ^____^


What a sickly post; I really am a girl. I could talk about my frustrating body and the 7 weeks of menstrual hell and general malaise. But instead I'm going to sit back and smile to myself, and enjoy the sensation of falling............

The One

I seem to be writing a lot about relationships recently.... hmmm, ah well, c'est la vie.

I don't know why I came across this, it's on a Jewish website, and I'm certainly not Jewish (or rather I'm an evolved Jew as I like to say). But it's a fairly wise piece of advice regarding life partners, your future wife or husband. If only I'd read this months, even years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of anguish. I've included the article at the bottom of this post (making it a rather hefty post!)

I guess marriage has been playing on my mind recently, whether it be from joking about getting married with my friend as a solution to sexual desires and sexual immorality. Debates about civil partnership and the pros and cons of gay marriage. Even looking back at my history. I was thumbing through my diary and came across my year planner, and there inscribed under October 2009 was the word "wedding".
It made me quite sad to see it, not because I'm upset I'm no longer getting married, but because I'd made no effort to highlight it. Birthday reminders were in big bold handwriting accompanied by balloons and stars and the like. But here was what is supposed to be the one of the happiest days of my life written in just normal handwriting, in fact if anything slightly sloppy, no attention paid to the event. Surely that should have set off alarm bells.
Even the simple, quick "yes" to the proposal, more like a business transaction than elation at being asked "the question". The numerous pub lunches eaten in silence as we'd run out of conversation topics, everything I'd bring up was quickly batted down as being uninteresting or not worth talking about. What happened to the passion in my life? Why did I settle for what I had, why did I plan to resign myself to that life?

Looking at my current situation, I'm filled with the joy of living. Yes I still struggle with feelings of depression, anxiety and the like. But for once I feel I'm alive, not just existing. Even my friendships are filled with ten times more passion than that I had with my fiancé. What a crying shame.
I'm just so glad I returned to the church and rediscovered my faith. All those years I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to have a relationship with God, but there was this huge big obstacle in my life I'd neglected to notice. Now it's gone, I feel fabulous and can really continue my walk with Jesus unhindered. I've rekindled old friendships and made many new friends. The support network I lacked has returned in abundance. Every time I go to church I meet wonderful people, and see old friends, young and old, all caring and loving. The church is such a fabulous community, full of love. Which is essentially what Christianity is all about. Love. Even if I never marry I know I will always have love, love to give to others and love to receive.

At least, throughout all my experience, the dark times I've gone through, I've learnt a lot of valuable lessons. On thing's for sure I'll be far more careful with future relationships. I want my future husband to be perfect for me, and I believe God will provide such a man. Of course he won't be a perfect person, but there will be no one better out there for me. I won't settle for second best again, or even what happens to be available as it's the easy and less scary option. I may have to take a tougher path, but it'll be worth it.

And just to quote lyrics from a favourite song of mine by Fairground Attraction to reinforce my plight.

I don't want half hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares.
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again.

It's got to be perfect
It's got to be worth it
yeah.
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's got to be
yeah
perfect.

Young hearts are foolish
they make such mistakes
They're much too eager to give their love away.
Well
I have been foolish too many times
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.

It's got to be perfect

Here's that article, taken from http://www.aish.com

About three years ago, a friend of mine met a woman. Two weeks later, when he told me that she was The One, I helpfully pointed out that it takes Amazon.com longer to ship me a book. I am happy to report that they are still (to be honest, nauseatingly) in love, married two years and completely without doubt that they stood under the chuppah alongside their soul mate.

Lucky them. For the rest of us, lurching toward the M-word is a little less clear. You reach a point in your vaunted relationship where it's either "do"(that whole nuptials thing) or "die"(bye-bye, relationship). And how are you supposed to know?

"I love him," (or her), we think. "But is this person the I want to be with for the rest of my life?"

You can think about this so much and so hard and so long that the bloom wears off the relationship and all of a sudden it's three years later and someone asks why it didn't work out with so-and-so and you don't really have an answer.

Even worse is getting caught up in the wonderment and bliss that new love offers -- that heady, intoxicating heaven-on-earth of fresh devotion -- and then discovering (when the catering contract is already signed) that she wants to buy a small cottage in Maine and you were expecting to raise a large family in Los Angeles.

Dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes is NOT communication.

Toward whichever end of the scale you fall, asking yourself some honest questions can reveal whether you have the groundwork necessary for a successful marriage.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Every relationship is helped by good communication, but a marriage will not survive without it. So you need to figure out if you and your beloved can talk and share openly. Can you express your feelings, needs and share when you're hurt? Does he/she listen to and understand you (or at least try)? Do you listen to your partner and feel comfortable that she/he is open with you?

More than feelings, you have to be able to discuss life issues. Solid communication is NOT dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes. Can you discuss your personal strengths and weaknesses, your vision of a family and how it works, your priorities, your attitude toward money, and how you want to structure your daily life?

What happens when you disagree? Can the two of you take a painful or difficult problem and work it through? Resolving issues involves discussion and solution, not merely a cessation of hostilities or a well-placed bribe. Sending flowers or offering a backrub is not called "working it through."

Be concerned if you find yourself continually quelling feelings of resentment or anger, or if you feel that your partner isn't open and honest with you. Be even more concerned if you find yourself avoiding serious discussions -- or if you hold back from expressing your true feelings, goals or opinions -- because you worry about what your partner might think or say.

You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self.

Marriage Lite does not work in the long-run. You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self to this person.

THE VISION THING

It's essential that he/she see that inner you. After all, marriage is about building a life together. Once you've communicated your feelings, hopes and dreams, you need to check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

The big and obvious questions are children (if, now or later, and how many), religious issues, and priorities such as balancing work and family. If you're looking for a wife who will stay home full-time with the kids, you'd better clear it with your partner-track lawyer girlfriend before you start shopping for diamonds. If you want a new car every two years, fancy vacations and designer clothes, be sure you're marrying someone who won't mind you doing 60- or 70-hour workweeks. If religion is important to you, don't marry someone who views spirituality as a bunch of bunk.

Check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

Disjunctions in those areas can doom a marriage before it begins.

Don't stop there, though. Your vision should include the smaller stuff, too. Within reason.

If you love entertaining, you may be frustrated with a wife who views her home as a sanctuary from other people. If you're a major saver, you may protest when your husband wants to charge the down payment on a house. If you love working out and hiking, you may have trouble adjusting to life with someone who views grocery shopping as an athletic activity.

SMALL DIFFERENCES

You both need to realize, though, that your spouse is not going to be like you in every way. No one will ever be, thank God. (And the idea of marrying your twin is anyway icky.) Being different from each other is not only normal, natural and healthy -- it's inevitable.

The question is whether the differences are things that will drive you apart, or magnetize you together.

It's also essential to recognize that the longer you've been single, the more set in your ways you become. So don't let small things come in the way of your long-term happiness. Accept that your partner will enjoy different activities, do things differently and have different opinions.

Issues pop up even with the most compatible couples. Friends of mine spent their first year of marriage in vicious battle over whether toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom. They eventually resolved this crisis, and are now quibbling over replacement of the toothpaste cap.

Still, remove as many land mines as you can beforehand. Love can conquer a lot, but it can't hold together a couple who are going in separate directions.

"Working it out" does not mean the two of you have to do it alone. If your not sure whether an issue is surmountable, consult a rabbi or trusted counselor.

THE FIRST STEP

If you have all the basics right, what you may need most is an attitude adjustment.

It was Shakespeare's comedies that conditioned us to view weddings as happy endings. But the Bard got it wrong -- your wedding should be a happy beginning.

A good foundation determines whether or not you approach the chuppah. But perhaps the most important thing to share is the understanding that the chuppah is only the start.

You lay a foundation before you begin building a house. Completing the building, in this case, will take a lifetime. If the foundation is there and you two are determined to make it work, you have a fighting chance of getting that happy ending -- long after the curtain falls.

Incidentally today's Bible verse on one of my facebook applications is;

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Christian boyfriends from now on then.

I believe it is now time for bed. Night all.

I've fallen in Love

Don't worry, not with a person, that'd be a bit quick! But with these shoes. Anyone care to buy them for me? Size 7.
I tried them on today, and I was smitten, however they only had a 6, which is too small, that and I really shouldn't be buying more shoes, I can't really afford it. think I've

But what happens when you do fall in love? How do you know? (I'm not talking about shoes this time!) In the past I think I've been in love, but looking back I'm not so sure. I certainly loved the person, but "in love" with them, I don't think so. Infatuated, deluded, obsessed, overwhelmed by the attention perhaps. But I'm not sure I've ever been in love. A scary thing considering I was going to get married not that long ago. But whenever the subject of Love is broached, Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13 always come to mind.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I think back to the relationships I had where I believed myself to possibly be in love, they doesn't come close to what love should be. People always remark how unaffected I seem to be by past break ups, but if I never was in love then I guess the guy never had my heart to break. Coming out of relationships the only thing I feel is regret for letting myself go too far, not ending it sooner, and resentment for the way I'd been treated. But asides from that, I find it fairly easy to move on. In fact I don't even think about my exes that much unless the topic arises in conversation. I even struggle to remember what they look like. The closest I've come to real love was probably with my first boyfriend, I still think fondly of him and I'll always remember him. Though I'd never want to rekindle anything. It was young love, sweet and relatively uncomplicated. It was never destined to go anywhere, but I appreciated it while it lasted.

I do hope one day I will fall in Love, and it won't be a folly of lust and infatuation clouding my judgement. But whether that will happen, only time can tell. I trust God has a man picked out for me, I really can't see myself going through life as single, I don't have the gift of celibacy, and I'm miles too broody to forgo having children. But even so, circumstances may change and I'll be happy with that kind of life. But I have a feeling I am destined for family life and motherhood. Maybe not in the immediate future, but one day.

I've even decided in what order I'd like to have kids. Not that I have any choice in the matter. But I'd like a girl, then a boy, then another boy and finally another girl. 4 in all, 2 of each. I must be mad wanting 4 children, but I don't think 2 is enough, and from my own experience in a family of 3 children, one often gets left out, so 4 seems to be the best solution. Enough that you have more than one sibling to go to, play with, annoy, learn from and hopefully as a result have a far richer childhood.
I certainly could never have just one child, only children always seem somewhat deprived of any real experience, such as the love/hate relationship between siblings. I know for certain I'd be lost without my brothers, we've had a lot of rough patches, but they mean the world to me, and no friend can ever come close to what I have with my siblings.

All this talk of children is making me broody. Ah well, yet another requirement for any future husband - prepared to have 4 children, more than most probably want. Though mind you, it's me who has to do all the childbearing! Let's just hope if things do go how I'd like, that I enjoy being pregnant!

Well I have a letter to finish writing, my last letter was 9 pages long, 6000 words, this I intend to be somewhat shorter as that was perhaps a tad bit excessive. Though the recipient was appreciative and enjoyed the letter, I doubt he'd enjoy having to read another one that length!

That and I bought 4 new books today from The Christian Book Centre, so I'd best get reading. I'm looking forward to reading them, plus the sooner I finish the sooner I can go back and buy more. Food for the soul, and I have a rather hungry soul!

The subject of boyfriends

Don't you just love that term? Boyfriend. Brilliant! A friend who is a boy, yet it means so much more. Technically I have loads of boy friends, yet no "boyfriend", even when I've had them I still didn't use the term. I guess I always think of the young couple, girlfriend and boyfriend, she's 13, he's 14, holding hands in between lessons, or under the table at lunch. The odd cheeky kiss here and there, and the look on their faces when they think of each other, all those butterflies, amazing.
If only relationships were that simple.

I don't actually know what I'm typing, or what my point is. Ah well, I guess I'm just babbling.

So why am I blogging? Well the whole issue has been on my mind recently, mainly because of other people asking when I'm going to get a boyfriend or trying to match make. Truth is I'm not after one, having just come out of nearly 3 years with a man who wasn't right for me, I'm not exactly going to jump straight into another relationship. Far too quick, I need a break, enjoy my new found freedom as a single young woman.

I know being in a relationship now would be a bad move, not that I could find anyone who'd have me! I need to get my head straight, relationships are messy things, completely fudge your thinking. I also need to practice self restraint, otherwise I will end up in trouble again. I'm a human being so I'm a sexual creature, and as a result somewhat weak to the desires of the flesh. So if I stay clear of relationships then that removes any temptation. Best option for now.
Once my faith is stronger, and I'm better and happier in myself, more in control and self disciplined, then perhaps I'll trust myself to get into relationships again.

I'm thinking 6 months, perhaps a year? Some people thinks it's too long, I'm not sure, time will tell. Also knowing my luck, 6 months time I'll be all ready for a boyfriend and no one will have me so I'll just be downhearted. I'll give it a good while then see what life throws at me, may be my intended 6 or so months, maybe 5 years, maybe never. The most important thing to me is that any relationship I have is right with God, as all mine so far haven't been and I've learnt my lessons the hard way.


So in other words "such and such a guy" may be great, but I'm not currently interested. There may be many a disappointed match maker out there, including my brothers, but so be it.

Hopefully when I'm back on the dating scene I'll appreciate it more. Not that I've ever been taken on a real date, closest I got was with just a friend who was soon moving to Essex. Hah! Maybe I'll end up with high expectations, I want to be wooed, be taken out and given flowers, chocolate and shoes (size 7 by the way, big fan of irregular choice, not that I'm dropping premature hints!). Perhaps taken out to dinner all dressed up, yet not being able to eat because your stomach is doing somersaults and you're blushing with excitement and nervousness. So much I've seemingly missed out on, good job I'm still young and there's still plenty of time.

Who knows, maybe the prediction I made at 14 will still be true, I'll be a spinster forever more, my dog as my companion and a pint of cider to keep me happy. But please note, I'm not advocating alcohol as a solution.