It's Funny How Things Come Around...

Well here I am again, sat in front of my laptop beginning another blog entry. It's been a while. I've looked back over all my old blogs and reminisced over what's happened in the past 4 years. It was this nearly time of year, 4 years ago that I went to New York, I sort of found myself whilst I was there, I came home, left my unfavourable fiancé, returned to my mother's house and returned to the church. I then spent about 6 months rebuilding a broken me and developing my faith in Jesus. The church provided a safe haven for me where I could spiritually grow.

Unfortunately I was still very conflicted inside, battling with mental health issues and trying to navigate new found friendships. At the same time I was having to deal with judgement based on my previous lifestyle, my beliefs in science, family issues, gay issues. Ultimately I felt under a huge pressure to be someone I wasn't. I felt like I was living a lie, like a hypocrite. So I left the church as my understanding of the world was too different. That also meant I abandoned my faith in Jesus, I could no longer sing praise, in fact I couldn't even listen to worship without feeling uncomfortable. I guess I wasn't ready for Christianity.

The problem was I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I changed the way I dressed, immersed myself in Christian music, attended 3 different churches on a regular basis, got involved as much as I could with youth work, worship etc. But it wasn't me. I felt so broken I didn't know who I was so I adopted this persona that I really wasn't comfortable with.

So when I started socialising again with non Christians I found I didn't have to be this perfect Christian and I slowly rediscovered who I was. I like heavy metal and dressing slightly odd, I'm not a modest dresser, I like to flaunt what I've got, I've got a good figure so why not show it off in well fitting clothes. I was having fun again and I didn't feel under pressure. So this reinforced my leaving the church.

Well anyway, here we are 4 years later and I'm going to return to church. This time I think I'm ready. I'm not lost and broken and essentially on the rebound as it were. I'm happy, I know who I am, I'm in a good place in life, but there's something missing.

Several times over the past 4 years I've experienced callings back to church, yet never acted on them, it's always been too scary to face. This time I'm taking the challenge. I don't know exactly what prompted me to seek out a church. Perhaps it was attending my Mum's church on mother's day, it brought back memories of those 6 months where I was heavily involved and I missed it. I missed feeling close to God. I felt tears rolling down my face during the worship, I didn't sing as I felt I couldn't as a non believer, but somehow it got to me.

The following weekend I went down to London riding pillion on Sephi's bike. It was a boring ride consisting of mostly motorway lasting several hours. So what did I do? I thought, I pondered and I talked to God. It's been a long time since we've spoken, and I didn't really get any answers. But I carried on talking to him and I decided to investigate some local churches, asking them on their views on homosexuality.

I found an article by the Guardian about one local church who was affiliated with a church in New York who believed that homosexuality was a disease to be cured, which I found very offensive. That particular local church never got back to me on it's views on homosexuality, so I knocked it off my list of churches to try. The other two churches I emailed however both got back to me very quickly with an offer of coffee.

So I went and had coffee with the elders from both churches and I got the answers I was looking for, thanks God. Both seem to be very welcoming and non judgemental churches, they obviously weren't pro homosexuality, but differentiated between orientation and action and viewed the action as equal with any other sin which I'm happy with.

So I'm going to go to one church this Sunday and the other the following Sunday and see what I think. Then I might try Alpha and see if I can join a house group. These are the two churches:

Jubilee Church Liverpool and Christ Church Liverpool.

In the meantime I've still been talking to God, reading the Bible, praying and rediscovering my relationship with Jesus. It turns out I still do have the capacity to believe in Him. However Ill keep my stance that religion is like penguins talking about nuclear physics. It's all beyond our comprehension. But faith is different, it's separate from religion. I have faith and I believe in Jesus. However I will be taking the Bible with a pinch of Salt. God's word? I believe it's man's interpretation of God's word so it is fallible. There seems to me to be a lot of personal opinion in the Bible ie Paul, it's useful to study I don't think it should be taken the absolute word of God, more inspired by the word of God.

Plus I do have an issue with homosexuality. If God made man with no mistakes why would he create an orientation where someone can enjoy the gift of sex? Especially when the male body was created with a prostate that when stimulated via the anus produces orgasm. Looking around at the animal kingdom there is evidence of homosexuality, so why would it not be natural in humans too? I guess this is something I have to disagree with the Bible. I've asked God on the matter, we'll see what he has to say.

As for my current situation and how that fits in with God, I'm not sure. I am currently living with my boyfriend Sephi and in a sexual relationship. Some say this is incompatible with a relationship with Jesus. Perhaps I should leave him and find a nice Christian boyfriend? NO! I couldn't imagine that, I'm in love, I'm not leaving. Plus the damage that would cause is huge. Jesus is not in the business of breaking up families. We may not be married yet, but we are family. Should I put a stop to the sex? Perhaps, but I think that would cause too much friction and hurt, not to mention I'll drive myself batty. I know from experience that a sexually frustrated Belle is not a nice Belle. So what do I do? Get married? Well this is what we're working towards, a proposal is hopefully on the cards. However we can't get married yet as I'll lose my NHS Bursary, so we have to wait until I'm qualified. So until then we'll carry on as we are as I've yet to come under any strong conviction to do otherwise. I need to take my walk with Jesus one step at a time and hopefully by the time Jesus asks this issue to be tackled there will be wedding bells anyway.

So I'm going to come just as I am to Jesus, I'm not going to try and change anything and be something I'm not. If God has a plan for me then I'll embrace it, but I won't try and pre empt it this time.

Guess Who Can't Sleep?

I'm afraid to say though, there are no prizes for correct guesses.

I do seem to have a slight fear of sleep. Not all that helpful when you're exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. However sleep isn't always the most restful experience for me. There are various reasons behind it, the main one being an uncomfortable bed, but the other are actually far more significant when it comes to a fear of sleep. I repeatedly ask "Why can't I sleep?" "Why am I so tired?" but the irony is I know exactly why.

Anyhoo, why am I yet again on the lovely blogger, making yet another post? I guess to get out a few ponderings I've had of late. I was in Borders the other day, resisting a lovely hard back copy of The Screwtape Letters, I think I already have it somewhere, I can't afford to go buying duplicates. When I decided to look through all the books they had on Faith, Spirituality and Theology in relation to Christianity (as opposed to any of the other religions). Well there seemed to be an awful lot of books by atheists, anti theists and agnostics. The whole notion amused me. Agnostic writings I can understand, after all God is unfathomable. But the books by atheists and anti theists, it seems crazy that they are so perturbed by the idea of a divine being they feel compelled to write a book about it. If God doesn't exist then surely the debate of His existence shouldn't concern a non believer. However these non believers have such a passion about the lack of God's actuality, it almost makes you think they're angry at God for not existing and so will do everything in their power to deny His being. I may of course be wrong, but why the venom against something which apparently doesn't exist?

(Just to clarify, it's the books by atheists and anti theists who take it upon themselves to slander anyone with a faith, belittle them and criticise I was referring to, not just commentary, deliberation and declaration of non-belief. I have no problem with that, everyone has different beliefs as we're all very different as people. The authors I disagree with, as Andy hinted at, are those with a holier than thou attitude of the other extreme. I just don't see any need to belie people in such a way, it's totally unnecessary. Faith isn't a crutch for the weak, and those who have faith shouldn't be mocked and thought less of for it. I guess those with over inflated egos it would seem have trouble with any notion of a superior entity.)

Now this is a different to debate to that of those who are anti religion. That is perfectly apprehensible, after all given the atrocities carried out in "God's name" it's no wonder there are so many people eager to denounce religion and blame it for a lot of the wrong in this world. I personally am not a fan of religion, I can see it's strong points, however given the nature of man religion has over time deviated from faith and spirituality and transformed into politics, laws and judgement, and an excuse. You only need to look at the world around you to see that. And quite often the church doesn't do itself any favours in that respect given the hypocrisy within, the divisions between the denominations and the shift in focus from God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to abiding by a set of rules.

Another thing I don't quite grasp is why all the negativity towards anyone claiming a personal relationship with Jesus. Fair enough if they're the sort to preach, condemn and generally shove the gospel down people's throats without second thought. But I don't see what people have against the average Christian, after all we're not causing any harm, we're only here to love, and if you don't like what I believe then you don't have to read/listen. It's your choice at the end of the day. Such as this blog; I don't tell people to go and read it, I may mention it if someone is interested, but I generally leave it for people to find on their own, there are links readily available but it's your choice to click on them. Just as people, talk about cars, celebrity, football, their daily lives, shoes, I talk about God, He's a big part of my life, I should make no apology for including him in my musings. In fact He's my whole life really come to think of it, without Him, I'd be nothing. Not only do I believe that, I know it.

But so many times I get the "You're not one of those born again types are you?". It does quite upset me actually as I am born again in Christ's grace, mercy and love. But I don't fit the description of the "born again type" they refer to. Those with the holier than thou attitude. Hey sometimes I can get like that, I'll be the first to admit it. But I do my best not to judge, after all I'm not perfect, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7, I'm most definitely not sinless! I've put as much as I possibly can behind me, but I'm only human and to fail, but with God's help I do my very best. It's just a shame I'll come under persecution from others for my faith. It's not hurting them, it doesn't even concern them if they don't want it to. I'm not the sort to try and convert everyone I meet, one I don't have the confidence or self esteem, and two that's not the way to go about it. I talk about my relationship with God when people ask, and on here of course, otherwise my form of witness is through my everyday life. Non invasive I like to think. Forcing your own beliefs on other people will only yield negative reaction.

I really should get some sleep. It's half 3, I have work tomorrow, or rather later on today as it now stands.

Well it's been an awkward week, but various issues have been resolved. So things should improve, mind you life is pretty sweet regardless. We don't know how good we've got it at times. I may be feeling lonely as a singleton, but I'm looking for the positives and praying to God that His perfect man for me isn't that far away and when I'm ready for a relationship again there'll be someone good lined up for me. That's if He intends for me to be married.
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Right, off to bed. Seriously now Iz, you need some rest, your eyes will cease to focus soon!

My Rescuer

I've been told by quite a few people I have a gift for writing, but tonight, or rather this morning, I won't be using my literary skills, instead I'll leave you with some inspiration. The sort of stuff that makes me cry, but in a good way.
This was taken from Bible Basics; a wonderful blog full of encouragement.

Why God is My Hero






A fitting song of Praise, one of my favourites;

Came to My Rescue - Hillsong

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humble I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are

My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are


In my life
Be lifted high
In our world
Be lifted high
In our love
Be lifted high


I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are

I have a busy weekend ahead. Large bowling party at work tomorrow. Then in the evening it's the Hope 08 concert. Sunday morning I have to be up early for the youth wroship group rehearsal, we're leading worship during the morning service. I'm absolutely terrified. Then throughout the day is the rehearsal and setting up for Blest. The evening service at 7 and then then the Blest service after that, who knows what else!

My plan is when I get some free time to learn the 6 songs planned for Sunday morning so that I can close my eyes and pretend I'm not stood at the front of church when I'm singing. Just me and God, and hopefully things should work out. I'm so nervous and my throat completely closes up so I can't sing very well or even remember what I'm supposed to be singing. Worship is such a big thing for me, but I don't think I'm ready, I'm not spiritually strong enough to be part of a worship group leading a large congregation. But if God intends me to go this route I'll somehow overcome my fear and do it. At least I'm not leading worship and there are plenty of other vocalists to drown me out. Normally I wouldn't happy with the arrangement of the band, but for a first time hopefully it'll give me a bit of confidence.

God, I'm going to need all the help you can give me on Sunday. Let me glorify your name without conscience or hindrance, and be a shining light for your love, encouraging others in their praise. Keep all the band focused and free from nerves and inhibition, so they can be a strong lead in praising your name. Just remind us all that worship is all about you, not a performance, and we should sing, play and dance with our hearts set on fire with a passion for your name, your glorious works and unfailing love. Amen.

I need to get some sleep now. Good Night

The Gift of Worship

Worship, worshipping God, through song, dance and music. One of my favourite ways to communicate with God. It's very rare to find me driving without some sort of worship CD on singing along, or even just singing on my own, driving, walking through town, doing the housework (okay more worship than housework). So being asked to sing with members of the church is fantastic. I was extremely apprehensive, but I went along on Wednesday afternoon to sing with Mark and Tracey, intimate and informal. Yes I was terrified, singing in public isn't my forte, I feel very exposed and vulnerable to criticism. But I reminded myself, this wasn't about my singing ability, it was glorifying God with my voice. Whether it be tuneful, well projected and in key is irrelevant, any voice in worship is still a beautiful sound to God.

However the rumours would seem to have some truth, and my vocal tutor isn't praising my talents for cash flow purposes (at least I hope not). I can apparently sing, and when I want to, and when I let myself, I do have a pretty powerful voice. So consequently I've been asked to join the youth worship band (I can get away with it at 20). But not only to sing with them but to lead them it would seem. Something along the lines of "They need a strong singer to lead the vocals". Truth be told I've never really heard them, and I guess I always assumed any acoustic problems were to do with the lack of sound checking and decent microphone technique as that's the problem the main worship group have, not poor vocals. Also I never thought I'd be asked to participate for my lack of talent and the fact I'm too old for the youth worship (they're all 14 to 17). But neither seem to be an issue. So hopefully I can use this apparent gift I have and put it to good work. I just have rather a lot of self esteem and confidence hurdles to get over. But with God's help I will be able to. If it weren't for the fact I sing in worship I don't think I could ever sing in public, especially not a solo. But Wednesday proved that I can hold a tune by myself whilst singing into a microphone, my voice magnified to fill the whole sanctuary. Scary stuff.

Anyway enough about me. The reason I'm blogging about worship is because I feel there are a lot of problems with worship in the church. I'm talking about church as a whole, not a particular congregation, community or building or denomination. I find there are 4 types of worship;
-Performed worship
-Contrived worship
-Assisted worship
-Leaded worship


Performed worship
I find this a lot at youth events. It's a band on centre stage, all exceptionally talented, and one or a couple of fantastic vocalists. They play more like they're performing to an audience; the congregation. And like with any rock concert or pop gig they're encouraged to join in, but the focus is on the band and singers. Often there are lots of special stage effects, lighting, smoke machines, multiple instruments which the musicians rotate through, particularly electric guitars. There are long complex instrumental parts, not for personal reflection as such but more a showcase of musical ability, cue a drum or guitar solo. And the singer or singers will add in a multitude of harmonies.
Don't misunderstand me, there's nothing wrong with all this, it's brilliant people can use their gifts in such a way to glorify God. But as for leading worship, I find this method somewhat alienating. How can the congregation lift their voices to the Lord if they're not quite sure of the song as it's hard to distinguish the melody from the harmonies, or even hear their own voices for the intense volume of the music. The order of the verses and choruses has been changed yet no one is giving any sort of cue as to what line comes next, we're not all musical virtuosos or mind readers so we need the worship leaders to give appropriate cues.

Contrived Worship
For some reason Americans spring to mind with this one. Very enthusiastic worship, where everyone is expected to join in. They are almost told when to clap, how to clap, raise their arms in praise, jump up and down etc. It's all very formulated and synchronised. It's great to see a whole congregation clapping in time and raising their arms. But it's not everyone's cup of tea, so seeing everyone in uniform praise is very unnatural as we are all individuals and have very different ways of communicating and worshipping God. Some people really aren't comfortable with it, and yes it's good to encourage active worship, using your whole self and not just your vocal chords and urge people out of their comfort zones, but making them feel obliged or even forced to do it is another thing entirely.
The same happens with prayer. Praying out loud is a very powerful form of worship and witness, and it's encouraging to see and hear others in prayer. But it takes a lot of confidence, and for some it's not how they talk to God as prayer is such a personal thing. So when you're put into small groups and everyone has to contribute to prayer time it becomes very stressful for those uncomfortable with the notion, and prayer should never be stressful, it should be a time of calm and peace. I struggle with praying out loud, it really makes me nervous especially as when it comes to your turn you feel foolish in front of your peers as you mumble something that means nothing to you or face the consequential questioning looks after prayer time if you didn't contribute. Why didn't you pray? Do you not care about ?
We shouldn't be told how to worship, how to pray, how to communicate with God. We shouldn't be made to conform to an idea of how praise should be.

Assisted worship
This is what I like to call meek and mild worship. Basically the band is made up of anyone who can play an instrument, they don't have regular rehearsals or private worship as a group so everything is somewhat unorganised. They turn up on the day and play the music. The singers are all backing singers and have no desire to take a lead, but stand holding their microphones near their chests, meekly singing along. They seem to provide the music for the congregation to sing along to, but the congregation have to do most of the work when it comes to producing any kind of volume and flesh. So if you have a song the congregation aren't familiar with everything falls apart as they have no strong lead to indicate how the music goes, no one to listen to to help pitch the right notes and know when the verse comes in.
Also given the fact everything is usually rather quiet, you don't get enthusiastic involvement from the congregation as they feel too exposed to sing full pelt. The heart is in the right place, but there's no passion.

Leaded worship
This is how worship should be. Not a band taking centre stage and performing, or a group of people just providing helpful music in the corner of the room, but a well put together group of musicians with the confidence to lead the whole of the church in worship, but still keep the focus on God above and not the amazing vocal talents of the singers. Not instructing them in how to worship, but still showing how the song goes, the rises and falls in the pitch of the music and when the verses begin and when the choruses start and end. The worship team are there to encourage and inspire worship. To show the way to communicate with God, offer Him glory and welcome people into His presence. It should be honest, heartfelt and humble.

So in remembering this, if I do ever go on to lead any kind of worship, I need to keep in mind it's not about my ability to sing or play an instrument, but my passion to praise God and in doing so encourage others to worship. And the same applies to anyone else, it's not how technically able they are, or how well they can manipulate their vocal chords, but their ability to inspire others to engage in worship. So less critical thoughts when the drummer fails to keep time or the singers are flat.

Hopefully I'll be able to use my voice one day to lead worship, I'd always pictured myself when I was younger as being able to sing beautifully and with great gusto and volume. Especially placed within the church helping to alight people's passion for Jesus. My mother was and still is a wonderful singer and I aspired to be like her. She'd sing so passionately even when others around her were somewhat reserved. As a result gradually those close to her would also raise their voices as that apprehension about being heard was lessened and they had someone to listen to and learn from as to how the song was supposed to sound. I thought my dreams would never amount to anything for my lack of singing ability. But perhaps there is still hope.



Sing like there's no one listening, dance like no one's watching, Praise the Lord with all your heart, strength and soul.
Every time I enter into worship I try to think like that, just me and God, no one else. We have no reason to sing, make music or to dance, we can survive without music and dance, our existence has no reliance upon them. They are glorious gifts from God and so we should use them to honour his name.



Finally some scriptural reference to the importance of worship in giving thanks to God, witnessing to others and strengthening our relationship with the Father.

John 4:23-24
But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

1 Chronicles 16:9
Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

1 Chronicles 16:23
Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.

2 Chronicles 5:13
The trumpeters and singers joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang: "He is good; his love endures forever." Then the temple of the LORD was filled with a cloud,

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 150
Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with harp and lyre. Praise Him with timbrel and dancing; Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe. Praise Him with loud cymbals; Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD!

Ponderings

I was going to make a post about how hard my dog's life is (a joke of course, he has a fabulous life, lazy thing). But I've realised there is so much more I need to do with my life, I can't spend my days drawing pretty pictures and pottering about safe little Lancashire. All my plans, my 3 aims in life: Happiness, Marriage, Children, all irrelevant. There is so much I can do with my life and want to do with it, in fact need to do with it.

I'm in an extremely fortunate and privileged position. I may not live in a mansion with no worries or problems, but I have a loving family, supportive community, a nice warm house with plenty of luxuries that we all take for granted, and of course I'm educated. I don't even have a real bed at the moment, yet I realise how extremely lucky I am when other people with even more fortunate lives spend their days complaining and moaning about this wonderful country we live in and how their life is so miserable and tough or stressful. Yes it may well be stressful, but there are so many people in the world who are worse off yet appreciate what little they have so much more.

I'm sick and tired of people whining about the NHS, saying they're useless and rubbish. Yes it could be improved, but at least we live in a welfare state and have free health care. You go to America, if you don't have health insurance and you have an injury or become ill and can't afford the bills, you're really screwed. Doesn't happen in England, pretty much anyone can get treatment. A 6 month waiting list is far better than no treatment at all. And of course in so many parts of the world, there is no option of treatment at all, there is no health insurance, you can't pay the hospital bills, in fact you can't even get to the hospital, you just have to put up with any injuries and illnesses and pray you survive.

I got so angry with a certain person in my life who insisted we were living just above the poverty line. I've never been anything close to impoverished and probably never will be. I've never seen absolute poverty with my own eyes, but the poverty I have seen in person in places like Kenya and Peru is still shocking. 4 families sharing a room about 10ft x 14ft, one fetid mattress, a table and a few broken chairs and a bunch of chickens running about. The children's entertainment involved picking the paint off the walls and using the flakes as betting tokens for hand games similar to rock paper scissor. I challenge the people who say England is "going to the dogs" to find someone living like that here.
I could go on forever about the things we all take for granted, myself included, but it won't achieve anything.


Now the big question is what do I do? Ever since I was little I've wanted to go on mission, whether it be abroad but somewhere relatively safe, say working from a Christian compound, in the middle of a war zone or somewhere where the church is persecuted, or even in the grotty estates of Manchester. Who knows what I'll do, all I know is there are so many people suffering out there and with God's help I can make a difference, only a very small difference admittedly, but at least it's something. I know I need to do something, life is short and I have to make the most of it.

I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of soul searching to do and getting right with God, getting to know Jesus again. It won't be easy, but I'm very much looking forward to it. I've been in a very dark place the past few years without Jesus by my side, but things are looking up again since I've put God back into the driving seat.

Back from the dark side!

Well, big upheaval and lots of change going on in my life. So why not start using this thing properly. Part of a fresh start I guess.

I've recently left the man I intended to marry, moved out of our apartment and back in with my mother. I've put God back into the driving seat and plan to enjoy life.
Let me explain more, as so many people are asking, and I've heard various things that aren't strictly true as people relay bits to others. So I'll need to put them straight, and this way my larynx will be somewhat relieved.

So, as the removal guy said "What went wrong?" Everything. My ex-fiance was a great guy, still is, however it was never destined to work I've realised. I was positive he was negative, it may work for magnets and batteries, but not people. It worked for a while, otherwise we wouldn't have got engaged, but there wasn't a future really, not a happy one anyway.
I know brides-to-be get cold feet, but my feet were so cold they'd gotten frost bite and fallen off. We had such different attitudes and personalities, we couldn't make each other happy given how much we clashed. I wanted to raise my kids in the church, and give them a happy silly childhood full of laughter, singing and ridiculous games. He wanted to be a strict disciplinarian and have his children call him "Sir", plus he didn't want to "brainwash them with religion". He definately wasn't the type to take his kids to the park to play rugby and frisby, and that's the sort of father I want for my children.
Also the language he used and names he called me I found particularly insulting and offensive. I know in many families such language and name calling is commonplace and perfectly acceptable, but I wasn't raised in that sort of environment. I was brought up believing those sort of words were vulgar and not be used and certainly not to be used to call someone by as they're derogatory in nature.
So it could never really work long term, better to end it now than continue trying to make it work and then filing for divorce later on. I'm sure he'll find someone else more suited to him and I wish him all the best in life as he's not a bad bloke.


As for God, well I used to have a very strong faith, and I've never lost it as many people seem to think. However my relationship with God had waned somewhat in recent years due to varying circumstances, poor choices, unhealthy relationships etc. I guess during those times I thought God had abandoned me. Well he does have 6 billion odd people in the world to deal with, and I didn't think my life was anything to worry about really.

But whilst in New York, away from my everyday life I had time to think and do some soul searching. A few casual remarks about our unusual good luck weatherwise and event wise in manhattan being down to God's angels made me think. Of course, God never abandoned me, rather I'd abandoned Him. It was never a conscious decision, but over the years I'd kicked Him out of the driving seat and into the passenger seat, then eventually somehow He ended up sat on the back seat and if I carried on the way I was going He'd end up in the boot!

So He was still always there, but I was leaving Him behind, no longer a companion, but a tag along you weren't too fussed about. Or movie wise, one of the characters you didn't know would make it to the end of the film as they weren't too significant, perhaps they'd be a victim of some monster or other. But what monster? I guess my sinful life and selfish desires. I was so hell-bent on settling down and having children, I pushed everything else off the agenda.

But it's time for change, time for redemption.
I'm going to try and rid my life of sin, I know it's an impossible task as humans are sinful creatures by nature, but we do have a choice over what we do. Speaking of which, I should really put that biscuit back in the pantry, or at least ask mum if I can have it first before eating it.
Though already my efforts seem to be paying off, I feel much happier now I'm back at home, no longer living in sin at that apartment. Fornication isn't all that great, it makes things very complicated. Get married first kids.

So, I think I'd better end this now, leave my musings for another time.
Just remember, God is always there, he never leaves you.